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We have a 5 1/2 year old girl adopted at birth and are now doing foster to adopt with a 6 1/2 year old girl. Originally we were going to have a 2-4 year old but this little girl and situation seemed like a good fit. She is a loving, smart little girl who is doing great in school. However, At home she does not listen to us and our other daughter is doing the same. They ignore any and all rules about noise, mess, cleaning up, etc. They start at 6 am regardless of how many times we set limits and ask for quiet. She takes out glue and other art supplies without permission constantly, does not clean up with out a fuss, either eats as slow as humanly possible or wolfs down her food. The list goes on, but you get the idea. Basically I am sooo frustrated I spend all my time feeling angry and frustrated. We take away priviledges, tried a star chart, but all that works is my screaming! I hate whomI am becoming. Also, I resent that I dont get to spend more time with my "first" daughter and that I have to always apear equal. It is making me crazy. Sometimes I even hope that the adoption will not work out so we can go back to the way things were. I feel terrible and guilty for feeling this way. Any advice?
How long has she been with you? It has been years now since I adopted my daughter but I remember that the first 6 months were so hard. She was really wild (untamed!), and wouldn't sit at the table or comb her hair or cut her nails (she would tear them off when they got long!).
It was very stressful and sometimes I would yell. Not helpful!
Have you listened to the Love and Logic parenting CDs? Those were life-savers for me. It worked so well that once I went to pick her up at a supervised visit and found her running around the parking lot with the supervisor's shoe, she was so out of control, and all I did was look at my watch and tell her I was timing her and she instantly threw the shoe back to the woman and came over. It made me look like such an awesome in control parent!
One technique that helped alot was practicing a particular skill when we were not actually in the situation. For example, she would drive me nuts when she would not get off my bed, so we had fun practice sessions of her quick getting off my bed.
Also, maybe the book "Rebuilding Children's Lives: A Blueprint for Treatment Foster Parents" published by Boys Town would be helpful, it has chapters about effectively praising anything at all the child can do correctly, "preventative teaching" about explaining how things are supposed to be done (before the time to do them occurs), and even has a chapter about the foster parents staying calm and not yelling (so apparently you are not alone, even the Boys Town treatment parents have a hard time not yelling!).
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Howdy - thanks for the book recommendations. I am not a yeller, but always love a new good read.
Another good program is Beyond Consequences. Written by an AMom who has BTDT. She sells books online but when everything really clicked for me was when I took her online parenting class. [url=http://www.beyondconsequences.com]Heather T. Forbes, LCSW[/url]
Hi, first thanks for your thoughtful replies. Things are much better. I am calmer, less stressed and not yelling all the time. Really the kids havent been acting too badly I think just the stress of having 2 basically the same age, having to always be balanced in my affection and expression etc was making it hard for me. I was able to readjust my expectations, make more 1 on 1 time with my younger daughter to help reassure her and have that time to be super affectionate, and I started a mindfulness anger and stress reduction group. These things combined have gotten me over the hump! I still yell some (working on it) but not nearly as much. Just working on 1 day at a time.