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I am in a strange place in my adoption right now. I am a first mom, he just found out almost a year ago to the date that he is adopted, he is 16, we have talked, well texted each other, we are friends on face book and correspond through that sometimes, he recently added my father, and sisters on face book as friends, and he is also friends with my daughter his sister (full) on face book also. I think everything is going really good. I have a problem though, I can't stand to even say it but I HATE his A-Mom, with EVERY fiber of my being, I hate her, I hate the lies she told me, I hate the words she said to me during our last conversation, I hate the fact that when we were talking about them A-Parents adopting my son, they told me he would always know he was adopted, and they would send me pictures, and keep in touch. She lied, I sent so many unanswered letters. The last conversation she had, she told me I carried him, and gave birth to him and that's where my feelings end, that's where my role in his life ended, she said she never planned on telling him he was adopted because she didn't want to because she didn't think it would make her job of raising him the way she wanted to any easier.. Then she said she had nothing else to say to me and hung up in my ear. I was hysterically crying asking her to try and see it from my side (before she hung up), she didn't care, she didn't want to hear my side, she didn't care about my years of tormenting myself, my broken heart, my mixed emotions of ever having another child, my guilty feeling when I did have another child, she doesn't care, I literally HATE THIS WOMAN... And I know I shouldn't I know I need to let go of this feeling, it's been over a year and I still can't let it go!!! Any help or suggestions on how I can get myself through this hate???
:hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy:
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I can relate to your pain and hurt hun, but just know that all that hate is damaging to you. It could also make it hard for you to enjoy your relationship with your son, which that in itself is such a blessing. Just try to focus on that and let go of the past hurt that his a-mom caused you. In the end, the one she hurts the most by that choice will be herself.
I know that's a whole lot easier for me to say than it is for you to do. Although our stories are not identical, I do know how it feels when a-parents make promises they don't keep or they lie. It's a deep hurt that never goes away, but you just have to focus on the most important thing, the reason your a firstmom, your son. I wish you all the best, please feel free to message me if you ever need to talk or vent :)..((HUGS))!
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Thank you so much for the kind words... I know that this hate that I have is damaging to myself, it is terrible, and I would never bring my feelings up to my son... I am trying to let go of the anger that I have it just feels like even after a year it hasn't subsided, even when I think of her name my blood almost boils... UUGHH!! I know I shouldn't feel this way, I do feel truly blessed and thankful for my new wonderful relationship with my son, I feel like I am more focused on that than anything else, but I just think it might be easier if I could let go of the majority of the anger I have for this woman.. Thank you again for your words!!!:thanks:
You have every right to be angry LoveMine77! This woman has acted horribly to you. She is obviously self-absorbed and has no empathy - no just for you but for your son as well. She is not able to put his best interest first. The depth of your anger may come from a fear that she will try to sabotage your reunion with your son. Sadly, she probably will :( Here are two books that have helped me immensely.
1. [url=http://www.adoptionhealing.com/]Adoption Healing[/url] - under books, and
2. How do I forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. [url=http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_16/180-4378698-6333821?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=how+do+i+forgive+you&sprefix=How+do+I+forgive%2Cstripbooks%2C300]Amazon.com: how do i forgive you: Books[/url]
I am so sorry that this has happened to you ((hugs)). Please do not underestimate this vile AP.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I really, really want to tell you that your anger is justified, but will change nothing. I am an amom and (funny enough) and struggling with a bdad who has broken his promises and want's nothing to do with my son. I'm angry, but I have had to let it go.
Can you find ONE thing that is positive about amom? (did your child have a good childhood, does he love his mom, etc.) That is the only way you will be able to work with this. Look for the positive. Is your child happy? Is he well adjusted outside of the adoption? Good grades?. I'm just saying that there may be some issues you aren't aware of. She may be scared to death of you and of the "competition" you create in your reunion.
AGAIN, I am not defending her, I am simply trying to get you to a place you can see some joy and not let her shortcomings ruin your reunion.
God bless you in your reunion!!!
