Frustrated with Son, do I express this?

Hi Trixie-- My lost son is in his early 20s, and we've been in reunion for 18 months. I would not express those feelings to my son. The sad fact is the fairy tale is just that: a fairy tale. Yes, we believed it. Yes, we thought we were doing the right thing. But none of that is going to help your son come to terms with his anger. It's also possible that he doesn't communicate well with the written word. Perhaps you're misinterpreting? I might would ask my son if he were angry about the situation, but only in person and only after establishing a good foundation for our relationship. Not in a scolding way, but as one adult to another. It's really hard to maintain that kind of perspective, believe me I understand, but if you decide to talk with him about it that's the only way to approach it. Since you guys haven't had the first face to face, I think I'd hold off on asking or mentioning it to him. He's in a strange place himself, trying to navigate this maze called reunion, and he needs room to let his emotions be what they are. (((((Trixie))))) When I recognized the fairy tale for what it is I was crushed. It's so hard to accept and learn to live with, but that isn't your son's burden to bear. Each of us firstmoms have to learn to bear that burden alone.

20-somethings can still be very angsty in a teenage way, depending on their maturity level and other things. And young people typically use FB and other sites to "vent" more. I would try not to read too much into it. My son and I are in reunion and have met and do talk frequently. At our first face-to-face, he was exhibiting this sort of sarcasm and at times making comments that really put me off. I bit my tongue for the most part, but a few times, I gave it right back to him, but didn't get into a big issue over it, because I figured a lot of it was due to nerves and the intensity of that first meeting. Subsequent phone conversations have been much better. Are your son's comments directed at YOU in particular, or just in general? I think if they are directed at you, I would find a way to let him know it's not OK, but I agree with Hummer in that I would wait for the right time, but not too long where you set a precedent for tolerating such behavior. It's sort of a delicate balancing act. If these are just general comments and attitudes, I would let it go and chalk it up more to his age. He's still finding himself. It's easy to pin everything on "adoption issues" but there is no way to know for sure if he'd be struggling/angry no matter what the circumstances. Things today are very different for young people, the economy is bad, opportunities are not as plentiful or easy to come by, and there are a ton of stressors out there that we never had to deal with. All of this needs to be taken into consideration, plus the fact that he is a young father. I think it's easy to take things our placed kids say and really personalize it. Recently my son said to me he got NOTHING out of going to college, and that everything he knows and all his awareness of things in the world comes from HIM (rather lofty statement, no? And I'm sure his parents would be thrilled to know that after shelling out for his education!!). My immediate reaction was to think "What tha!!!??? Maybe I should have kept him and not worried how I would get him through High School, much less college!" Then I realized he was just sort of talking out of his butt. As someone who did not have the luxury of going to school until I was 28 and had to pay for it out of my own pocket, I can assure you, I value it. Hearing my son devalue his education really got to me, but I'm still glad he had that opportunity, despite what he thinks. Of course, I wish it didn't have to come at such a cost/loss to me, but it is what it is. You are new to reunion, and a lot of emotions and feelings will come up. Take time to process them before you take action on them. Sometimes you find you really don't need to do anything, and other times, it will become clearer what you should do. Another thing to consider is that when we are estranged from our children, we tend to build up fantasies of who they are and what they are like (and vice versa) and these fantasies often revolve around seeing our kids as "perfect" or of having perfect lives. The truth is, nobody is perfect, and often the reality and the fantasy don't match up, which can lead to feelings of disappointment, which is really not fair. I love my son as strongly as any other mother, but he can frustrate the heck out of me at times and I'm sure I can frustrate the heck out of him. There have been times in our reunion where I've said to myself "did I really give birth to this child??!!??" LOL!! If I really think about it, though, he's a lot like me, and some of the traits he has that put me off are also traits that I can exhibit at tiems (I can be pretty sarcastic, too, and can be a smart a___). He also has many, many wonderful traits. I think what I am learning is that I love him no matter what. He is my only child, so I don't have others to compare the parent/child relationship to.

