how to deal with jealousy

I think you already know everything I am going to say. You've obviously read about the subject and have some idea of how people react during reunions. But, knowing something and being able to deal with it emotionally are obviously two different things. It's really an attempt to bond with the one we were supposed to bond with years ago. It looks like falling in love because we have no other reference for two biologically-related adults meeting for the first time, so it looks like love. He's in the midst of a whirlwind. It will die down. If you can remain strong and patient, he will return to you. You're still his wife. You have not been replaced. You have to remind yourself that he is communicating with hi s mother. He's not having an affair, even though it probably feels that way. You're right: the last thing you want to do is give him ultimatums or restrictions. This will push him away.... Have you talked to him about your relationship? Let him know that you support him and his need to meet his relatives. But, you also need him. Tell him that you feel alone, cast aside. Let him know that you excited for him and support him, but you also need him to support you. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you right now. Going through a reunion while your wife is pregnant is probably not the best time. But, it probably would be an even worse time had he waited until you had the baby. Hopefully, things will become more normalized by the time your baby is born.

You sure are going thru a lot emotionally right now. hugs! The first months of reunion are overwhelming, obsessive and all consuming. How old is your husband? Do you feel that the focus is only his mom or his siblings too? How was/is his relationship with his adoptive parents/family? I'm glad you reached out and also that you are researching. Yes, the jealousy is normal. The obsession is normal. It will probably die down. Part of it is the fact that his birthfamily is so close. When I found I was getting married in 5months- my obsession was fed via daily letters and calls as I was on the east coast and my mother in AZ. My husband never understood my obsession and because of the distance I learned to keep the gushes of emotions and experiences to myself. It eventually helped kill our relationship- because his jealousy(more of uncles than my mom) became abuse. When I met my mother for the first time- I didn't want him there. I needed time to 'feel' her alone. Not physically. But to absorb her and my relationship,our connection on what I can only describe as an ethereal way. I spent the first nite with her in her hotel room and she loaned me a pair of her pjs. Apparently, she has never washed these and still has them boxed up. She spent half the night watching me sleep (I slept so good that nite!) and half on the floor where she fell and was afraid to get up in case she woke me. There is definately a physical connection- you feel something so strong that you need to be around that person but you can't explain why. My birthmom took care of me in the hospital our first week. We bonded and 'knew' each others scent, sound and suddenly here we were after dreaming about meeting for decades and we had to place all of that in the people standing in front of us. Are you obsessive about your baby? You can feel her kick inside of you, flutter as she turns, hiccups or stretches. Your husband can't feel that even if he can feel the occassional kick thru your belly. You have these 9 months to be the only one for her; obsess about her and feel everything you can about her. Many husbands don't understand what we feel when we arepregnant, and feel left out or ignored and his own obsession is similar. Give your husband the space he needs right now but let him know that you are there, and want to be a part of his future with his newfound family. Ask him to journal what he's experiencing so that you and eventually your baby can feel it through him- this is an exciting part of his life that he can share. Write your own journal about what you are feeling about your pregnancy so that you can share that with him and your daughter. Its hard when you aren't sharing a bed at night to feel connected and not neglected. Good luck to you both and keep reaching out to the adoptee boards so you will continue to understand that neither of your emotions are abnormal. Hopefully he realizes that he's leaving you out of his joy soon and starts including you!

