First letter to birthmom

It's harder coming through fostercare. You have to keep in mind the risk to the child, the need for protection of the children and the feelings contact with birthparents might brign up for the children that are adjusting to a new family and new life. We've adopted 4 chidlren through fostercare, all from different birthfamilies. I understand your desire to want to keep tabs on the birthparents to know where they are and to hope to keep them informed and involved in their lives to what ever degree is possible. Our oldest son we got right before he turned 4. He had already been in fostercare for over 2 years with another foster family and then a failed adoptive home. We wanted to keep in contact with his birthfamily to send pictures and updates. His maternal grandma sounded interested but when we met she didn't sem like she had a connection to him in a grandmotherly way, we've had some contact but we've kind of let it go over the years. We had reached out to his birthmom and worte her a letter introducing ourselves to her and asking if she wanted contact but she didn't even finish the letter and had no intention of writing us back. A friend of hers she lives with wrote us back telling us how glad he was that our son had a new home who could take care of him and just let us know that she wasn't interested in contact at the time and that it's too hard for her to think about it. He just wrote us so we would not be left wondering if she recieved it and how she felt about it. I haven't written her back and it's been almost 8 years now. Our oldest daughter we have had a difficult but rewarding open adoption with. We are friends on facebook and have visits a 1-2 times a year. We had them more frequetly when she was younger but found spreading them out was better for all of us. Visits are still very hard on my daughter and it's been about 7 years now. Sometimes it's hard to say wether it was worth it or not or wether we should have ended direct contact at the time her birthmom lost/signed away her rights. Our youngest adopted son we had a pretty open adoption with his paternal grandma until she passed away a couple years ago. We have had a little contact with his birthfather and a little contact with his birthmother (mostly just running into each other around town, as well as remaining in contact through facebook. Our youngest adopted daughter was placed through dhs at birth and we have nbever had contact with her. I had her name and recently after 8 years of looking believe I found her on facebook. I have messaged her but am still waiting to hear a response. So, you never know what kind of contact the birth parent will want or wether that contact with the birthparent will be helpful or hurtful to the child. I have found that I prefer keeping in contact with them at a distance. That way we never where each other are and can share updates/pictures and updated contact info, but still seperate enough where the child doesn't have direct contact that may be difficult on them.

I would send a simple letter stating who you are (adoptive parents of ** and **) and include a recent family picture. State how the kids are doing (medically, educationally, socially) but keep it simple and short. State that you would like to start with reciprocal letter exchanges and you can be contacted at **** email address or ***** mail address (use a post office box or something else). I also have a secondary facebook account that works well for posting photos and exchanging messages etc. You may also consider asking for a picture exchange (sending recent pictures in exchange for copies of baby photos).

Thanks for the advice. I decided not to contact her at all. After giving it a lot of consideration, it really would not be fair of me to open this wound for her when I am not ready for her to have contact with the kids or have consistent communication with my husband or myself. Also, since she just got arrested, it's obvious she isn't stable, so it's pretty unfair of me to have any expectations of her. I'll wait until the kids are ready for contact, and then we'll try our best to find her again. Thanks for the support.