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I am a 27 year old adoptee and am due to have my first baby in a couple of weeks time. I have a teenage step daughter who we see during school holidays and a every other weekend but recently I've been finding it really hard to get on with her. We used to get on quite well and when I married her dad I was convinced that we were going to have a nice happy family life and that having a baby would just make everything complete. However, since I became pregnant she seems to spend all her time trying to get her dad's attention and completely ignores me...everything is 'dad....' this and 'night dad', I'm starting to feel invisible.
Her mother repeatedly texts my husband with baby photos of her and comments such as 'now you have 2 baby mothers' and my husband's family treat her mother as if she is still with my husband and she goes around to my father in law's for christmas dinner. My husband doesn't want to be around her and neither do I to be honest because she is rude, demeaning and doesn't seem to give any thought for other people's feelings.
I know that it must be hard for my step daughter adjusting to having a new(ish) step mother and a half sibling coming along so I would like to help make things easier for her but I'm at a loss as to how to do this as I have my own issues to deal with at the same time. I've spoken to a couple of friends about it but they seem to expect me to treat her as if she was my own child. Our relationship has never been of the mother/daughter variety, she basically does whatever she wants unless my husband deems it inappropriate. Whenever I ask her to do something or tell her not to do something, she refuses and says 'what are you going to do about it?' so I have to go and 'tell tales' to my husband. To be honest I'm worried about what will happen when my baby arrives. My step daughter always has and will be my husband's priority but my baby will be my priority. I will obviously encourage the baby to have a good relationship with it's sister but I can't see how it's all going to fit together.
I don't know whether it has something to do with being adopted but I always fantasised about a perfect family, husband, children and christmas' with all the family where everyone gets on. Last christmas however ended up with my husband and I avoiding his dad's house because his ex was there and me being the only child present at my parents (one sibling is in a psych unit and the other is never around anyway) and having to go home early because my step daughter 'felt tired' and wanted to go home because, for once, she wasn't the centre of attention, my nieces and nephews were.
Noone in my life seems to understand the difference between the three different types of relationships - biological, adoptive and step. They seem to think that because I'm adopted myself I should just be able to accept my step daughter as if she was my own. I know it's important to have a strong relationship with her and I have done everything I can to try to make her feel included in the family and feel at home in our house, even to the extent that I now feel uncomfortable in my own house because she doesn't think twice about walking into our bedroom (or any other room) without warning. Everyone keeps on telling me how important it is to make her feel included and to make sure I don't make her jealous by my relationship with my baby but to honest, at the moment, the only relationship that I really want to concentrate on is the one with my baby as I have spent so long trying to make everyone else comfortable, I'm afraid that the relationship with my baby will suffer because of it.
It just feels like noone around me understands, my a mum keeps on saying things like 'I hope you don't expect me to look after the baby when it's a newborn' and 'I hope you won't expect your dad and I to look after the baby while you go away'. She doesn't seem to understand that the thought of leaving my baby with ANYONE makes me break into a cold sweat! I've also had the same from my father in law (who to be honest I really wouldn't want looking after my baby anyway as he is a chain smoker and in his day men didn't even change nappies).
Does anyone else have problems connecting with or being understood by other members of their family? I'm starting to wonder whether, even though I love my husband, I would be better off going it alone so I can concentrate fully on the baby. Although obviously, that would just be creating another broken family...
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Plenty of adoptees (and non-adoptees) would struggle in this scenario. Add the hormones hitting you when you least expect it, coupled with your natural, normal, mothering feelings growing within you - you are just fine. I do think you may find your husband will be just as focused on your baby as you are. He isn't experiencing things like you are now, but after birth - that's when it seems to happen for guys. Take this time to focus on the coming birth and preparing your home to welcome your baby. Do your best to own your space without guilt. This is YOUR time. Have a heart to heart with your husband on your need for him to ensure you have a stress free environment because new studies show your stress levels do impact the baby. Just don't allow the pretty common adoptee people pleaser mode to rule - you first has to be your mantra right now for the sake of both you and the baby. Kind regards,Dickons
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I can't come at this from an adoptee perspective, but I can tell you that when I was pregnant with my second child, my older child (both bio and full siblings) got a lot more clingy. And for a while after she was pretty clingy. My kids are younger, but it may be a similar thing. Your step daughter may be just going through normal sibling feelings when a new baby is coming into the picture.
And I can totally relate to the thought of someone else having your child for a while breaking you into cold sweats!
As for your husband's priorities, IMO he will have to come up with a way for both of his kids to be a priority. His daughter being his priority and the new baby being your priority won't work out in the long run, IMO. I think Dickons is right...he will probably get focused on the baby when he/she comes.
Thank you Dickons and usisarah. It's good to know that my step daughter's behaviour is probably quite normal and that it will hopefully get easier once the baby has been born. I guess I hadn't really been appreciating the difference for a father in the whole pregnancy experience, while I'm already fully 'on board', it makes sense that my husband feels more removed from the whole experience and will do until he can hold the baby and start to fully bond. I'm glad I'm not the only one usisarah, I was starting to think I was getting too over-protective already!Thanks for the reassurance, I think I need to have a good talk with my husband, as you said Dickons and hopefully be a bit more open with him. The last thing I want is for any of this to affect the baby.
poppylp
. I'm glad I'm not the only one usisarah, I was starting to think I was getting too over-protective already!
Heck, when I was pregnant I hated the thought of other people holding my baby in the hospital! People would talk aout the baby spending the night and I would think "Over my dead body!" lolAnd my dad isn't allowed to watch my kids until they're potty trained. I swear he would let them go all day without changing a diaper!
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A couple of things...
Research on step-parents says that the average time for a child to accept a step-parent as a parental figure is twice the age of when they first met. Secondly, she is only 10 years older than you. Nothing against you, but many kids are embarrassed when a parent dates or marries someone much younger. So you are not her parent, but you can offer your friendship.
Two, This is a huge adjustment for all of you. And she has been used to not having to share her dad. Her jealousy is normal.
Third, no one should have access to someone's bedroom without knocking first. That should be a house rule... for everyone. You should not have access to her room either. This is called common courtesy.
Second the bedroom rule. You have to have your own space and no one, not even your own children, should walk into your bedroom, without knocking and getting permission first.
Same goes for her room.
This has always been a basic rule in our home....we had one family member (mentally ill), who kept trying to break this rule, and 'catch us at it'. So we got a lock on our door.
The private space, might be even more important to you, once you've had the baby.