How to Connect with Half Siblings

I am still having a hard time with this part of the reunion (see post above). My bdad's wife and one of his sons HATE me - have never even met me, but refuse to even think of having me in their lives. I do not get it. Actually, I'm fine if they don't want to be a part of my life, but I regret that they are making it so hard, if not impossible, for my bdad to communicate with me. It's almost laughable how angry they are at me for "messing up their lives" (huh?). The both monitor my bdad's every move and if he reaches out to me they "attack". It is beyond bizarre. I want my bdad in my life so much - after so, so many years of thinking he never wanted anything to do with me and then finding out that he really has thought about me and wants to know me - and then his own family causing so much grief. ARGH!!! It's just too much sometimes. I am continuing to "be the better person" and keeping my chin up, but this rollercoaster is draining me emotionally. Not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for, but I just needed to release these feelings of anger, sadness, not understanding...the list goes on and on... Thank you for listening.

I was 16 when my mom reunited with her older daughter (who I didn't know existed). We were welcoming to our "new" sister but it WAS hard. Some of my secret fears were about protecting my dad (not her father) and my parents already shaky marriage. I was very, very worried about that. Also, I was worried about being forgotten, or losing my connection to my mom because suddenly the LONG LOST daughter had returned. I would keep encouraging your bio father to get his family into counselling FIRST. Address their concerns, and needs, and then go from there. For your part, all you can do is support their relationship. I know it seems self defeating, but the sooner they are secure that your presence isn't going to ruin their relationship with your father, the easier it will be on you.

Jenboys, Thank you for your post. I sometimes need a sanity check to make sure I'm not going crazy; you provided that today :). I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. The thing that I have the most trouble with is that his one son is a grown adult (in his 30's with his own life). I don't understand how me connecting with his dad creates such heartache in his life, but, when I read your words, I understand it a little more. I think, if I'm reading between the lines from what my bdad has told me, that maybe he didn't have the greatest relationship with his boys' when they were growing up and now I am coming in to the picture and he can't stop talking about his long-lost daughter (eeks :eek:). Oh boy. I think my half-brother truly believes that I am breaking up his family (I think there are some (a lot?) of underlying issues that I'm not aware of). That, of course, is something I would NEVER want or wish on their family! I continue to try and steer my bdad to therapy (I know he's gone a couple of times...not sure how many times) and I know that his wife, and, I believe, his son are in therapy too - all good things. Now, if they could all talk to EACH OTHER about this instead of just being mad (easier said than done - it's been hard for me to talk about it with my family too - whew...what a rollercoaster!). Patience isn't my thing, but I've learned that if I want to make this work that slow and study "wins" the race (or at least doesn't ruffle so many feathers). Thank you again.

You're welcome :) I really do hope things work out, and I don't "excuse" my feelings or thoughts as being rational however, at the time they were very real.

If you will forgive the late reply, I was surfing by and read your post. A couple things came to mind. You say on several occasions that your half-brother feels (or by now, hopefully, felt) that you are ruining / messing up / breaking up his family. And you are correct in that there may be a lot of underlying issues in play here. I would go so far as to say that I expect there would be. Something to keep in mind is that just the step of an adoptee making contact with birth family will create change, and potentially a lot of it! So while you have no intent to wreck anything for anyone, you did change his little world and people deal with change differently. Some accept it more easily while others dig in their heels and have to be dragged into it kicking and screaming. I think all that you have direct control over are your actions and communications. By trying to include your half-brother in as much as possible (and so not "push him aside") maybe that will help to show that you aren't something to be feared. The therapy situation also should continue, but that's something you can't force. I know in my situation, when I made contact with my b-mom I found out later that many people were supportive of my b-mom, but also concerned. In this day and age they were worried that I was a scam artist who was out for who knows what. They told her to go slowly and very cautiously, but thankfully didn't advise her to not reply or participate. I can't speak to what your half-brother's real concern may be but hopefully it's less pronounced now? Keep us updated as you need to! Best, PADJ

PADJ, Thank you for your reply. It always surprises me when I look through the site and see that someone responded to an old post of mine - it's kind of like a little present every time I open the thread as most of the time I can't remember what the heck I wrote :). I appreciate your thoughtful reply. I guess I naively thought that since they (my bdad's family) kept telling me that they always knew about me, always wanted a sister, etc. that I was just going to magically be a part of the family. I totally get now that the "fairy tale" isn't going to be a "happily ever after" story. Live and learn...and grow...is what I say... I've done so much thinking about this whole subject and can't believe it's been almost a year since I sent that first email to my bdad's wife and my life changed. It's been a wild ride!! Unfortunately, my bdad has cut contact with me (it's been about 2 months now) and my heart is broken, but I also know that it is best for him right now. It's so sad. I want so much to be a part of their lives; I hope that someday they can want that too. They really will find out that I'm a nice person and want nothing except to know them...sigh. I continue onward hoping for the best. Without this forum I don't think - actually I know - I wouldn't be doing as well as I am. There have been some very dark, dark days for me, but I can now see the light... Peace to you.

I just saw this thread. We all did the same thing. We were so excited to have this missing person and delivered the same message to my husbands daughter as your family did to you. I know all but my husband thought his daughter was coming on too strong. What a contradiction. That part was probably related to feeling left out. So few go into this knowing you need to prepare for it. We want to put normal life rules to a situation that isn't normal life. I've been sharing what I've learned here with my husband and some of it with the rest of the kids. Some of the extended family, too. We threw his daughter into this huge family and left her to sink or swim. My husband told her how excited his mom and his brothers and sisters were, which was true but it was a set up for problems. Relationships take time and we all assumed that she could just be plugged in like she was never gone.

I know I came on strong like a bull in a china shop. It was like all of the stress needed to be resolved immediately. To make matters worse when I found them I was coming out of a situational depression, out of work at 40 lacking confidence and having financial troubles. My one brother stepped in like a champion but I believe that he felt obligated in some way. I tried to thank him, repay the money he helped me with etc but he wouldn't accept it. I tried later to offer to pay him back. He bought groceries etc. and really alleviated a lot of turmoil at the time. I was so blown away by that. I didn't ask and that's what really made me realize how a family can reach out just because they know you are going through a rough time. I hung on to him like he was life raft. I regret that now. Not financially like he was a life raft just emotionally and I think that I scared the living daylights out of myself and him. I was so new to the experience. But I will never forget his kindness and if I have a chance to help him someday I certainly will.