My Natural Daughter Wants to be Called by her Birth Name

Wow, I can only imagine how happy you are tonight!

It's her choice and needs to be respected, but I couldn't help wonder, how her adoptive parents are feeling. Glad she felt she could choose.

Sunshiny, Regardless of her reasons, what a gift your daughter has given you! I'm smiling for you! Soprano

I never really gave that a thought. I respect that other people own their own feelings and it really is none of my business. I am not gloating about her choice of name, just excited to see that she is claiming her own identity. As an adopted child identity issues can be confusing. The adoptive parents and natural parents need to respect the adopted persons choices regarding their identity. Worrying about how I feel or how they feel will only stunt her personal growth. If she is doing something that negatively affects how we live our lives then I think I could have an opinion. But her personal choices that relate to who she is such as her name, her hair, her choice of occupation and education preference are hers to decide. We will all have to embrace these choices and support them. If later tells me she wants to go back to the other name i will be just as proud because she is making her choices. I don't want her to think adoption defined her. It affected her, it is hers to work through, but if she has a strong sense of self then that is a good thing.

However isn't she just a teenager and triangulating you and her adoptive parents repeatedly? Are you sure this is an "identity" choice vs an act of rebellion against the people actually parenting her?Of note, I have 3 friends that changed their names in high school ... and all changed them back in adulthood. Be careful ... I think you might be setting yourself up for a fall down the line.

No I don't think it is an act of rebellion. I understand your words were meant to in a way protect me from having my feelings hurt later in life. I do appreciate your caring. I am not afraid, and I realize that she is in control of her reunion with us. I won't gaurd my feelings due to fear of being hurt. Hurt is a very real possibility now and in the future. Self protection and unrealistic expectations can surely cause a fall. I am not prone to either of those. I did have fantasies about adopting her back when she asked me to. But she is still a teenager and those thoughts have left my head. If she still wants that later then we will. But only after she can truly understand what that means to the relationships that she has. And really- I have no idea what the future holds. I actually steer clear of initiating talks about the future. I like to converse about the here and now so we don't miss a minute of it. But she seems different now. More self assured, more confident. That is what strikes me the most. She seems more like the natural children I have raised and less the unsure teenager. Perhaps it is maturity as she grows. She has dealt with finding out her past and her aparents were not as was presented to her. That we her natural parents are not fantasy people- just flesh and blood and prone to mistakes. She is finding her way through this. And if all I see is that she navigates through all of this and is still a person with self respect and an intact self esteem then that is what will make me happiest-even if she chooses to end reunion with us.