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We adopted DS at birth from another state via open adoption. Our son's birthmother has never been good about maintaining contact with us. It has been sporadic at best, but with her issues not surprising. Every year or so I try to track her down to see if she wants pictures or updates, or just talk. I tried this fall, but for the first time couldn't find her. DS is 4 now. This happened once before and it turned out she was in rehab somewhere and did contact me when she got out. It has been several months since I tried to contact her with no reply so I decided to try again. This time though, when I was looking for her, a death record popped up on the social security death index. Not alot of information to go on, just name date of death and state. I can't find an obituary, or any kind of news story (she is only 37). I called the coroner's office in the most likely place of death but they have no record. She has no living relatives that I am aware of (other than minor children).
Could this be some kind of cruel mistake? She has a very distinctive name, and the dob matches. I am really upset and feeling pretty guilty for losing contact for so long (even though she did not leave me much of a choice). What if there is no obituary because there was no one to submit one to the paper? What if no one has claimed her body? I don't know what to do to find out if she has been laid to rest somewhere...
I feel like I should do something, for DS (and her other 2 children) for when he is grown but I don't know what. I already put the photos from the time we spent together and the stuffed animal she gave him up so they don't get lost or ruined. If she is actually passed I want to make sure we know where she has been laid so he can go there one day...
If she is still alive I want to find her and talk to her, let her know he is ok and we still think of her. If she is not, I want to know how she died and where.
I am just sad...and wanting answers. If I feel this way, I can only imagine how DS will feel when he is old enough to understand.
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Did you try contacting the police agency where she lives/lived? I work for a police agency and anytime we have a death of someone young that needs to go to the coroner, usually a police report is generated. Might be worth a shot. Or maybe try calling neighboring coroner's offices?
I hope you can find some answers to help provide closure. ((hugs))
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Well, I have my answers. She did pass away. Not the news I was hoping for. She was cremated and released to a friend. Dh says to drop it, he thinks we have all the answers DS may want one day. I was thinking I should get a copy of the police report to put in his box of paperwork, but DH feels that is morbid and we should leave well enough alone.
Sorry to hear of your son's loss. But I'm glad you were able to track that fact down, and not have to wonder about it.
If it were me, I'd get a copy of the police report and file it with your son's paperwork. You may have the information your son would ask about, true, but outside documentation is always good. You may forget something, for instance. Or heaven forbid, you may pass away. You keep paper copies of important information that you "know" on purpose, and this piece of important information isn't any different.
In my opinion, of course.
I don't feel that it is morbid to have a copy of the police report. You can't predict what your DS will or will not want, so it makes sense to get whatever you can before it's too late, then your DS can make his mind up when he is older whether he wants to keep it or not. If it was me, I'd try to get a copy. Do you know how she died, because that might be something your DS would want to know? I do understand why your DH is opposed, but I think it's better to have the information
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I know it's been a while since this was first posted, but I
wanted to chime in...
My son's birth father passed away in his early 20's in a pretty horrific accident. It was a big news story. I printed out newspaper articles and pictures, even the very gruesome ones, so that my son would have all the possible information should he ever want it. Right now I have access to this stuff, and I might not 10 or 20 years down the line. If he doesn't want to know, or at any time I think the information is too much for him, then I won't share it at that time. But if he DOES want to know, and it's age-appropriate, then I feel like he has the right to as much information as possible. He'll never be in reunion with his birth-dad, so I have to provide the "reunion" for him, to the extent possible.
Just my two cents....
I am also just seeing this thread so wanted to reply...I am so very sorry. I know 1st hand how heartbreaking it is to know our children will never be able to know their bmom's. My son's bmom died in a car accident when she was only 22 yrs old. He was only 2....he is 4 now. He was placed with us when he was 5 days old.I got a copy of the police report and I also have a copy of her death certificate for him to have when he is older. I don't feel like it's morbid. I honestly believe ds will want these things when he is older. IF I'm wrong, then he can dispose of them if he chooses to do that. I am still struggling with ways to talk about her. I want to keep her memory alive within him, but it's so hard because he has no actual memories of her. She only seen him a couple of times after he was born, which was by her choice.Our situation is a bit different because ds's bmom was also my husbands cousin. Anyway, I shared all of that because I want you to know that I am here if you ever need to talk to someone who truly understands.
I, too, just saw this. My son's bmom died on her 22nd birthday of a drug OD. That was one year ago when my son was 7 months old. I kept copies of her obit and I've kept a journal of all the contact we had and how I felt about her death. I have put all of this into a folder with his paperwork but sealed. If he wants to know about her death later, he has it. But it's not something he will "run across."
I have to say that I was angry. Hurt. Sad. All of this for my son. It does get better!
So sorry for your loss and for your child's loss.
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