Facebook - that's it

Hi, I read your message about trying to meet. I suggest to my members when they find, to meet at a restaurant for a first time. Its neutral ground for everyone. Try suggesting that. vs a home. Maybe once you do share a meal and speak and be in a neutral place, plan to walk around a Garden or zoo. Again, neutral place till you feel that someones home. See if that can help make that first meeting happen. sincerely, Joan of theregistry and nyadoptees.com

greenbottles, not sure how things are still going for you and your daughter now, but I just came across your post. I hope you don't mind a birthfather weighing in on your topic. Many years ago, someone from the adoption agency "accidentally" slipped a piece of paper into one of the letters from the adoptive parents that I received. In the semi-open adoption that I was a part of, the agency acted as the middleman with all correspondence between myself and my daughter and her parents. The piece of paper contained her true last name, but I could never really be sure so I just held on to it and forgot about it for a while. In 2008, I came across that same piece of paper and within about 5 minutes, located my daughter on Facebook. She was easy to find, as she looked so much like her birthmother. Since that time, I have "watched" her graduate from high school, and earlier this month witnessed her graduate from college. The only thing I can see is when her profile picture changes. I'm afraid to contact her through FB. I have sent her MANY letters over the years, but have never once received a response directly from her. The last letter I received from her parents said that she never expressed much interest in learning about her birthparents, and they are saving the letters for her until she asks for them. Not sure how much I believe of that, but what else do I have to go on? I have to conclude that she is not interested at this time. I wish sometimes that I had never received that piece of paper. I feel powerless to not check in on her via FB, and I hate myself at the same time for invading her privacy. I never asked for this information, FB profile pictures are in the public domain, yadda yadda, but it is invasive and it is spying... It's also a reminder of everything she does not want me to be a part of in her life. I have replaced the shame of giving her up for adoption with the shame of ignoring her privacy. I wish I was strong enough to just let it go, and stop paying attention to her on FB.

Sadly nothing has changed. I no longer look at her Facebook. I'm moving forward with my life knowing she's never going to be in it. It does make me sad but at least I have certainty.

It sounds to me like she's never read any of your letters. Her parents have been the gatekeepers. (Just because an adoptee doesn't say anything about it, doesn't mean that we aren't actually interested in knowing about our parentage and roots.) Many adoptees feel uncomfortable talking with their parents about their b-families because we can tell that it makes our parents uncomfortable. I don't know if your daughter has any interest in knowing you or not. But, she's an adult now. You don't need her parents' permission to contact her.

[QUOTE=BirthDad1991] Since that time, I have "watched" her graduate from high school, and earlier this month witnessed her graduate from college. The only thing I can see is when her profile picture changes. I'm afraid to contact her through FB. I have sent her MANY letters over the years, but have never once received a response directly from her. The last letter I received from her parents said that she never expressed much interest in learning about her birthparents, and they are saving the letters for her until she asks for them. Not sure how much I believe of that, but what else do I have to go on? I have to conclude that she is not interested at this time. BirthDad1991 My heart goes out to you but I need to say that you are beating yourself up unnecessarily about this. It is totally fine to look at her profile page. The way I see it is you do have a few choices though - you can continue to check her Facebook until she gets a bit older and perhaps leaves the adoptive family home for good, or take the direct approach now and write her an email message through her Facebook page - bearing in mind it is not guaranteed she will read the email this way as it may not be linked up with their regular email so she may miss it. She is an adult now so forget the adoptive parents they have had their chance to give her your letters - they have been obstructive in my opinion. My birth daughter is 33 and we have been in reunion for over 2 years - met over 12 months ago and she has just moved interstate and now suddenly posts things for public display on her Facebook page when previously all her stuff was friends only. I am not a friend so I cant help thinking it is a way for her to show me what she is doing while not really "letting me in" by sending me a friend request. IҒm not quite sure if this is a well meaning gesture or not but Im aware of the psychology of it and try not to take it personally. I mention this because she is much older than your daughter yet emotionally reunion brings things up emotionally at any age. You are assuming your daughter does not want contact but she hasnҒt said so directly. As birth parents I think this is something we all do. We feel guilty and expect rejection. You have written her many letters which is very commendable, there are many adoptees out there who would love their birth father to be so open and interested. I hope you kept copies? Im sure she would love to read them when the time is right. I have come around to thinking that birth parents can be a positive influence and support in our childrenҒs lives. We are the bio-logical link. My suggestion is - be up front and let her know you are interested and would like to be in her life, take the step and contact her directly and find out where you stand. Good luck.. remember she is lucky to have you actually she wouldn֒t even be here without you.

Thank you both to L4R and ULTREA - the common theme being that I need to identify w/ my daughter as an adult and not under the eternal wing of her parents.I have really needed some feedback in my corner this Spring, and I really appreciate it. I think 25 sounds like a good year to make contact, if I have not heard from her beforehand. It makes sense for her to wait until she is established. I have a cousin that was adopted, took a long time to get through veternary school, and wanted to be well established before she made contact with her BM.

