Post reunion....21 years on

I'm an adoptee, but I totally understand. You haven't spent every day with your daughter. You didn't see all the milestones etc... You didn't share a common history until 21 years ago. You did those things with your other daughters. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

I'm another adoptee and txrnr took the words right out of my keyboard. I think sometimes in reunions the temptation is to think that reconnecting with our birth family is supposed to mean that we are equal in all ways with other birth family members. Unfortunately that isn't always the case. It's something that I've considered over the past 2+ years since I found my birth family. Even if they all suddenly welcomed me with open arms, and invited me to every family function and so on, I will never be equal with them because they share a family history that I do not. I won't understand the little family jokes, references and what not because I wasn't there. That doesn't mean that I can't begin building something for the future with my birth family, but it's just different. We can never recapture the past but we can build for the future. You aren't a shallow person for feeling this way, but I'm not sure it's a matter of how deeply you can love your reunited daughter. Maybe a better way to look at it is to acknowledge that because of history, you love her differently. Not more or less, better or worse...just differently. The flip side of this is that the two of you share a unique kind of connection that your other daughters can't have. I would say to try to let go of the past and build for the future. Best, PADJ

Thankyou so much, txrnr and PADJ...your opinions have been very helpful, given that they are objective views of my problem, and from the perspective of an adoptee. I have been feeling so guilty and confused, but I will take on board your wise words, and try to enjoy the special relationship we have....

I am a birth mom, and have been reunited with my son for 7 years, and although we have much in common, we both feel robbed of a past we will not be able to get back. In saying that, we like the others have said, have come to realize that we are building a new relationship on memories we are making together, and as the gap closes on the years apart. We know that the most important time is the time we share together, not the time we lost. I too have three other children i raised, and love each my children just as much as the other, including my son, as i have never let him go in my heart. We have talked about the little things he feels unknown about, but i think where the gap is with me, he regains it with his siblings, as they too are making new memories as time goes on........I think it is pretty normal to feel the difference of the the care, just don't put to much time into it! The bottom line is you love your children!..Cheers!

Thanks, LisaSue...I'll take that on board

Can I please reply as an adopted child. My birth mother was great at first but our relationship deteriorated slowly until she told me exactly what you feel. I think that a relationship with an adopted child should not be compared. I think it is ok that you feel that way but please don't share it with her. She may even understand this already. It's ok, you cannot replace all those years. My birth mother and I dont have contact any more but I think that if the expectations were more realistic we would.

I am an adoptee in reunion almost 2 years. I'm with Melva on this - intellectually I understand what you are saying but it is hard to hear emotionally, particuarly as we had no say in what went before. I wouldnt say it - I'm sure she knows somewhere deep down but does she need to hear it? So long as you love her, surely anything else is better left unsaid?

Thankyou for your insight, Annom and Melva....I would never burden my daughter with my feelings, as I know it would devastate her. And the response I've received from everyone has put things into perspective for me. I even have different levels of love for my other two daughters, but, as you said....the important thing is I love them all. Again, thankyou.

I just reconnected with my son after 41 years. The love I have for him is so much more than I thought possible. We are such a bond as if we were never separated. My husband and son has accepted fully into our family. So now I can say I have 2 sons instead of hiding 1.