found out the Wrong Way

Swampmom, I am so sorry to hear you found out this way. I learned a few months ago that my father is not biologically related to me (I'm 39). I wasn't supposed to learn of it either (and it's not something I ever "felt" growing up so I really had no clue until something happened about 10 years ago that slowly started the ball rolling). I wish my parents wouldn't have kept it a secret either because it caused so much emotional damage to them; all that wasted energy trying to hide something...soo, soo foolish (though admittedly, I think I'm handling it better now than I would have had I known as a child/teen/etc, but that's a different story). I hope your family comes around and supports you during this time. This is something that happened TO you, and shouldn't be made out as something that happened BECAUSE of you. Take care, and stick around. You'll get some great support here.

Smom, It's easy to see how you feel.Now that you have the info, mixed with grief, loss and despair, the next feeling can't help but be, where do I go from here.My a-parents adopted me thru the black market. Yet my a-dad intended never to share any portions of my adoption story.Had it not been for his 2nd wife, I would never have known, but a lingering uneasyness would always have been present.My adoption story was shared at age 7, but it was not a good story, nor was it complete. I was left to put the pieces together AFTER, i found them. My a-dad never mentioned any of the story. It was as tho it had never happened.There is no doubt this has been a devastating experience, but in time there will be healing, and the details will be less overwhelming. The adoption road is never easy, and the consequences are life long.I have searched 55+ years and only found pieces related to hearsay...it is as tho the adoption occurred, ended and it was only an illusion. There is no hard evidence that it was anything more than a transaction.I wish you the best.

Thank you so much for the support and telling me your stories. It has made me feel better knowing others know how I feel. I am not getting very much support from family. They think I am over reacting to all of this.

I am a 50 plus years looking for info also and find that it is very hard to find anything that had to do with a not so legal adoption. Sometimes I feel all alone, no relatives, excluding my children. [FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]That was a very mean thing to do, instead of stepping up to the plate, your adoptive mom chicken out when she is needed the most. She needs a good kick in her teeth for doing that to you.. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]My advice to you is not spend your life being angry at what was and still is completely out of your control. The sad thing is, you may not never get the answers you seek.....we never do. You have to find peace not knowing. [/FONT] Heal well sister.

Hi swampmum , my name is Ian.o and I know what you must be going through is not easy and very hard to take in right now. I also found out about myself being adopted much later in life, and I felt that my adoptive parents did not know me, trust me, or love me enough to tell me the truth about my adoption. I was born here in los angeles and was taken to England when I was 8 years old. I was one of 3 kids , but I was the only one who was adopted. The fact of myself being adopted was always kept from me. Although I always half suspected that I somehow did not fit it with the rest of the family in my personality and out look on life. It was not until I was almost 30 years old that I decided to leave home for a life of my own as my adoptive mother was very much a control freak. She would even open and read my personal mail !!!!!, they thought that I should remain at home my whole life to look after them until they were dead. So the day that I decided to leave home I had made all my arrangements, and as I was walking out of the front door with the last of my belongings. My mother turned round to me and said " If you are leaving you might as well know that you were " ADOPTED ". And that is how I found out. I later discovered that my bio mother had passed away just three years before me finding my bio brother in la harbra in 2006. I look at it this way , my Bio mother must of had a very hard choice to make when having to give me up. We all have to make hard choices in life , and we have to live with the results of those choices. I don't blame her or resent her in anyway as I really don't know why she had to make that decission . I would of really liked to of had the chance to meet her, and know her, but now I just pray that she is resting in peace knowing that I have found my bio father here in cali. I hope that you will find this helpful and I encourage you to look to the future and not dwell on the past. What doe's not kill you only makes you stronger.

thank you for your support. You are correct. I will never get all the answers I want. I have come to terms with that though. :)

I don't think it's possible to "over react" to this situation!

