Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

contact if you are still interested in adopting a baby . waiting to read from you asap or if you know of any adoptive parent that is willing and serious in adopting a baby please direct them to me (solangemooh1@yahoo.com)

I don't think it is closed or open adoption that is the issue; I think that how adoption is sold is the issue. Most adoptees I know, and I know a lot, have searched or want to search or at least think about searching for their biological family. But we don't necessarily talk to our adoptive families about it all. A little bit of internet research would be good preparation for potential adoptive parents these days because many of us are out there talking about our desire to reconnect with our biological families and about the success or failure of those reunions. Personally, I did not search - I was found by my half sister. My immediate reaction was that I didn't want to share that with my adoptive family because it was something that was just mine and I wanted to keep it that way for a while. My adoptee friends who have searched feel the same way - their reunion is about them and their biological families. I think it stems from having no choice in our adoption, because we were just babies, having that control over search and reunion is very important.I did share that I had been found with my adoptive family, before I met my biological family. Their reaction was so toxic and negative, it made me wish that I had not. Before I told them, I thought that nothing would ever change how I felt about my adoptive family, I would always love them, they are my family. The way they treated me after my reunion though, like I owed them something and was being ungrateful for wanting a relationship with my biological mother and half sister and half brother, it felt like they were trying to stamp ownership on me and made me feel like something they had bought, it made me look at them differently. The first year I ever missed Christmas with them was several years into my reunion and my adoptive mother told me that I was responsible for breaking up the family. So I had spent 29 Christmases with my adoptive family but spending one away from them destroyed the family.I guess what I am trying to say here is that like it or not, adoptees do have 2 mothers and 2 fathers and any number of brothers and sisters and relatives. It is a fact that many of us connect very deeply to our biological families because we all share the same genetic potential - there is nature and there is nurture in all of us. I don't think it is fair to expect adoptees to bury their desire to know their biological families in order to protect the feelings of their adoptive families - we were the only party in the triad who had literally no choice in where we ended up.

I am so sorry to read these stories and I do hope that you will have less heartache. As a parent in a closed adoption, these stories are really kind of scary. I hope what follows is not taken to lessen what I have read here, as I may find myself facing the same situation one day. My point is, I know from experience, that this kind of betrayal doesn't only occur in adoption situations. W (a sibling) and my mother were as different as night and day and soon as W reached adulthood, the hurt and betrayal began. My mother could have written very similar words to what I am reading here.

I need to say I am struck by incredible sadness when I read the posts from everyone but particularily adoptive moms who feel really hurt and used. My perspective on this whole situation is quite different than yours. I adopted a beautiful daughter at birth. She is 10 years old. Our adoption is"open " legally and provides for 2 letters, photos and an annual phone call to the birthmom. My daughter has known since she was tiny that she was placed by her bmom into our loving arms through adoption. We beleive this was God's plan and always will. We have open, honest discussions with our daughter regarding her bmom who happens to be mentally unstable. This woman has made my life living hell, broken every boundary and agreement finalized in court. I recently was forced to obtain a court order for anti harassment. But that's not my point. Here is my message. Good or bad, it is what it is. You will be bound forever by your child with this birthparent and/or family.How you talk about them, treat them,include or exclude them has an impact on your child. Short run, long run, eventually it will usually come to fruitation and have to be dealt with. So you make a choice. I chose to approach my situation with as much love, understanding, tolerance and knowledge as possible. My daughter has never ever heard an unpleasant word about her bmom dispite some pretty horrific behavior.I share any and all letters to her, pictures and have in the past allowed phone contact that was not part of our agreement. This is how I see it. I don't ever want my daughter to feel bad about her bmom, who she is, what she has done.I want her to feel special and proud. I want her to KNOW that discussing her adoption, her bmom is ok, encouraged and definately nothing to be ashamed of. I feel very strongly that the stronger the understanding, the bond, the love between my daughter and I, the easier it will be when the time comes for her to meet her bfamily.I will do my best to prepare her for that in an honest and loving way. I do have an entire box filled with all of the wonderful letters, gifts and pictures her bmom has shared with her. However, I have another box. It is filled with horrible letters filled with hate, court documentations and emails from bmom. I plan on explaining to my daughter when she is emotionally mature (18, 19, 21?) that we did have difficulties and that I feel obligated to protect her by sharing those now that she has grown up. It will be my daughters choice.With or without me,to meet her or chose not to....I will support that 100% dispite my personal feelings.I will never ever put my feelings first, no matter what.I will never ever close my door or my heart to a change in relationship based on interaction with bmom.I am working hard every day to create the loving bond that endures all things, and I pray for joy and happiness.If my daughter suddenly turns on me, meets her bmom and ignores me I will continue to love her, seek her out, encourage her, praise her good actions and know that I raised her to be a loving, generous and forgiving soul and she will come full circle when ready. I pray you will open your heart to possibilities and relationships. You have everything to gain. Good Luck and many blessings!!!

