Stay or Go...

Hi Carole, I'm sorry you're going through this. Personally, coming from the adoptee side, I don't consider what you're feeling to be selfish. I obviously cannot speak for your son and what's motivating him, but I wonder if he "connects" more with his b-dad on some level. That wouldn't fully explain (nor excuse) how he has kind of pushed you to the side, but it may explain why there's so much more time spent on that side of his family. Beyond that, there are a lot of questions that came to mind. What's your son's age, since people go through different "phases" at different ages? And I don't want to go into territory that's no business of mine, but is it possible that his b-dad has told him something that has cooled him on contact with you? I don't think there's anything wrong with pulling back. It happens (and currently I'm a poster child for it) and isn't a permanent condition as things wax and wane. But frankly I wouldn't "make the decision that he wants nothing to do with me for him." How about sending him a message in whatever medium(s) work for you (email, phone, mail, FB...) and clearly describe what it is that you want and hope for, how you're perceiving his actions, and that you're open to and hopeful for future contact? No guarantees about the outcome of course, but it takes the onus off of you and puts it squarely on him to indicate what he wants, one way or the other. Food for thought, anyway. Best, PADJ

I am also curious how old your son is. It seems like he has really connected with his birth father, but I can understand how hard it would be as a birth mother to be brushed off all the time, and there is no excuse for making plans and then not showing up. Still, I wouldn't just drop out with no explanation. I think I would try to get across how I'm feeling to my son without putting pressure on him or making him feel guilty. That is not an easy thing to do, but I'd want to find a way to express my feelings and hear him out. I think it is much harder today when other people's relationships can be monitored through facebook and such. Is there a way you can block yourself from seeing what he is doing with his birthfather and his family and still remain on FB if you want to? The other option would be to pull back from FB, but not your son. I don't have FB and to be honest, this is one of the reasons. I wouldn't want to have something like this in my face all the time. It might help, though, to keep in mind that what we "see" online isn't always reflective of the real relationship someone has with another. It's just a snippet of what someone chooses to put up online. We are really not getting the whole picture at all. How long ago did your son meet his birth father? Was it at the same time as he met you? I was thinking that if it was more recent, he may be in a "honeymoon phase" with him and everything is idealized right now. It's so hard, but I would try to take the focus off of the relationship your son has with his birth dad/family, and as hard as it is, the comparisons are not doing you any good, so try to stop doing that, too. I would put my focus on what I could control, and that would be my relatinship with my son, as an independent entity, not in comparison to any other relationship. I know that is not easy, but I would have to stop focusing on what he was saying/doing with others because it really would drive me crazy! It could be your son feels "safer" with his birth dad right now, for whatever reason. I think birthmothers often get the brunt of any difficult feelings/emotions, typically moreso than the fathers do. If you show jealousy towards your son regarding the relationship he has with his birth dad, though, it's not going to make things better for you. I hope in time and with a different perspective, your son will come around again. I know this is not easy, by any means, but I would still keep the door open and do whatever I needed to do to avoid having this rubbed in my face.

Thank you so much for your input...it's so kind that you took the time to read and provide thoughtful responses to my post and I really appreciate the advice. To answer the question, my son is 26 and he met his birth father and his family approximately a year ago, but he has always been in contact with them. I provided my son with his birth father's name and address very early on in this process, although, when I placed my son, I had provided that information and it was placed in his file, so he has known his birth father's name his entire life. My rational brain knows that I shouldn't compare the two relationships and that the relationship he has with his birth father and that side of the equation is much less complicated than the potential relationship that my son and I could have...but the emotional side of my brain stuggles with this and can't help but feel slighted and pushed aside. I am sure, actually know, that his birth father has said some negative things about me, in addition to what my own family has said to my son. It's hard to rise above all of this. There are so many details of the situation and why I placed my son that he doesn't know, doesn't need to know and that I would never tell him...it would solve nothing and possibly drive him further away from me. As you probably know, no matter what my son does or doesn't do, whether it's out of anger towards me or to make me suffer, is nothing compared to the suffering I have put myself through for so long but I don't want to suffer any more. I also question the character of my son, rather than finding out if what is being said or has been said is true, he listens to others, but I have to remember that he shares genetics with another person and do I really want someone in my life like this? Parents who raise their children have difficult relationships under the best of circumstances and even though he is my son, we are strangers. This is something else that I keep reminding myself of. The other matter that I struggle with is what his birth father's wife is doing. As a mother, I can't imagine not encouraging my child, no matter what the circumstance, to do what I believe she is encouraging my son to do to me...(see, selfish, this is all about me). I know that she is providing input because she blocked me on FB and from the very few exchanges that my son and I have had. In her place, I would never, EVER talk or give negative input towards her. I practice what I preach with my daughter and her father. I don't give her my opinions about her father, because it will only make her feel bad, give her bad feelings towards me and she will come to her own conclusions. The advice that you both gave me is so good, that I will be taking a little more time and let him know what I want from this and not just go away...even though every cell in my brain is telling me to do so. I write to him every few weeks, just to let him know that I am thinking of him, sans response, but even though I have spoken to him from my heart, have told him what I want, I will keep doing it. I am going to unfriend him and block him on FB however, because I don't want the relationship with his birth father rubbed in my face and FB is not real. It doesn't matter what you put on FB, FB is not real life, but only what you want people to know.