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Hi Everyone.
I've posted some thoughts and threads on this forum and have read A LOT to try and understand everything that is going on with my own reunion with my birthdad.
March 8 will mark 1 year that I've be on this :woohoo: crazy :woohoo: rollercoaster of a ride. I want it to work, but today I feel like I'm the only one working on making this a positive thing...
Everything started out great with everyone - my bdad, his wife, and his sons. Now, no one is talking to me because I am "the cause of all their family problems"...um, riiiiggghhtttt, ok (my sarcastic self thinks there were problems before I came into the picture, but maybe my being there was a good place to put all the blame...ya think, I think.)...
My bdad cut off contact with me on October 6, sent me one text 5 weeks later and told me we had to work on connecting slowly (which I did - I've done everything he's asked and then some...nothing makes his family happy...!!!), we talked once in November and I haven't heard from him since December 9 (when his son had a cow and 2 kittens because I text his dad).
Christmas, my birthday, and a new year has rolled around and still nothing...
I want to think that things are going to change - my heart wants them to change - but I think my mind is finally realizing that things are not going to change...
Since I do not have children of my own I can only imagine what it is like to be a parent and / or to bring a life into this world. I can not imagine abandoning a child - especially when you've been given a chance to know a daughter you never got to love for the first 40 years of her life (and a pretty nice daughter too if I do say so myself ;)). But, well, time marches on and we all have to live with the choices we make (my mantra always)...
I might not be the fastest learner, but I do learn. 5 months without contact should tell me that he wants nothing more to do with me...my heart is broken - for me, for him, for everyone in this reunion - but, for now, I need to turn the page on this reunion...
Tomorrow is a new day.
Peace and love to all of you that are walking this path. Your posts and thougths have helped to get me through some pretty dark days. Thank you for that.
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sorry to hear about your reunion not going well with birthdad. I have not made contact with birth parents yet but have been seriously considering it since last year. I have fears based on what you have experienced. It sounds like from everything I've read that the reason most of why reunions don't go well seems to have mostly to do with family members of birthparents. We have a lot in common.... I am also a 40 year old female and I don't have children of my own. I think that makes our need to connect with birth parents even stronger. The one thing that has always helped me to move on from difficult situations is to realize that I only have so much control over a situation. If you know you have done everything you can to make the reunion go smooth, that is all you can do. The ball is in your birthdad's court. If you have gained the knowledge of who your birthfamily is and knowing where you came from that is half the battle of coming to terms with being adopted. I know it's painful but you are not alone and this is a good place for support.
Hi Moonbeam,
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. In some ways it sounds like my situation, but that's a topic for a separate thread...coming soon.
It's one of the most frustrating and emotionally draining things to want and need to be able to have some control over something that's completely beyond us. I hope things work out in the best way possible for you.
Please remember to come here to vent and for support as needed!
Best,
PADJ
I've so admired so many things you've posted. This sounds reasonable to me. My interpretation: You're not going to be actively waiting by the phone/computer, etc. any more. Just plain moving on with enjoying life, and not wondering about that aspect. If something happens in the future, be surprised and deal with it then... but not the "waiting waiting".That all sounds so very reasonable to me. Hope integrating this decision into your life goes well for you.
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wanttodoright
I wish for nothing but peace of mind for you in whatever way that comes to you.
alys1, Yes, you are dead-on in my thinking. Not sure if I can let go, but my heart and my soul and the other people in my life that care so much about - and for - me need me to let go...so I'm going to try and just breathe and let go...for now...(giving up control is almost as hard as trying so hard to be in control...!)
PADJ and Copperhead, Thank you for your replies and for your understanding.
Wanttodoright, Thank you for being you!
Today is a new day. Peace.
I wrote this in another one of my posts too, but thought I'd add it to this one too...and the story continues...
Here is a new "twist" to my story: My birthdad's wife sent me a friend request on FB last week. I, of course, ignored it, but it's just so odd. She has made my life a living h*ll for the last year and then all the sudden she "friends" me?? I have (finally!) learned about boundaries, but it still makes me wonder what she is up to...
I'm pretty sure that FB isn't the place to start or mend a relationship that has gone totally South...blah.
moonbeam1,
Like you, I have stepped back from my "reunion" with my bmom because things have not been going well for awhile now. Each time I have tried reaching out to her...she just cannot extend her hand back to me. She's so emotionally shut off but she has no clue that she's that way. She puts out these "expectations" of me and my children (her grandchildren) that are not realistic to meet almost in a sick way of having an excuse to push us away :(
So...after much work on my part (counseling, reading, etc) I start feeling better (healthier) about my feelings related to her. I feel like I am bit by bit healing over time. Then what does she do? She sends me this email "forward" about the women in her life that mean so much to her (she sent it to me and several of her family members and friends) and how each of the women she is sending it to are "there for her" and she is "there for them". Are you kidding me....really? She is soooooo NOT there for me, nor I for her really anymore.
Bizzare....maybe my bmom and your bfather's wife are just mentally unstable because you are right, relationships are not mended in either of those ways!
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Belonging,
It's always nice to find someone that is experiencing something similar (well, nice in the fact that we can relate to each other and that I can know that I'm not totally off my rocker...not nice that we actually have to deal with all of these crazy emotions...sigh...).
I would have never thought that this reunion would consume me the way that it has. But, I guess when I really look at it, it doesn't surprise me at all. I am a person that will dig and dig and dig to understand anything that I don't understand, but that I want to understand (if I don't want to understand it I can drop it like a bad habit and not even think twice about it!). So, yes, this whole process consumes me.
But, on the bright side of things, I can finally function without crying at the drop of the hat (although, I do still have my moments). Therapy has helped me so much and reading the book, "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Verrier has been a game-changer for me. I am healing too...time really does help...when you are in the thick of it people can tell you that and it's hard to hear, but they are right...it does help.
I'm still very sad that something that should be so joyous - New family to love! More people to know! New doors being opened daily! - turned some people so afraid...or what, I do not know...and now I'm left with my heart in pieces and broken beyond belief, but yet I survive and carry on and try and be a better person because of this journey.
I only hope that the others that are struggling with me reaching out to my birthfather (extended family, my birthdad's wife and children, my family) can find the same kind of help and peace. It really doesn't have to be this hard; it really doesn't...we all just want to be loved and understood. I think that is really all anyone wants in this crazy thing called life: to be recognized, to be loved and to be understood.
Peace to all of us.
My heart breaks for all of us who have had our 'other' disengage from reunion. Please know that it really isn't about us. I know that sounds so counterintuitive but it is true. We are all loveable. Because my 'other' is not able to face their pain is no reflection on me. We can get healing from this! We don't have to live in fear of rejection - that we aren't good enough.