If you gave birth,.. why would you want no contact now?

There are many possible reasons why a birth mother would not want contact. Many women don't want contact because they have not told their spouses, other children, extended family or friends. This isn't about YOU. It's about THEM and their fear of the reactions to the news or how they will be perceived by others about the news. You also have to consider the birth mother overall. If she was a person of loose morals, low integrity, and a particpant in many failed relationships, it isn't about YOU. It's about HER. She may be passive and a runner from anything, not just you. I think you would get more tailored answers from posters if you explained your situation and what happened. You may get some input that will help you in your situation. :)

The reasons can be as varied and complicated. Some natural mothers may relive the pain and grief that was associated with relinquishing their child. Some may fear that the adopted child will search them out only to retrieve data and leave them abandoned as they may have felt after the adoption. They may also fear that the adopted person will be angry and judgemental. Many times natural parents who have relinquished may have faced critisism, broken relationships, and be stereotyped as people with lose morals, drug problems or perceived as heartless people who gave up their flesh and blood when nothing could be further then the truth. To hear these things years later when still facing grief may be too much to emotionally bear. Also I think time may be a factor. As we grow older we include other people in our lives. New friends, new family members and in laws. To have lived your life as a warm loving family member and face harsh judgements that may only result in abandonment may also be too painful. Imagine a woman grown older, a grandmother perhaps with son and daughter in laws. She has lived her life after adoption and made the best of it. How hard may it be to tell everyone now that she relinquished a child? Will they still see her as the warm, loving grandmother or MIL or will she now be suspect as a woman they did not know at all? Will she risk this after she reads again and again that some adopted children only want information and do not want anything more then that? How will this affect her relationships with these people who she cherishes? Will she feel she has to choose the love of these people for her adopted child who may not love her at all, or worse yet, tell her that it was a blessing not to have raised by her? Grief also bonds people. Some families bond so strongly during grief that they become very protective of each other. There may be fears that her children, or her spouse may be hurt by this contact unless she knows the intent of the adopted person. She needs to consider what they will feel, and what the adopted person may expect of them. Some natural mothers find that they have changed after adoption. They hold deep grief, deep issues of abandonment and may not have moved on. They may feel they are not good enough and did not amount to anything of significance. They already know the aparents had resources greater then they did. Do they want to feel unworthy again with feelings that may linger many years after contact? Some families become divided after adoption. The adopted person may seek out relatives that the natural mother has cut ties with. She may find that she is again dealing with the pain of those lost relationships. These are just some reasons. I am sure there are more.

I know both sides of the adoption world. As a tiny baby I was given up for adoption, to wonderful people. Fast forward many years, as an adult, I found both sides of birth families, and met everyone, B-mom/dad (not married), and their children. (I was lucky in my search because I discovered b-parents names, so that was a great help).Was able to get family histories, ( was able to go back on Ancestry.com many generations, which was thrilling), and medical histories. Glad I found them, but it had it's uncomfortable moments. It let me know, to a certain degree, who I was, and I could see a lot of thoughts and actions were just like them. Also could see that I looked like b-dad. At last, looked like someone. Both b-parents are deceased now, and I still keep in touch with b-siblings on Facebook, which is nice. Now, as far as the child I gave up.. I have mourned giving her up as long as I can remember. I was only 17, and very much in love with the baby's dad. (Parents couldn't stand him). When I told my parents of the situation, they wanted me to have an abortion. They terrified me saying that. I wanted to marry the b-dad, but they shipped me off to a home for unwed mothers. The b-dad, at his young age, wasn't quite as in love as I was, and had moved on to another flower. He did come to see the newborn baby in the hospital. That was basically the last tine I saw him. The reason I would like contact now is because I have never forgotten this child. Have always wondered if I did the right thing giving her up ( NOW, at this time in my life, I know I did do the right thing), but back then I wondered. Is she healthy, happy? I would like to know all about her life, and what she was like in school, is she married,does she have children? I would like to explain what happened. ( That is the first thing I asked my birth mom) . I would like photos & updates on any family etc. Don't really expect to be in her life, but would like to correspond in some way... email, Facebook. We'll just have to see what happens..

These are great answers. In my case, my birthmother told me that if I'd tried to contact her a few years earlier, she might have declined. Her husband was still alive and he had no idea, neither did her son. Suddenly popping up would have placed her in a very awkward situation, one that she probably would have been ready to deal with very well. And I can understand this, as I might have felt likewise had the situation been reversed, especially when I was younger and not as capable of dealing with the complexities involved.

You might want to take a look at Why Won't My Mother Meet Me? by Carole J. Anderson, one of the early members of Concerned United Birthparents (CUB). Carole was an amazing woman who went on to make a name for herself in the social welfare field. She published numerous adoption-related studies in various peer-reviewed journals for social workers over the years. I believe this particular article was first published in 1982, but it still very much relevant in today's world of search and reunion. The Post Adoption Center for Education and Research (PACER) has a copy of Carole's article at their website. The URL to the article is [url=http://pacer-adoption.org/education_editorials/birthmother_wont_edu.htm]Why Won't My Birthmother Meet Me?[/url]

Ditto RavenSong's suggestion. I was terrified of reunion but I am glad I got to know my son post reunion. My heart goes out to any adoptee who has to deal with rejection

I’ll probably never understand why someone would have a baby, give the baby up “for a better life,” then never want to make any contact at all. I would be curious how my biological baby was if nothing else. Not that contact wouldn’t be hard for all involved, but not as hard as avoiding contact.

In my 20s I was raped by my neighbor. I knew him, and trusted my judgment. How wrong could I be??I gave birth to a baby boy. I knew I could not give him the live he deserved or the family he deserved. My choice was so difficult. I spent great care picking my sons future parents (closed adoption) reading what little details I was given. My choice was one of the hardest decisions I ever made and out of the respect for his new family I promised that I would not interfere. This is how come I never looked. The pain, the fear, the respect .... Recently my son found me. It was his choice. I am building our relationship 1 step at a time. I have briefly met his parents and have a planned trip to spend time with his mom. I am so grateful for her helping me and my son when I could not and I want her to know how much I love her for taking such great care in raising him. Where are I mentally with this? It is a rollercoaster of emotions. It has been. Few months now and I am now dealing with guilt. So to your question why. It is best not to judge. There are a million reasons... we each make a choice and live with the consequences. My road I travel is very painful at time and very joyful as well. One step, one day at a time. Adoption affect so many. Search and find and may you be blessed.

Years ago, when I first found adoption.com, there were more birth mothers who posted on this site. Quite a few worried their children would feel they weren't good enough. They anguished over the women thy had become and what they went through. I placed my son in the early 70's when there was still a lot of shaming from society when you had an "illegitimate" child. Sometimes it depends on how much we internalized that sense of shame. I personally always wanted to be found but wasn't sure he would want me to find him. I hoped he would look for me. I finally found him right before he turned 33, through adoption.com. He had registered sometime before so I knew he was looking. His information was out of date, but I had a name and found him easily with it. Our reunion has been a good one, but even so it was quite a roller coaster, especially at first. I discovered emotions and thoughts I believed I had dealt with years before came crashing to the surface and I had to deal with them in a new way. Even in reunion, I mourn the time I did not have with him.As the others have said, there are any number of reasons. Each of us can only truly speak for ourselves and our own situation.Blessings, Kathy