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A friend of mine who also adopted through fostercare made a comment on my daughters picture I posted on facebook stating "Wow! She looks just like you".
We are in an open adoption with her birthfamily and I know they will see the picture and the comment.
My first response was "everyone always says that" but just as soon as I posted that I realized her birthfamily would see the comment as well as my response and might be hurt by either comment.
Afterwards, I sat for over a half hour trying to find the words for a response that would also recognize my daughter's birthmom (since while my daughter may look a little like me, she looks like a carbon copy of her birthmom). I argued with myself over and over, trying to figure out what to say and finally decided to write "we are very proud of her for the beautiful young woman she is, not only on the outside but on the inside as well. She has been such a blessing in our life."
It's not recognizing her connection to her birthmother, but it is recognizing our daughter for the beauty she posseses that is her (own) and the thankfulness we feel having her in our family.
Is this ok? Should I have just accepted the compliment and moved on or should I have said something differently.
(I use to take any comments people would say to me about how my daughter looked just like me and always correct them and tell them she looks just like her birthmom. I always felt guilty and like I was denying her birthmother and her adoption, if I just accepted the compliment).I finally over the years have allowed myself to just accept the compliments and the connection I do have to her, even in appearance and just embrace them without feeling guilty over it.
But this is the first time someone has made the comment in a way my dd's birthfamily can see/hear it, as well as my responce. I worry the comment itself might be like a kick in the gut to her birthmom and then my response as well of "everyone always says that" might hurt even more since I'm not awcknowledging her part in my dd's beauty. Then again, if I bring her up in conversation will she take it as a compliment or will she be even more upset with it?
I'm not sure what to do? Should I just erase all the comments so it becomes a non issue or should I just keep what I already have?
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I might think this was an opportunity to get it all out in the open, in writing, where the biofamily could read my thoughts. I like looking at "situations" as "opportunities". :-)If I saved it, I would also say directly on FB something like you told us here. Put it out there for all to see, "Yes, she does look like me, which is unexpected and amazing, and people comment on it all the time. However, she looks like a carbon copy of her biological mom! All credit for our daughter's looks go to her. That's what I tell everyone who mentioned this. My daughter's biological mom is also my friend on FB, and so she'll read all of this, as will several of her relatives. I hope it's something of a comfort to them to know how I answer everyone who mentions this."Hope this helps -- what do you think?
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