This phrase might help you: "What you think of me is none of my business."I had to ponder that a long time to really get it. What it is for me is: Whatever someone else thinks of me is *irrelevant* completely to my life. What she thinks of you -- doesn't matter. It's her problem.That she lied to you and broke her promises -- her problem. She probably did it from fear -- but doesn't matter. Why doesn't matter. It has NOTHING to do with you, what she did. Nothing. Only her."What you think of me is none of my business." Hope this helps.
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Bear in my mind you gave this woman the greatest gift. In turn you have received the chance to get to know your son. Karma is a great thing. When you start feeling the pain of being treated in an unfair way and it sounds like this woman did treat you unfairly if she promised things she didn't follow through with; just remember the tortured feelings are up to you. She can be however she is but you can choose to understand she will never know and perhaps is incapable of knowing how fortunate she is that you allowed her to raise your son. Her Karma is her own. If she is so tied up in her insecurities that she can't acknowledge your feelings it's her problem. You did what you believed was the right thing and opened a dialogue to express how you were feeling. She is the one who can't accept it because she has not experienced it. Hopefully there are other people in your life you can go to for comfort and to grieve this breach of trust. Be true to yourself don't bottle this stuff up. Try to get to the grief underneath the "hatred". Believe me most people who are untrustworthy aren't worth the powerful feelings. Thanks for letting someone who is adopted know that there are powerful feelings from those who are on the other side of the coin. Try to turn those feelings in the right direction. Often our capacity to love is just as huge as our capacity to "hate". Remember that. Find someone who deserves all that energy and give it to them; don't waste all that energy on someone who you already know isn't capable of understanding. Good luck.
When you hang onto feelings of bitterness and hate for someone else you are only poisoning yourself. Those emotions cause your body to release hormones that raise your blood pressure, upset your stomach, and cause your muscles to ache. You can literally make yourself sick. Your childs amom is not worth all that. It is extremely hard to let all of that go but you need to try for your own sake. I don't have any issues with my son's amom but I had serious issues with my son's birth father. I had to let it go for my own mental and physical health. It only took me about 15 years to do. Good luck in your reunion with your son! Also, good luck in dealing with the issues surrounding his amom.
I'm confused. You are in a strange place in your adoption? Did you adopt this boy? I don't know what an A-Mom is, or any of the other lingo you all use on this site.
Or, you gave hiim up for adoption and now his adoptive mother won't give you the time of day?
It's not about you.
Get over yourself. Ain't no time to hate. Perhaps you enjoy that hate? It's an easier feeling to deal with and express than any other.
Either way...get over yourself.
captaintrps
I'm confused. You are in a strange place in your adoption? Did you adopt this boy? I don't know what an A-Mom is, or any of the other lingo you all use on this site.
Or, you gave hiim up for adoption and now his adoptive mother won't give you the time of day?
It's not about you.
Get over yourself. Ain't no time to hate. Perhaps you enjoy that hate? It's an easier feeling to deal with and express than any other.
Either way...get over yourself.
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Lovemine77 if you ever come back to this post I understand how you feel. There is a certain rage that occurs when you have been betrayed in such a heartless way. Over time I have found that my rage left. I will never speak to my daughter's aparents again under any circumstances but I do not feel that intense anger. I suspect you will feel the same way in time.
Oh my god....I totally know how you feel!!! Finally someone who has posted exactly how I feel. I am so disgusted by the AP's of my daughter that...I can't even say it in public. But it has caused me so much pain and her so much pain as well. She's been separated from me because of they're lies about me. They told her that I cared more about "pot" than I cared about her. But, I was never smoking pot at that time! They said that I lived in a disgusting place. I found this out from an email she sent to our family...for what???? Because they are scared that she might want to be with me. And I'll tell you what..I would totally welcome her into my home. I would have welcomed her years ago when I got my s%^&*( together after what they pulled on me. I really don't like them either. I only hope that one day she knows the truth. What a disgusting lie adoption can be. It is way better than the alternative..but birth parents need to have better protection and support. Thanks to this website for helping everyone. I just wish that silly advertisements for adoption weren't everywhere. I want to scream out to birth parents....KEEP YOUR BABY!!!! Please- no matter how hard it may seem....!!! It will never be as hard as when you can't have your child because someone has stolen them away from you.