I thought Leight had some wonderful and insightful comments. I want to say that I sympathize with you AND your husband. I can see how a reunion between adults can be overwhelming and threatening to a spouse. This is especially hard when the reunion involves people of opposite genders. It's overwhelming and threatening because the spouses have a set blueprint for what extended family means and was introduced to during their courtship. When adoptees reunite, the dynamics of what is family changes and there is a new set-up after years of family tradition. Example-You date your boyfriend (eventually to be husband) and he has one brother and they only see each other on weekends to fly fish. His mother is sweet and quiet and sees him on Thursdays for lunch. When the adoptee spouse reunites with his sister, it is a dynamic of a female/sister that the wife did not experience before. It is another female. She has never shared her husband with a female his age. He has a birth mother who wants to talk on the telephone every other night. She has never shared him with a mother like this. He used to be hers on all weekdays. So, she is threatened. This is understandable. I reunited with a birth sibling who was male. We are very close in age and live states apart. I was thrilled and wanted contact..a lot. However, I tried to use my head and be aware of his wife and children. I focused on developing friendships and bonding instead of a need for proximity in telephone calls, texting, etc. I did so because I wanted the contact and developing relationship to be healthy, happy, supported, and stress free. I knew this would be good in the long run and would produce an eventual outcome of "new found family and connection". I also made it my business to be just as interested in his spouse and their children and lives. I did this because it is sensitive and good and because I REALLY wanted to know people who were important to him and were related to me via birth connections. I wanted to know them just as much. I wanted them to want me in their lives. Examples of how I tried to be sensitive-I never called, texted, etc. my sibling on Friday or Saturday nights when I knew he would spend possible couple evenings with his wife or family nights with her and their children. When I did contact on a Saturday or Sunday morning or afternoon, it was not every week. In other words, I tried to let the weekends be theirs as much as I could. I also never contacted him during dinner hours. Despite this, we had a lot of contact. I did this because I wanted his wife to see me as a nice experience and not something that took away what she used to have. As a result of it all, I have my birth brother in my life and a new friend in his super wife. I also have developing relationships with their children. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband and talk about setting some boundaries. There is no reason it shouldn't exist in reunions when it happens with people we grow up with or friends we have. See if you can put your husband on some sort of schedule where he aims to contact or hear from birth relatives at certain times. Contact is great and these new relatives are very important, but he needs to have balance in all his relationships. When your baby gets here, it will be easy for him to explain a need to have communication periods with his birth family. You can have some flexibility, but try to have a general routine. I personally feel like birth family reunions that go bad that started good sometimes fall because people were not being sensitive or using their heads. I can also understand your husbands need to bond and talk to his birth family. It can be overwhelming, joyful, and amazing. It is normal to be tied up with them and have your head in the clouds for the first few months. I think it is a need to recover what was lost and a desire to bond. However, it can create issues in the process and it is good to examine and use common sense. If you can, things can end up good all the way around......for everyone. There is no reason for anyone to be hurt or lose. Everyone can have a happy and joyful existence in post reunion communication.

Thank you so much for all your comments! It really is a massive help and nice to talk to people that have been through reunion before! Leight He is 27 (nearly 28) His relationship with his A parents is great he loves them to bits and visa versa. They helped him start the ball rolling looking for his Bmum. I would say that he doesn֒t really have emotional chatsђ with his Amum. But is having VERY intense emotional chats with his Bmum. He is interested in the siblings and are facebook friends, and play online games/chat etc. Obviously he is leaning more towards the mother. Im so sorry that your relationship didnt work out  was that with your mother or your or your partner? My partner was adamant I went with him for the initial meet as she took her partner. They had half an hour on their own and myself and his Bmums Husband went for a chat. They have met a few times on their own since then. I will never forget the initial phone call and the day we met, I feel privileged to have been a part of it. She has a photo of him and her and Birth and I took one of them both at the reunion. I want to get this framed with a plaque with 1984 and 2012. I know they couldnҒt stop touching each other (not in a weird way) just like a hand on his back linking arms etc. It was so nice. She looked after him for a bit too, same as your Bmum. I am VERY obsessive over my baby. And you are right, one of the things the psychotherapist told me was that what they are feeling is what I will feel when I meet my little girl. So I am trying to keep this in mind. We have a Chromosome issue with the placenta which has put us at a high risk pregnancy so that has added a lot of pressure. He forgot I had a consultant appt that really hurt. We did actually try and set boundaries. I said no phonecalls or texts when we are together, which is Friday evening to Sunday morning, so it would be Saturday that he didnt text his Bmum. Now, this was advice of a therapist NOT my demands. Because the therapist, said that although he may just send a text, his head may drift away and in this early stage itҒs important for BOTH of us to set our mobiles aside and spend time with one another. He said he couldnt do it as he felt he needed to make sure she was ok, so I agreed that they send a couple texts but not constant. Me being preggers fell asleep for half hour only to wake and find him reading a ten page essay from his Bmum on how she felt. I got cross at that, because although I was asleep I felt that he had waited for me to do so then quickly gone to read from her...Its so hard because I donҒt want him to feel that he cant text her in front of me, but at the same time I feel that he has ALL week without me to do that kind of emotional stuff. BUT this is where I am biting my tongue because If someone asked me not to speak to my baby when shes born for a day they would probably end up in hospital! LOL! However, little traveller I feel that what you did E.G. not calling at weekends etc is great! Becasue as much as I know she would be devastated if she knew I felt like this and this is NOTHING against her, I do feel a little like, maybe everyone else needs to be considered, her family too. I am giving it a couple weeks before I speak about boundaries etc because I dont want to feel like Im nagging him neither do I want to push him away. I have voiced how I feel on numerous occasions, so he is aware, Im not going t push it. Only thing that is tricky is asking him how her FEELS about it all, he finds it really hard to express this which he openly admits to (hes like that wwith EVERYTHING) But I feel like its a problem. Did your partners ask you? Did you find it hard? Thanks Again guys XX

