Having such a hard time

((((shebreathes))) - just wanted to give you a hug. Sometimes just getting it down in writing does help. There may also be other bmothers out there that read your words and take comfort in knowing they are not the only ones that feel the way they do. That is the good thing about these forums in that we know we are not alone, whether we are adoptees, bparents or aparents.

i dont respond much on this forum but i am so incredibly grateful for it.......i truly dont feel so alone and for the past 14 years I have felt nothing but that. I love your virtual hug, thank you!!! *hugs*

Are you getting counseling at all? I would highly recommend it. This is very hard stuff to go through, and it always helped me to have a good counselor. I can totally relate to your feelings about how even though you felt at the time adoption was the right thing, you feel it doesn't apply anymore. I had similar feelings as my son got older, and most strongly when he turned 21 and I turned 40. I don't know why at that time it bothered me so much, but it did. We had a semi-open and I did get updates and pictures over the years, not many, but still on some regular basis and that gave me enough of a connection to keep me going. But after awhile, I had this incredible need to reconnect and I'm just so happy that my son was also in the same frame of mind, but it still took years for us to go from getting identifying information to actually meeting. We met this past spring and communicate every few weeks (he lives far from me). I'm glad you recognize that your wanting to "have it out" with amom is only in thought. I would advise not to go there IRL. You will never get a satisfactory answer and it will put your son in the middle of a big mess. I can't recall how old you son is or your original story. Did you find him on FB and is he under age?? You had an open or semi-open that closed?? Did you go through an agency and can they reach out to the aparents and see if things can be opened up again?? I'm sorry I don't recall the details (and am too lazy to look up your previous thread, to be honest!). I can tell you, I was a hot mess when I got my son's identifying information and this "phantom child" became very REAL to me all of a sudden. It's a strange thing to lose your child, and only see him in pictures and not know his last name or where he lives. It's like he's out there somewhere, but completely lost to you. And then it hits you like a tidal wave. The feelings when you reconnect are intense. Give yourself time to process them and as much as it hurts, allow yourself to feel them. The worst thing you could do is stuff them down or push them away. Again, a good counselor can help you work through this. And keep coming back here. I also like to journal and writing out your feelings can help to get them out of your system. :grouphug:

How long has it been for you ???? I remember going through what you are going through. I called a week after I put my daughter up for adoption to try to get my baby back and they said it was too late.Which put me in that frame okay I will have to wait until she was eighteen. That is when all my baggage from giving her up happened we did reunite then and I was a mess all those hidden feelings I had hidden came flooding back it took me a good three years to really come to terms on everything in the past but I still have things come up.The feelings do not go away but they do get better in time.My daughter is now 32 she lives 45 min from me and I now have a grand daughter and I look to the future now I watch my grand daughter through my daughter we have the best bond all three of us.

I can relate to the flood of emotions coming back when they reach adulthood. Wasn't expecting it, but I have been working through it.I want to say how happy I am for you. It must be wonderful to have that bond with your daughter after all these years. So happy for you.

I am not getting counseling actually. Only recently did I feel maybe I should. All these years I have felt it but haven't really FELT it...does that make sense? My son will be 14 next April so yes, he is underage. And I found him on Facebook. Thats when it all started again. Actually what did it mainly was just the curiosity of IF i was able to find him and I kept digging until I actually did. We didn't have an open adoption per se.....but I made my wants very clear from the start that I wanted what you had. I wanted letters every so often and pictures to watch him grow up. I didn't want to be an every day part of his life but I didn't want to be kept a secret either. At first she was all for it, then right after he was born, something changed. Years later she did get in touch with me and told me that she would be devastated if he ever wanted to find me....and that she would send one last letter with a photo and neither came. :-( We did go through an agency locally and I have no idea if we can open things again. I dont even know if he knows he's adopted. A couple years later she did get pregnant on her own. She told me he asked her what it was like when he was in her belly, to her answer she told him that her belly was broken at the time and god put him in another womans belly until it was time to be given to her. I have no idea if he remembers that or not and that's all she told me. You're right....this phantom child became real to me and now I watch him from a far....it's hard....and I'm feeling all these emotions that I have put away...it's almost as if I didn't allow myself to feel them when it was happening.....maybe I was too young and couldn't understand.....either way, I"m feeling them now.

what a wonderful story...truly!!! It has been almost 14 years....and for a long time I thought he was 3000 miles away, i'm in california and he was in New York, then I found out they moved back to my part of the state so he was 20 minutes away....but now I found out again that he is back in New York. I can only hope to have a reunion with him....that's if he will ever know....that is what I wonder the most.....I may not even exist to him at all.

how old is your child??? did you get a reunion with he/she?

I am going thru the exact same thing. You go into this knowing you are doing the right thing while at the same time feeling so torn about your decision. You form this "bond" with the family and put your trust in them and that trust and understanding of what you want makes it a tiny bit easier in your decision. It is very frustrating to be in that situation to feel like you were used. To feel like you have this bond with the family then to be discarded on top of loosing your child. I to this day have not found a way to cope with it. Cause not only have I had to deal with my lose I also have to deal with the HUGE Betrayal....

YES this is exactly how I've been feeling. I hope you're doing ok these days. I haven't been here for a little while but feel the need to post again. This place feels so safe to me xoxo

Yeah, I did not notice until later that the dates on the posts are older. When I first went thru all this, adoption, I wasn't proficient on the internet. So when I came across this forum I was just so grateful to find it I didn't pay attention :) Doing better comes in waves, right now it is bad again. I'm working my way out of the depression which is why I started again looking thru google and came across here. When I saw the posts I was hoping that I would have a place to feel safe as well.

I am always here you could say, so if you need to talk, I'm here for you :-) Mine too comes in waves. I actually broke down right before christmas and wrote the amom a letter.....still have not had a reply...and i'm guess i wont either. I feel angry. everyone keeps telling me to not be so angry at her..that she's just being protective over her child BUT I feel like how can i not??

And my wish is for a safe calm reunion for you too. Waiting is hell and counseling can help some but sometimes the healing only comes when you hold him in your arms again. Do you get to write to him ever? Is there any a mom contact? And I knwo that there will be waves of handling your loss okay and times it feels unbearable. Just go with the flow. it always passes and returns. It comes with life. Bless you, honey.

aww sweetie icv only just joined this forum! and came accross your post im so sorry that your hurting so bad and i can say that yes i do completly understand how you are feeling as i to am! i am going to have a look around hear but i want to just say hi and that im hear if you need a chat! xx