What would you want in an update?

Personally, there are very few things I wouldn't want to hear about my son, if his first word was Mamma I would want to know that. I will say this, as a birth mother there are triggers all over the place, it honestly strikes me at weird places and completely inappropriate times, I've learned to deal with that side of it. What I'm trying to say is avoiding a trigger is not going to happen, you're writing about a child she's not raising, it's going to be a hard letter to read, but the more you put in, the more she can see how your son is doing well and happy, the more of a picture she can get of him, the more happy is mixed in with the sad. I think as long as the update is about what's going on with your son and your family I think you'll be fine. I personally especially like hearing the things that make my kid different, like as much as I love hearing about him walking, I even more love hearing the story about his stubborn streak, or how he hates the texture of all vegetables and if they try to mix them into food he picks them out. Those are the things that make my boy seem more than just any toddler on the street. I also think it's appropriate to mention how you want more of a relationship, I know as a birth parent it's easy to think the adoptive parents are saying that to try to make it better for us, and it's hard to realize this isn't about us but is about our child and our child being able to know us. So just letting them know you would love to hear from them, and would love to be able to tell your child stories or show him pictures of them I don't think is bugging them, it's just reminding them what you want for your son. In any case, good luck. One sided relationships sound incredibly difficult, and I can imagine keeping up with them without any feedback is so hard.

I'm with Rac, there is very little I wouldn't want to hear. I love getting texts talking about something funny he did, like pitching a fit at daycare because everyone had a cookie but him, <he has no teeth...so no cookie...but he was MAD!> or covering himself with carrots, cause he wants to do it. Try to imagine if someone were writing you a letter about your child, what you would want to hear. I also agree that the birthmom triggers are everywhere and you just can't avoid them all, and for me, even if I get hit with a bmom pain it is mixed with happy that he is doing as well, or better than I hoped he would do. Good luck! :-)

I come from the other end of the spectrum, having lived through a closed adoption. I would have loved knowing anything about my daughter. My recurring fear was that she had died and I didn't know, so number 1 on the list for me would be that my child is alive and well. And since nothing would be "enough news" for me, maybe put in a couple of stories that illustrate the kind of person your child is becoming... we all know about the "milestones" but what stories are unique to your son? Thanks so much for caring enough to ask for birthparent perspective! Soprano

I'm with Soprano. Mine was a closed adoption and over the years my biggest fear was that he was dead and I would never know. Since we are in reunion, I love seeing pictures of him as he grew and hearing stories. Unfortunately his parents weren't big picture takers! I have been given copies of several and I cherish them. One that I have seen, but don't have a copy of is one of him with his parents soon after they got him. I would love to have a copy. As all the other bmoms have noted, the triggers come and go. I love my bson and I wanted him to have a wonderful childhood. The hard places and stories are more difficult to hear but I still want to know. It helps me to understand who he is as a 39 year old today.