Contact with birth mother

Although I haven't been quite where you are I wouldn't let that hinder your communication with her. She is your bmom - I'm sure she still wants to hear from you - so just explain your reasons for the delay and move on from there. If Social services are helping her they will have explained there is very often "pull-back" from different parties and that this is not unusual. Don't let it go on because I don't think the need to get to know will go away and then the regrets will start to eat you up. Good luck.

Agree you should just go for it. You might start out, "I am so embarrassed that it has taken me so long to get back to you. Honestly, now I've spent 2 months just focused on that... but I truly do want to continue our contact. The of burdens that kept me from replying sooner (are x & y). Now however, I'm pregnant, and that has me thinking of you all the time.How are you right now? What is new in your life? Do you remember things from when you were pregnant with me? Could you share those with me? I'm wondering about them so much now...."...I always find if someone suggests words that I don't like, it inspires me to write what I would say that's better! So that's why I took that approach. Hope it helps.

I have been in reunion with my son for almost 22 years now, ever since he turned 18. We've gone through several prolonged periods of time (about 6 months each time) where pullback has occurred. Believe me when I tell you that honesty is always the best policy, even though it can be kind of scary to talk about the feelings surrounding the reasons you stopped contact with her.I think both adoptees and birth mothers tend to blame themselves when the other person pulls back...I know I tend to automatically assume it's something I've done wrong when it comes to miscommunication between my son and myself. (It has been my fault a time or two, but he also shares some responsibility for the other times.)We recently went through a very scary period for me. My son seemed angry and noncommunicative. I think he got to the point where he didn't know what to do with regard to getting our relationship back on track. In past episodes of pullback on his part, he would just reappear with no explanations or acknowledgement of ever being gone. This last time, though, he dealt with the whole thing in such a mature manner. He brought the subject up on the telephone right off the bat...and then he apologized. We both agreed to wipe the slate clean...because that's what family does, we forgive the ones we love.I know it's scary for you right now. It's scary whenever any of us put our hearts on the line, and that's what you're doing...you're risking your own comfort zone. My advice is to honor your birth mother's wishes and contact her directly instead of using the agency as third-party intermediary. If she needs the agency's support services, she's old enough and quite capable enough of asking for their help. I think intermediaries are useful for a specific, limited amount of time...but if you want to build a meaningful relationship with your birth mother, I think you need to start dealing with her directly.Just write her a heartfelt letter, telling her what you've told us on this thread. My hunch is that she'll appreciate your honesty more than you'll ever know. I know that if I were in her place, I would value your honesty. You're on the right track... :loveyou:

Just write and don't worry about the last year. You had a lot going on and that is understandable. I had a very long period of time when I got a letter from my son sent through the agency when he was 16. I should have replied IMMEDIATELY to that letter, but was so caught up in grad school applications, a very difficult break-up, and several other losses, that I simply couldn't respond at the time. Also, my agency typically processed updates only once a year, so I wasn't even thinking that I COULD respond right away. I felt terrible about this, and still do, but I did finally (over a year later) respond. I don't even think I went into long explanations to my son over why it took so long to write (much of what was going on in my life at that time would not have been appropriate to bring up with him anyway). I simply said something like "please forgive me for taking so long to write to you. I had been meaning to write sooner, but had been going through a lot" and briefly explained having grad school applications and some difficult things in my personal life without burdening him with the details. It's not always pullback, per se, but sometimes just life that gets in the way of writing, and of course, these letters are not easy to write in the first place. So my advice to you is just write, tell her you have been meaning and wanting to write, and feel badly about not doing it sooner, but you've been taking care of sick parents and are an expectant mother yourself now. I am quite sure she will understand. I also think direct communication would be good, assuming your birth mom does not need or is not interested in continued support from social services. I am wondering if on some level, your birth mother's request for direct contact scared you a bit. If YOU would prefer to continue through social services, that is fine, but I believe you should express that to her if that is the case, and own it, rather than tell your birth mother what you think is best for her based on what social services claims. My son and I went through the agency as intermediary at first, because this is the arrangement I had all his life when I communicated with his parents. It WAS hard for me at first to let that go and move to direct communication, and I think I may have put my son off at first when I wasn't ready to go direct. Once we did move to that, however, things became a lot better, and I wish I had just gone to direct communication right away. In some ways, having a GOOD agency intermediary for support can be helpful, but often you can end up being too dependent upon them and the relationship is kind of limited because of this "in between" person in the picture. Good luck and keep us posted. Stay strong and just GO FOR IT!!! And congrats on your pregnancy!!