:wings: I need to say I am struck by incredible sadness when I read the posts from everyone but particularily adoptive moms who feel really hurt and used. My perspective on this whole situation is quite different than yours. I adopted a beautiful daughter at birth. She is 10 years old. Our adoption is"open " legally and provides for 2 letters, photos and an annual phone call to the birthmom. My daughter has known since she was tiny that she was placed by her bmom into our loving arms through adoption. We beleive this was God's plan and always will. We have open, honest discussions with our daughter regarding her bmom who happens to be mentally unstable. This woman has made my life living hell, broken every boundary and agreement finalized in court. I recently was forced to obtain a court order for anti harassment. But that's not my point. Here is my message. Good or bad, it is what it is. You will be bound forever by your child with this birthparent and/or family.How you talk about them, treat them,include or exclude them has an impact on your child. Short run, long run, eventually it will usually come to fruitation and have to be dealt with. So you make a choice. I chose to approach my situation with as much love, understanding, tolerance and knowledge as possible. My daughter has never ever heard an unpleasant word about her bmom dispite some pretty horrific behavior.I share any and all letters to her, pictures and have in the past allowed phone contact that was not part of our agreement. This is how I see it. I don't ever want my daughter to feel bad about her bmom, who she is, what she has done.I want her to feel special and proud. I want her to KNOW that discussing her adoption, her bmom is ok, encouraged and definately nothing to be ashamed of. I feel very strongly that the stronger the understanding, the bond, the love between my daughter and I, the easier it will be when the time comes for her to meet her bfamily.I will do my best to prepare her for that in an honest and loving way. I do have an entire box filled with all of the wonderful letters, gifts and pictures her bmom has shared with her. However, I have another box. It is filled with horrible letters filled with hate, court documentations and emails from bmom. I plan on explaining to my daughter when she is emotionally mature (18, 19, 21?) that we did have difficulties and that I feel obligated to protect her by sharing those now that she has grown up. It will be my daughters choice.With or without me,to meet her or chose not to....I will support that 100% dispite my personal feelings.I will never ever put my feelings first, no matter what.I will never ever close my door or my heart to a change in relationship based on interaction with bmom.I am working hard every day to create the loving bond that endures all things, and I pray for joy and happiness.If my daughter suddenly turns on me, meets her bmom and ignores me I will continue to love her, seek her out, encourage her, praise her good actions and know that I raised her to be a loving, generous and forgiving soul and she will come full circle when ready. I pray you will open your heart to possibilities and relationships. You have everything to gain. Good Luck and many blessings!!!

I am so glad to find out that I am not the only one that feels like I just took in some one else's child and spend all my time and money on her for her to go and find her birth "mother" who thinks she can just now step back in the picture to act like she is a mother. I am her mother! The birth "mother" is a mother to her son whom she raised but not to my daughter whom I raised as my own. I understand the need for my daughter to find out who this woman is and the need to ask her to her face why she made her and than gave her away. but to have to see the I love you from her and my daughter replying the same to her( although daughter told me that she tough it was expected from her to say that) is very hurtful to me and I just don't understand! I think way to much is put on a birth "mother" than should be! to me and my dad who was also adopted by his step dad, the only people that mean anything are the ones who were always there for you! I feel betrayed also. And every time I see any contact between my daughter, son in law and that person it's like someone hits the crazy button on me. If I had known I was going to end up feeling this way I would have never adopted!