Ian.o, thank you for your words of wisdom. I felt the same way, that my family didn't truly know me. Heck, I don't think I truly knew myself. I am now 36 and for the first time I am confident with who I am. I have moved away from my family. Not far away...I am 20 miles from them instead of literally next door. I am involved in a totally different type of community that I feel more comfortable around. I have made life choices that my family doesn't relate to. My child's father died recently and it is hard to deal with without my family support, but we are managing. My a-mother and I no longer speak. I have tried to reestablish our relationship but she has put up barriers to me. I do not know why, but I suspect it is guilt of not telling me about the adoption and fear she may accidently tell me whatever else I am not suppose to know about my adoption. I have spoken to my bio-mom and have gotten a few details from her, but she isn't mentally able to tell me enough information for me to find my bio-dad. I did find my bio-sister several months ago, but it did not go well. I have not spoken to my bio brother or my other sister(who was also given up for adoption). I miss all the family get togethers but I am very happy with who I am now. For the first time, I can think that I got certain traits from my father instead of just feeling like the odd ball. When i do something or think something that doesn't fit into my family's mold then I know that i must get it from my bio-father. I have no intention of finding my father at this time. I haven't heard good stories about him so I think for now I will hold off on looking for him. My time needs to be raising my children. Ian, I am so happy you have found your father and brother. I am sorry to hear of your loss, but hope you are at peace with knowing your bio-mum is with God.

Not only was it an awful way to find out, what the hell is she thinking?! She should consider herself your mom in any case! How DARE she! So much secrecy...it truly sounds like none of the "usual" situations. I am glad you have made new connections. What a shame for all concerned. I wish you the best.

Thanks for your kind words, but I count myself as one of the lucky one's , that found family that wants to know them. Im so sorry to hear of your husbands passing, my a,father passed away just before I returned to the usa. Although we did not have much in common he was the only one of the adoptive family that I was close to. Both my adoptive sisters hated me. The eldest made my life a living hell as a child, and only wanted to talk to me when I left home so she could rub it in mum's face. I later got in contact with her just to pump her for information about my life here in the usa. She was only interested in my search for my bio family so she could hurt our mum's feelings, and to keep in touch with me in the chance of a free holiday to the usa. I don't hate my a.mum but I feel sorry for her, as she is all alone now with only her bitterness and hatered of all her family that will have nothing to do with her because she has driven them all away. My younger a.sister disowned me when she found out that I was not her bio bother. None of this matters to me anymore, as I have had my hearts dream come true of returning to the usa, and even better than that I have family that wants and loves me just for who I am. Keep your chin up honey, and hold on to your dreams, they can come true !!!!!!!.

Hey Fiz,I can understand how you feel. I have told my story to the Board many times, so wont bore you with the details.I was sold into adoption thru the black market in the mid '30's. All paper trails were destroyed and what remained was destroyed by my a-family. My a-father intended never to tell his children they were adopted, in spite of the fact he bought 2.I am unable to search because i have no names. Additionally, other than a-family, i have never had any birth relatives.It is easy to understand your feelings. You get used to the feelings, but, but those feelings also lurk in the background. As time passes, the feelings of grief and loss will become less and you will move on in spite of the fact that they will always remain.I wish you the best.

Hello. I have read what you had to say in your story. That hit a nerve ( for me. ) I am so sorry to hear this. Have you tried speaking with a specialist about this? It seems like all this information at once, is a lot to deal with! I know that after I met my Biological family I was told by my Dr. that I suffered from PTSS. Although I always knew that I was adopted, my decision to finally meet them, was not such a good idea in the long run. At least you know the truth now. Possibly give them some time. Usually when people act that way it's b/c they feel some type of guilt and who knows maybe they already do know that they were wrong for not telling you . I apoligize in advance if I have said anything to upset you. I just know from finding out all that information about my biological family was awful, and it turned out that I really needed to speak with a Dr. about how I was feeling at the time, why it made me feel that way, and what I can do to improve my situation. After I did things got much better. I hope they will for you as well. Another idea is a journal. List everything you already know, questions you have and other ways you may be able to find out your answers with or without your family's help. Good luck! - Kelly