Thank you SO much! you really helped me put things into perspective. I'm in a place in my life, going through a divorce (and never having other kids,) that I'm realizing all losses much harder right now. I've learned to ignore my first instinct to cut and run when I get hurt with my son, as I'm usually wrong about what I heard or read (as far as how it was intended.) The internet is terrible that way! Yes, I can so relate to the fairy tale idea. One thing they did not tell me, as they were all telling me that by giving my son up, he would be able to go to college, etc., is that I had 18 years to get ourselves into a place where he could go to college, etc. They don't tell you that you won't always be young and broke... and that the nice adoptive parents usually have several years on you financially and career-wise, but you would get there eventually. So yeah.. the fairy tale: not a fan. ;)Thanks again...

Hi,Thanks so much! You've been so helpful to me this on this! No, the comments are never directed to me. He is very kind with me. We don't correspond as often as I'd like, but then again, I finally figured out it had nothing to do with me, but his crazy-busy life. He says I'm awesome, and all that stuff. It's just a frustration about the 'dream' and as was mentioned above, the "fairy tale," that he would live happily ever after if I just excused myself from his life and got out of his way. So when I see him struggling, or seeming to post such negative and frustrated stuff, I do second-guess it all. But you know, he said that he had an "idyllic" childhood, so perhaps that negative facade is just that, and I'm over-personalizing things. I look forward to meeting him in person, and hopefully things settling into a more solid relationship. I do worry a bit too often that he'll just disappear (but that's a normal fear, right?) I will never regret finding each other, but man.. it sure opens up some old wounds. I think that if I had other children, the pain would be easier to handle, and I'd have a better understanding of this. I have stepchildren I raised, but wow.. it's just not the same.

(((trixie))) I thought I was the only crazy one to go through reunion and divorce at the same time!! It is really hard, but I don't regret a moment of it (the reunion, that is). But yeah, there is a LOT of loss to process with the divorce, and then the loss of our children to adoption really comes to the forefront. It really is overwhelming. Give yourself time to adjust and process all this. The fears about losing our kids again is normal. I think this is extremely common for any mother in reunion to worry about, and also for the adoptee to worry that they will be left by us. I try to model consistency with my son, so he knows he can rely on me. What he does in the future I have no control over. I can only hope he will always want to be a part of my life. If not, devastating as that would be, I still feel fortunate that we were able to reconnect and see each other again. I hope you have a face to face with your son soon. I think for me and my son, it really solidified things better. Keep us posted!

Thank you JustPeachy! Yes, lots of things happening in my life in the past several months. Finding my son, my Mom's health has turned for the worse, stepdaughter moved overseas, the other married and moved 5 hours away. There is a loss of the "family" that I had when I was married, because my own family is just a handful of people... so my stbx husband and his family, was my family for over a decade. Also have been mostly working p/t casually as I raised my stepdaughter, so I'm going to be out on the work world again, too. (and moving two states away from the sbtx and my Mom and Sis.) So yeah... add the wonderful and stressful reunion to it, and I'm toast. :) Thank you for reminding me to just take time to adjust. When I feel so sad and overwhelmed by everything, and scared, I just tell myself that it's a lot to handle in one year. I am so grateful for the support here.. no one really knows how it feels to be a firstMom. And losing everything at once this way, really does highlight that I do not have any of my "own" kids... like my Sister and friends do. And thanks for reminding me to be consistent, and be there for my Son. I've told him that I'm not the type of person that will make overtures, or post things on his page on FB, but am here... and will be here, as we figure all this out. We've been chatting online, he's still a bit shy to talk on the phone, but we've joked about video chatting soon. yay! :) Oh, and my Son has had his own son this year, and that baby is the light of my life... hard to describe, but without even seeing him in person, I love him to pieces. It's such a new experience! A baby I can actually LOVE...