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I don't want to be petty. I am a mother to four biological children and I definitely understand the love of a mother. All that being said, it still is annoying to me when she refers to herself as "mommy" when we're together. It takes more than biology to make a mommy. I'm the one who's been "mommy" for his entire life, even though I didn't give birth to him. I have done all the things a mommy does for her baby, while she's been off doing other things. Today, Baby B and I are planning to go to his grandma's house and his birthmom will be there too. We are going to exchange Christmas gifts. I've used her name on the gift tag, rather than "To Mommy" and I am hoping it sends the message that she's not "mommy" anymore. Not sure if I should have a talk with her about it, or leave it alone. Adopting from fostercare isn't really the same as typical domestic adoptions where she "chose" to place him with us. She lost her right to parent because she chose to continue making bad choices for her life, rather than parent.So for that reason, it's harder than I expected it would be, to hear her and her boyfriend refer to her as his mommy. It should be obvious. The last time we saw each other, she was holding him and she said something about mommy (referring to herself). Baby B pushed away from her and pointed to me. Then boyfriend took him. Baby B was twisting to get down, so boyfriend says "Where's mommy?" Instead of looking at birthmom, he looks and points to me. I'm sure it's painful for her and I want to respect her feelings. He will always be her son biologically and I understand that. However, I do wish she'd respect the fact that I'm "mommy" now. Is that too much to ask? How do the rest of you handle this situation?
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Well this is a tough one because of the emotions involved but I will chime in with my 2 cents...1. She will always be "mommy" Whether she was a good one or not. 2. It is going to be confusing to B. Because of this you are going to have to have a conversation with the birthmom. You can't just assume she is going to "get it" by addressing a gift in her first name. If I was to direct a conversation with her I would just state that there is no need to say "B you make mommy so proud" (as an example) and that she could just say "you make me so proud" instead. As B ages and you share with him his story he will understand that BM and Mom are different.3. If you can maybe look at it that she COULDN'T make good choices vs her "choosing to make poor choices" you could feel a bit of empathy for her. Not saying it changing anything but maybe it will help YOU feel less frustrated by her actions.If you continue to sit and fester your open adoption will not survive. You need to be honest and respectful and the same goes for birth mom. Best of luck. This is one situation that is truly difficult.
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We had this same issue with our daughters birthmom and honestly I probably made more out of it then I needed to, but, like you, I felt like I was "mommy" and her calling her self "mommy" would be confusing - she also lost her parental rights, did not chose to give them up. Anyway I ended up sending her an email and basically telling her that she would need to refer to herself as birth mom E or birth mama E. At that time we were not in physical contact with her, just letters and emails. I told her that in our home we referred to her as Birthmom E and that if she wanted me to share her letters with the girls she would have to do the same. There was some other things that she was mentioning in letters that were also inappropriate that I addressed. She did not take it well at first, and after that email I did not hear a thing from her for about 6 months. But in time she opened back up to me and said she understands even though it hurts. Sense then our relationship has gotten a lot better. We have even been able to see her and spend some time with her.. Dropping hints did not work though, I would say just address the matter openly. Yes, it will be hard for her but for the sake of your family it might be what you need to do.
In our house it really doesn't matter, I am their mommy and the birthmoms are also thier mommy, I don't refer to myself as adoptive mommy so I figure the don't have to refer to themselves as birth mommy. The limited amount of time we actually spend in physical contact with them is not going to leave them confused or damaged, I just try to explain things in an age appropriate way and let it go. T is now almost 10 and is not at all confused about the situation nor does he seem to be damaged from the brief episodes of confusion he might have experienced when he was younger and the situation arose. The mom's referring to themselves as mommy is probably more for thier own benefit and I know that it doesn't change who I am to my boys, so I let it be. As mentioned above, I try and look at the choices they made that resulted in the boys being removed as more of a "couldn't" instead of a "wouldn't" but it becomes difficult at times, when that happens I try to remember that the boys will pick up on my thoughts about thier birthfamily and that has the potential to effect them either positively or negatively and it is my job as thier "mommy" to make sure it is positive.
In our house, I am mommy, birthparents are referred to by their first names.
We also adopted from foster care, and I agree that it is a completely different situation than a parent choosing to place. Most times, there is anger and resentment over the child being taken away, and many times, parental rights were involuntarily terminated.
I think you need to be direct with birthmom. Tell her you are mommy, and while you child will always know who grew him in her belly, who gave birth to him etc, he will refer to her by her first name (or whatever you want him to call her).
And I also think it matter that you've had him since infancy. If either of my kids had come to me as older toddlers, my perspective might be different (allowing son to call birthmom "mom" also if he wanted). But I've had both for all but a few months of their lives.
Bottom line is, this is your family, and you make the decisions. If you are uncomfortable calling bm "mommy", and you think it will confuse your son, be direct with birthmom and make sure your son knows her first name.
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciated various views on this situation. Crick-- Today's visit went pretty good, actually. Baby B's birthmom handled herself appropriately today and came across more as an aunt or older sister. She was very respectful. In fact, I was really dreading going, because this was also the first visit under Baby B's new legal name and I wasn't sure how grandma or birth mom would accept it. But both of them readily called him by his new name and didn't appear at all miffed or offended by the change. I was so grateful. The only very awkward moment was due to grandma's boyfriend who was gushing to me how thankful he was for my family's "big hearts", that we can "open our home to unwanted children that are born to mothers who can't take care of their babies"... all said in front of Baby B's birthmom. It was extremely inappropriate and tacky. It upset grandma and birthmom... understandably so. Other than that, it was a good visit. :-)
My kiddos aren't yet adopted, and it's looking as though they won't have an OA with Mom. They are currently 3, 2 and 1. For the past year or so, the older two kids refer to me as "Mommy" and to their Mom as "Mommy (her first name)". My FS does the same with my DH and his biological father. It's not something we initiated, they came up with it on their own.
We're likely going to have an OA with the boys' father and one of the stipulations of the agreement is that he not refer to himself as Dad, Daddy, etc. However, I did tell the case supervisor that if during post adoption visits the boys referred to Dad in that way, that I was okay with it because the boys were making that distinction themselves.
Our daughter was 4 when we got her. Biomom was mommy, after about 6 months we were both mommy, a year in i was mommy and she was Mommy (first name). When dd was 6 or so it became (first name) Mommy and then just (first name). We never pushed the issue, just let her decide what to call us and it was a natural progression that was led by dd so biomom and I both just followed her lead.
We adopted from foster care and have a very OA.
racingwife20
My kiddos aren't yet adopted, and it's looking as though they won't have an OA with Mom. They are currently 3, 2 and 1. For the past year or so, the older two kids refer to me as "Mommy" and to their Mom as "Mommy (her first name)".
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o2b30again
Well this is a tough one because of the emotions involved but I will chime in with my 2 cents...
1. She will always be "mommy" Whether she was a good one or not.