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How do you decide how much access/contact to have in your open adoption? What is in the best for the child?
We received a pre-adoptive placement 3 weeks ago. We were told the case was heading towards TPR but we didnt know the specific plan. Went to court for the first time on Monday and mom surrendered her rights (she was told she could either surrender her rights or go to trial but that she would likely not win at trial). Before the surrender, we were asked by the judge to discuss with mom and her attorney what kind of access we would agree to. My husband and I were really put on the spot. We hadnҒt really discussed this much as we thought we would have weeks/months to figure this outdidnגt expect the case to move towards adoption so quickly. At everyones (attorney, agency staff) suggestion, we indicated ґofficially that contact would be at our discretion, although we communicated to mom that we would send pictures/updates and be open to some visits (but didnҒt specify frequency).
Here is the problem. I gave mom my cell (she asked) when we first met her at the start of the placement. She was calling every few days to check in on the babyalways appreciative, appropriate, keeps it short. At the hearing, mom became very distraught and we ended up comforting her, taking her home after court. We were emotional tooחit was very bittersweet. She seems like a nice women in bad circumstances and obviously loves her baby (although the baby has never been with momonly visits). But, mom canגt take care of the baby and she has some not so good things in her past, which is how the child came into care in the first place. Mom likes us which is good, and we like her (as much as we know her). Since court, mom has made comments to me about us being part of her family now and is now calling me daily to check in. I made sure at the hearing that her attorney explained to her that visits would not occur as often as now (weekly) but again was discouraged from specifying how often (and frankly, I dont know how often I want them). But I am concerned that mom might be expecting too much from the situation.
Also, we are really struggling to figure out what we want--how open we should be with our open adoption. How do you decide this? As of right now, I know that I donҒt want her to know our last name or where we live. But how often should we offer visits? Should we even specify at this point or just see how things evolve? What is best for the child as she grows up? Once a year? 2-4 times a year? Monthly seems a bit much.
And also, how to we transition to less contact with mom? I feel bad for her and I dont want her to feel deceived at all. Since it is at our discretion, I have the feeling we are going to seem like the bad guys when we say she canҒt visit weekly or monthly. Im glad we have a good relationship with mom so far but it is really hard to know how to handle this and our cw hasnҒt been much help in advising us.
Any advice?
Thanks so much!
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I would sit down and write what the minimum is you are willing to agree too ( we came up with an agreement that specified once every two months the first 3 years, and once ever 3 months from years 3-10) with a monthly email containing photos and bi-weekly phone calls. In our situation mom is an addicted person, and we had to specify who could attend visits with her, what each person would be called, and what appropriate conversation topics would NOT be (our parenting POV, discipline, religion, recreational drug use etc).In reality our relationship is a lot more flexible than our agreement. She chooses not to do in person visits anymore, and I regularly add pictures (weekly pretty much) to a facebook account I have set up to communicate with her. She never calls, but does text me fairly regularly. As time goes on, flexibility might be possible as you develop a relationship, and she grieves and adjusts to this reality of losing her child permanently, and you adjust to the reality of adopting a child permanently. :) Take things slowly, cautiously but also with a ton of mutual respect and support. Regarding phone calls, one friend of mine always makes sure she connects on the "15th" of every month as that is the birth-day of their child -- she has it on the calendar and makes sure that a phone call gets made. If you tell mom that you will call to update her every Thursday for the first 6 months, and send pictures by email every 2 or 3 weeks, and have a visit every two months KNOWING what to expect might help her be less fearful that you will pull contact completely, and enable her to be somewhat less clingy. :)
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I am in WA and here CPS will automatically offer letter/picture twice a year and 1 visit a year. Anything above and beyond that is up to the adoptive parents. And it is also up to the adoptive parent to stop all contact if it is not in the best interest of the child. This is all written out in a contract called an Open Communication Agreement. With our most recent adoption, he was placed at 3days and finalized 2years and 16days later, the above agreement is what we have. But I took it a step further and opened a separate fb page for bio-family only. If any of the biofam has negative things to say or choose not to follow my rules on the page then they are booted. I feel that fb is a great way to share pictures and updates.
Agree to the minimum and adjust as the relationship unfolds.
We said visits would occur as mutually agreed, but we are being called to the carpet because she wants a specific monthly schedule...which we did not agree to.
Be very careful with what you say or imply. It can get very complicated.