My husband would understand exactly what you're going through as he's been in a similar way but as the husband of a mum reunited with son. He actively encouraged us to have contact, was very keen for us to meet up and speak on the phone. In the first few months I got completely wrapped up in reunion and didn't realize my husband started to feel like a spare part and felt he was losing me to another man. It sounds crazy to people who aren't affected by adoption but these were real feelings and could have destroyed our marriage. Fortunately he did open up and we set boundaries into place right down to when my son and I talked on messenger. It was hard work at times but I'm glad we stuck it out as reunion failed eventually and I could have been left with nothing. My husband has been my rock and I wouldn't want to lose him.

sorry i put emily but i realise thats the quote not your name X

That's okay, will respond tomorrow as I'm tired.

I am a birthmom that reunited with her son a year ago. When I first found him I must admit, I too was obsessive about him. If he text me I couldn't wait for the next text. Once we are holding a conversation, that's all I wanted to concentrate on. I waited 24 years to hear from my boy. I wanted to know every little detail about him. I repeatedly apologized to my family because I knew how I was. When I was excited about something he said, no one understood my feelings, and it was hard because they didn't understand what I was feeling. My kids (9 and 16) felt left out. In your situation they are still discovering everything they can about each other. It's a lot like you will be once that baby gets here, and your husband won't understand why you make such a big deal over that first geniuine smile at you. Or "honey, let me tell you what the baby did today". There are many things written about I husbands jealousy over the new baby. Things will settle down. There will be a "new" normal. But my suggestion is to not push away his new family by putting restrictions on their growing relationship. Just continue to let him know you are there to support him when he needs to talk. Excited for him over a new discovery. Cry with him over a new emotion. Just like he will do with the new baby. On a side note, my son now lives with us(4 months). We are over the "honeymoon period" but things have settled in with a new normal with an extra person that I felt was always missing. I have a closeness with him that no one else has but I have a heart big enough for everyone. Good luck to you and your family.

[QUOTE=kimberkimi] On a side note, my son now lives with us(4 months). We are over the "honeymoon period" but things have settled in with a new normal with an extra person that I felt was always missing. I have a closeness with him that no one else has but I have a heart big enough for everyone. [QUOTE] My son lived with us for a time as well and he moved in just before Christmas 2006. That made it even more special and be the time the New Year came it felt so normal for him to live with us.

Your story stirs up so many emotions. It's been awhile since I reunited and lots of water under the bridge but I remember those first few days. My partner is very understanding but he worries because he doesn't want me to get hurt. He and I have been together 25 years and have one daughter who is very close to both of us. She still lives at home but has her own space upstairs and lots of freedom. I would love to have more contact with my birthparents but it's so awkward. I know that my birthfather has health issues so I fully understand why it's difficult for them to come here. I go there occasionally but we haven't had a lot of contact lately. I would love to have them come and stay so we could develop some sort of relationship that isn't stiff. It's tough. I have contact with my one brother but the brother who I had a pretty intense relationship with in the beginning has pulled back and it's sad but he did what he felt was comfortable. I believe I overwhelmed in my "need" to try to make up for lost time. I regret that but have come to realize it's pretty normal. I was an only child and had been searching for 40 years and still I got caught up in the emotion. Give him time. It's a whirlwind. Look after yourself and tell him what you need from him. I am not sure why it would be a problem for him to read the letter with you....so you could share in the emotions and help him process. Have you tried that? Don't compare and measure emotions. It will drive you nuts. It's apples and oranges. His love for you will not be replaced by his love for his newly found mother; at least that didn't happen for me. If anything it made me more reflective and less insecure to know where I belonged and where I came from. I had a connection to the world that I didn't have before. Love grows and becomes greater with use. His love for his child will be greater if he is capable of accepting love for the child within him that he has been protecting all these years. I believe that's what we do. Protect the part of ourselves that is lonely and homesick for "belonging". We put defense mechanisms in place. Good luck and thanks for posting.

I'm the adoptee. I won't bore you with the gory details, but I'll say my wife had a very rough time and in the end, it cost me most of my birth family. A spouse has two choices: 1) support the adoptee and watch the 'honeymoon' or 2) interfere and ruin it, in which case the marriage will be severely strained. My wife and I hardly fought in 23 years. After I found my birth family, we fought almost every two weeks for a year. It's now almost two years after I found them and my wife and I still have fights. I suggest you go with choice #1. My advice page: [url=http://www.squidoo.com/finding-your-birth-family-can-be-hazardous-to-your-marriage]Finding Your Birth Family Can Be Hazardous To Your Marriage[/url]