Found birth mother - need advise on first contact - phone?write?

you should just call. You need to confirm she is the right person. Ask her if she is able to speak freely then tell her who you are. Talk about you children ect. Make it about you first. Keep it in the present. You may never get another chance to speak to her.

Thank you little wanderer, I've pretty much made up my mind to call first, the follow with a letter if I get stonewalled/rejected which I actually do expect but know I'll still be crushed when it happens and shocked if it doesn't. I'll be sure to post after I do it. I'm writing down a very short list of things to remember to say so I don't forget the important things and will try to hold back on overwhelming her and see how that goes. Wish me luck!

I don't know if you have already made your contact, but I called...and was so glad I did. I confirmed who I was and then we started talking. I could hear the emotion in her voice, ask questions and get answers, etc. I thought about writing as well, but worried about who she had told about me, etc. I had no information at all. Good luck to you!

Hi, I called her a few weeks ago and she denied ever living in the province I was born, we spoke for under a minute. I didn't want to push at this time, she is 74 and the first purpose was to make sure I had the right phone number and therefore address. I was devasted none the less and it took me a few days to stop dwelling on it. I'll redo my research for the third time but from the beginning,just to be sure. Then, if she's who I'm 99% sure she is, I'll be writing a letter in the next few weeks and sending it off to her. Then the ball will be in her court and I'll know I've done what I can for now and be patient for a little while, I've heard suggestions of six months before trying again, I'll see. I don't plan on flying 5 hours/3,000km to get a door shut in my face either, my self preservation gene is kicking and screaming at the suggestion. Thanks for the support, there aren't a whole lot of people that understand. I'm very lucky, I have a younger sister who was also adopted (we're not birth related) and she's now starting down the same path. She and her birth mother exchanged letters once but both chickened out of a phone call about 10 years ago, she's regretted it ever since and now feels ready to take on the search. Good luck to all of us out there.

Unfortunately, she might be of a generation that keeps their cards close to their chest. At 74 she's from a different generation that might not be so open as we are. I am sending the best of energy and love out to you and hope that you find what you are looking for. Best of luck to you- please keep us posted.

I would call her, I found 5 siblings and brought them to my our mother she was surprised and thrilled AFTER the cat was out of the bag, two we knew about we were told one died at birth , she didnt, two brothers were total secrets , my mother didnt tell us about the boys I found out about one through one of my siblings I found other through a post on geneology.com that had been there 9 years when one of my siblings found it. She may deny having a child or she may be thrilled. Just perpare either way. Her reaction has nothing to do with you dont take it personally it has to do with her covering up giving up her child in a time when it was taboo to have sex outside marriage among others things and she probably never told anyone. But dont wait it would be a shame for her to die and never get a chance to even speak on the phone good or bad at least you tried. If you have a sibling that knows have her there to run interfence

Rejection is a very real possibility that we all have to face. She may have painful recollections of your father that she has suppressed for all the years or like my mother, a family that would have cast her out had they known. You could be the result of an incestuous relationship or even rape. I know it is a terrible disappointment but it is her call. Acceptance would be very nice but remember that we are not owed anything. I met my mother, she turned out to be a very bitter individual angry at my father and her family. I loved her to a point, after all, she was my mother, but I can't say I liked her. My point is you made the effort, now you have to be prepared to live with what you found. All the best.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your good wishes and encouragement to contact my birth morther. I did so a month ago and was rejected but as we all know, that first 'no' if often knee jerk gut wrenching for everyone. I've written a letter to her and will send it after Mothers day with the hope that in time she'll write back. It took me a few weeks to get over the phone call but all is well and I think of it as a journey, might as well enjoy the way there! Good luck everyone. Kate

I would call her.... worse thing that could happen would be that she hangs up on you but as someone who found her mother also, I bet your mother will be happy to hear from you. Our mothers wonder about us all the time... I think you should call.

Hi Gabby: I did call her already two months ago (late March) and was denied, she said she'd never lived in the town I was born in etc. I'm going to write next week and see how she responds, if she does. With her being 74 and raised very traditionally French roman catholic and not having told anyone but one sister, I'm being careful of the repurcussions for her if I force it. I don't feel the need to disrupt her life, she's been married for almost 48 years. I oddly enough feel very protective of her. Thanks for the encouragement and advise.