Adoptive Mother's Feelings Of Betrayal

My kids are still small, so I don't know how much insight I have as a parent, but your post made me think back to when I was in my early 20s. I am not adopted, fwiw. But when I was in my early 20s I NEVER would have discussed important personal stuff with my mother. Maybe because it was important to me to be forming an independent identity from my parents. Maybe because I feared her disapproval about some of the choices I was making. Whatever the reason, it had nothing to do with how close I was with her. I was, and remain, extremely close with my mother. But I wasn't a kid anymore, and I felt it was important to keep myself a bit distant. All of this to say, that it seems to me to be very age-appropriate for a 21 year old to be making choices like this without talking to you. While you see it as a family issue -- and I understand that -- to him it's a personal issue about his identity and his past. And 21 year olds aren't always the best at empathy and understanding that one's actions impact others.