I found my bson through this site when he was 32. Our reunion has gone very well but D commented early on that had it occurred when he was 18 or even 25, it would not have been as positive. I think what's important is being ready for the "right" time. The question always is "When does no mean never and when does no really mean not now?"

You're very welcome BirthDad1991 - you have lots of time to do your research on the Triad situation. I wish I had done some before meeting my daughter, things may have gone differently. There are triggers I should have been aware of and even though my daughter seemed to not have any issues towards me, they were hidden. Being a Birth Dad though you are in a much better position I think. I found that Birth Mum takes the brunt of the "blame" and resentment. Fair enough too I guess. We all hve to be responsible for our own choices in life and move on. Take good care and give yourself a break from Facebook for awhile :)

As an adult adoptee, I guess I am kind of surprised that a birth parent would ever expect to be a part of their bio child's life? This seems awfully presumptuous to me. I'm not trying to be mean, but once a child is adopted, is that child not part of another family? I would leave it alone and let the child you gave up have what you wanted- a full and complete life.

Beth0810, I hear you, and as an adult birth parent, I think it's great that we have the freedom to share different viewpoints.This child, my child, is an integral part of her family. I do not choose to identify her family with labels adoptive or otherwise. They are her family, and the only family she has ever known.I understand that it might seem surprising to you that I have feelings for a child that I knowingly and legally chose to relinquish all ties to. When the scenario is spelled out in those terms, your point is well taken. In actuality, the choices I made were made not even one year after high school, and the repercussions of those choices have resonated very strongly with me for well over 22 years. I take full responsibility for my actions because I must, but no day goes by that I don't think about my daughter and hope for the day that she will be as curious of me as I am of her.I don't think it is presumptuous to receive an acknowledgement from her that "I'm okay. I'm happy. You made the right choice." While that would never scratch the surface of all that I would want, I think that is something that concerned birth parents need to hear in order to truly make peace. I hate to generalize, but I know that when I try to boil all of the raw emotions down into something very, very basic, some acknowledgement directly from her (no intermediaries) to me would really help close the loop. I guess if that still makes no sense to you, then I suppose we must respectfully choose to agree to disagree with one another.I do think that the choice for direct contact resides with my daughter, and I will respect her decision to choose. That much we do agree on. :-)

An interesting insight but a huge generalisation. Some adoptees seek out their birth parents and DO want them in their life - they may have lost the parents who raised them for instance. As a birth mother and from what I have read on the forum from other birth parents "hoping to be a part of their child's life after reunion" is more the norm. The "would ever expect" comment sounds a bit resentful to me. Why would an adoptee who has come to terms with being adopted and has had a happy upbringing not welcome a birth parent being interested in their life after they are grown to adulthood? Depending on the circumstances of their relinquishment of course.

i am adopted and i have been pretty much snubbed by my biological mother. apparently she doesnt have time for myself and my children only for her other seemingly perfect kids and grandkids. it really hurts i dont understand as i have placed a child who is now 5 and always want pix and letters and would never hurt her like that. she was my baby and always will be.

I'm on the other side of this. I have a fb page set up for my adopted daughter. Here only fb friend at this time is her birthparents. I try to post updates at least once or twice a month. But they never respond. Not even a like on a picture. But I know from the agency that she brings it up and likes getting those.She's just not comfortable with interacting. So I keep posting into the fb void believing that she does go out and look when she wants to even though I have no way to know that she is. Maybe someday, she'll be more ready to interact. I know there's alot of chaos in her life still. To the OP- I know how it feels to want to interact but not have response. I hope with time, your daughter gets to a point where there can be more interaction.

First, don't assume she sees her raised children and grandkids are perfect (even though she may even say so). Second of all, there are as many ways of dealing with the heartache of adoption as there are people involved. While I am like you and can't imagine not wanting any interaction possible with my bson and his family, I recognize that not everyone responds that way. Try to keep the door open and send her updates when you want to... Someday she may be able to open her life to you.

Another perspective could be that it sounds to me like your birth mother could be feeling defensive for some reason regarding her family? I warmly and openly welcomed my birth daughter when we first made contact but over time she seemed to have been judging me and making narky comments, became dismissive of my attempts to keep in touch, yet I was the worst in the world and should not have any expectations of having my emails answered in a resonable amount of time etc. My birth daughter told me in no uncertain terms that HER amother was her mother not me for example - so if I wanted to hold her in my heart as my baby I wasn't allowed to show it. A birth mother feels at a disadvantage for a start because of guilt and instead of understanding is often subjected to judgment from others. It is difficult to know what goes on in people's minds but I try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes for a balanced perspective. Sometimes it helps me not to take things too personally. It is the other person's issues coming through really a lot of the time and I do have a choice on how I respond to that.