I understand the need to look and the need for answers. I just can not understand how a woman who made a baby than gave her away for what ever reasons becomes more important than the one that raised ya and was always there. I guess that is where my issues are. I also feel very hurt since my daughter went to go and her birth"mother"

I went in it the same way you have. I never though I was going to end up feeling the way I do now. I just have no idea what to do about it. I had always been open about everything , collected all the info for both of my kids for when the time came. My son has no interest in finding his birth "mother" And I just so wished my daughter hadn't either. But when she got pregnant the need came to find out. And she went and did it behind my back to. I just do not know what to do.

Yes I so do understand your feelings, hugs and I am so glad I finally found this sit and some women that feel betrayed and understand my feelings.

I feel like I was the dummy who put all my life and everything in taken care of some one else's child for what? i could have just stayed a foster parent and got paid to raise someone else's child and would have been aware I m doing a job!

I had all good attentions to be there to help my kids look for their birth"parents". It's easy to say those things when kids are only 10. When they are adults and these strangers come in to he picture it becomes a whole diff. thing! Not so easy than. those kids are my kids and it's like a stranger comes in now and try to rip them away from me now!

Wow i am so sorry for you. At least my daughter is still here. She and her hubby were living with us until last week. After 2 and a half years my husband was like they need to live on their own. I didn't want them to leave at all. As far as I was concerned they could have lived with me forever. i enjoyed being able to be part of my grand baby's life everyday. But that this Birth"mother" is in the picture now makes me very upset. I have told me daughter I felt bad about the way I am feeling and that I know I have no business telling her not to have a relationship with this woman. I had gave her a picture of her birth"mother" and "father" and also their names. but when the time came I totally freaked out. To me she is MY baby I am her mommy. am not very proud of the way I reacted and still do But I really do not know what to do.

Sadmommy, I am sorry you are hurting and that no other mothers who feel this way have responded. I don't know that anyone can say anything that will make a difference, it really depends on whether you are open to hearing what is said. Sayng that, in your last post you talk about your grandbaby - based on that I would like you - to ask yourself the following question. "Does my loving my grandbaby make me love my daughter any less?" Please think about that, and then ask yourself if your daughter has the heart to love two mothers, or if she is incaple of that, and can only love one mother. Kind regards,Dickons

Your son almost certainly feels your anger and coldness. This is a young man who has been serving his country. He has probably seen death, and maybe had experiences where he came close to death. For goodness sakes, you have a son of whom you should be proud. Reach out to him. Hold him close. People who have been in a situation like combat are often changed by their experience. They may think a lot about their life and possible death. An adopted child may want to learn about his birthparents, so that they can meet him and he can meet them, just in case he is killed, so that they don't have to wonder, for the rest of their lives, what their birthson was like, what happened to him, and so on. People who have been in a situation like combat also may feel a need to reach out to their own families and mend fences. Life is fragile, and they may not want to go off to war, having angry words out there; what if it's the last time they see their loved ones. So please, for his sake, let him know, in the nicest way you can, that you don't mind that he searched for his birthparents, or even that he saw them, but that some of the things he has done have bothered you and you'd like to talk about it. Try to clear the air, and make sure that he knows that you love him. You don't ever want to see him go off to war with your sullen glances and curt words in his head, and face death. You will feel guilt for your entire life that you let him go off without knowing that you love him. If you are so angry at him that you can't do that, I do hope that you will seek out professional help. His desire to search is so normal under the circumstances, and he almost certainly didn't mean to hurt you. He wants to know these people who share his genes, but that doesn't mean he loves you any less. In fact, he will probably come to love you even more for letting him get to know his birth family, and for being welcoming to his birth family, as long as they are safe and pleasant people. I am almost certain that your son's birthparents aren't trying to hurt you. In fact, they may be so overwhelmed with joy that you were open to your son's search, that they probably feel nothing but love for you. And they may be a little overwhelmed, knowing that this young man who has suddenly come back into their lives, could well be killed in combat, and want to make every minute with him count. You have a fine son -- a son you should be very proud of. He is a good son to you, and he is being a good birth son to his birthparents. Respect him and love him, and let him go off to do his patriotic duty knowing that, whatever happens, he now has the love of two families enveloping him. Sharon

Sadmommy, I am sorry for the pain you're obviously experiencing. If your daughter loves other people, does that make her love you less? Why does it threaten you so that she has a relationship with her birth/first mother? Why should your daughter searching for her biological roots, history, and identity mean she loves you any less? She hasn't betrayed you...she's only trying to find out who she is for pete's sake.