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It has been well documented and discussed here that adoptees may tend to have deeper feelings of abandonment, self esteem issues and so on than other segments of the population. My question is whether birth siblings who stay with the birth family when a brother or sister is adopted out can also be affected? This post is also over on the Adoptee Support section of the boards for a different take.
For those who care to keep track of such things I have spent almost the last 3 years trying to work through reunion with my b-family. About two weeks ago I received a phone call from a previously unknown branch of my a-famly tree. It seems that my cousin's father was my a-dad's brother (there will be a quiz later... :prop: ).
Among the things she told me was that my a-dad was about 2 years older than her dad and he was adopted out of the family at age 3 for yet uknown reasons. That would have made my a-dad about 5 when for some reason his brother "went away."
My a-dad was a wonderful man and I miss him dearly. But at times he could be such a milk toast and tended to avoid confrontation at almost any cost. The call from my cousin shed new light on some aspects of my a-dad, hence my question.
I never heard anyone mention my cousin's dad's name while growing up. This is a completely new thing to me. My cousin told me that there were rumors that at some point her dad contacted my a-dad and that didn't go well at all. Depending on what my a-dad had been told I can see why it may not have. Would be interested to hear the thoughts of others on the question.
Guess I now know what it's like to not only place the call as the searching adoptee but to receive one as well!
Best,
PADJ
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Well, in my case, yes I was affected. But I do not know if it was because of the adoption or because of other dysfunction in my family. I was young when my mother relinquished my sister, but old enough to know that my mother was having a baby and had to give her up. Yes, I have issues with self-esteem and abandonment. I have trouble forming attachments, but once I have formed an attachment, I have trouble letting go. I have trust issues. Is it because of the adoption? Or how my mother handled the adoption? Or things entirely unrelated? I don't know.My mother relinquished during the early '70's -- she gave up the baby in a closed adoption and was told to forget about her - that the baby had new better parents, etc -- all the cliches. Growing up, I was told that I couldn't tell anyone about the adoption either -- so keeping secrets became second nature -- and every time someone would ask "Do you have any siblings", I had to lie and say "No" -- so lying becomes a part of life. How do you trust others when you know so much of what you tell others is a lie? And when teachers/friends,etc tell you "You should always tell the truth", but yet your parent says "You can't tell the truth about this and that", how do you learn when to tell the truth and when to lie? Perhaps since adoptions are more open now, this isn't an issue, but .... I don't know...I tried for many years to be the 'good girl' and to fill the void. I don't remember being afraid of my mother giving me up -- she often talked to me about the adoption and made a big deal about being forced to relinquish her child -- but I was terrified about being taken away if 'they' thought she wasn't a good parent. Back to the secrets and lies -- and the fear of getting too close to anyone who wasn't in on the secrets. There is also the frustration that comes from not being able to 'fill the void' for your parent. As an adult, I know that there was no way that I can or could, but as a child, I tried desperately to find some way to make up for what she lost. In my case, I can't count the number of times I heard "Oh, things would be just perfect if only your sister were here to share it". The implied statement : No matter what I did, it wouldn't be enough to make us a happy family -- hence the self-esteem issues.I do have trouble with confrontation -- Most of the time, I will back down rather than fight. But since I've had my own child, I've found my inner tiger - and if I have any inkling that what someone is doing will affect my child, I will fight to the death. Anyway.. For what it's worth....
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