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So I have used the same pediatrician for the last 3 years since my oldest DD was born. My gut is telling me she is not the right fit anymore. We are having some massive miscommunication when it comes to my little one and adoption.
Here are some incidents that come to mind...please tell me if I am being too sensitive.
1) When speaking about raising a multiracial child, I stressed how important it was for me for her to appreciate all sides of her culture. I said that I didn't want her to not feel connected because she might be seen (by others) as to light to fit in. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give her the tools because of how others might perceive her.
Her response: Don't you know that she is now taking on your culture and heritage? You don't sit around talking about being German or Irish right? So why put a focus on her Puerto Rican roots or her African American roots? Her history is yours.
2) When I discussed the openness of our adoption she asked me if it would be a detriment to my child. She also was surprised that I discuss adoption in my home, that my little one might need a therapist to "discuss her abandonment issues"
3) At the most recent visit with my oldest daughter to discuss a mole that appeared on her head I asked if I needed to be concerned with little one's skin. I am so fair I burn at the first sign of daylight so I am not used to the lives of tanning:). She said yes you need to be concerned you might see the burn. I jokingly said "But how will be keep her caramel color" and she replied "You do know all black people look different right? They are all shades. If you wanted a blacker baby you should have asked for one."
I was so upset. I am still upset. Writing this makes me wonder why I didn't deck her. I'm not sure where all this is coming from. I never had a problem before with her. I don't know if I somehow asked for these responses because I am so open? I love my children so much, I know I ask dumb questions sometimes in particular when it comes to trans-racial adoption but that is because I want my daughter to be proud of she is. Maybe I am too concerned?
Do I leave the entire practice? switch to another doc in the practice? I placed a call asking to speak with her because I feel like I should say something.
This whole thing makes me sick. I feel like she either thinks I am a horrible person or she has no conception of adoption.
My thought is she is a white southern woman, with a white child and "liberal" therefor thinks that the world is one giant kum-bai-ya. I put liberal in quotes because I'm beginning to think that just because one has liberal political leanings does not mean that they aren't closed off/ignorant to what is actually happening in the world.
Ok now I am just ranting.
Ok feedback please. Even if you think I was in the wrong.... I need to hear it.
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If you are uncomfortable, then find a new doctor! I think the last comment was uncalled for really.
With that said...I do have to say that I have never once talked with my pediatrician about my children being adopted---not in the sense of discussing their cultural identity, etc. I have talked about skin related issues (sunscreen, eczema) and that fact that we have little/no medical background. I guess I just have never expected my pediatrician to be an adoption expert, just a 'medical' expert if that makes any sense.
I save my adoption related questions for people I know who really understand and can give me accurate info about transracial adoption....and that's not my pediatrician, because I have no clue what his experience is, if any.
Best of luck!!
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I never really thought of not discussing it. Keep in mind it wasn't like I just sat down and had this conversation with her. It was more of a casual thing like "Oh another patient recently adopted trans-racially" "Oh well blah blah blah blah blah" or I just casually brought up E's bma and that was the response that followed. I just don't think of mentioning her because she is a big part of my life.
Sigh...I guess I am glad I am learning all the wrong things to do :grr: while she is too young to understand.
I've never talked with my son's pediatrician about adoption specifically. But we have talked about the lack of medical information, some of the heath issues we DO know his bmom has, etc. I can see asking about sunscreen if you aren't sure what to use or what is necessary and I do think her answer was inappropriate.I would find another pediatrician. Not because she isn't an expert on adoption - obviously, you can't expect her to be. But she should have a certain level of comfort with the subject and be able to have a conversation that touches on adoption without saying something off the wall. DJ's pediatrician has never suggested that we address his abandonment issues! My son is old enough to bring up adoption on his own, (Yesterday our neighbor innocently asked, "Where did you get those beautiful brown eyes?" And DJ answered, "My birthmother!") and old enough to be listening carefully to adult conversations, too. I trust his pediatrician to respond appropriately when the subject does come up - and it would make me feel uneasy if I couldn't trust that.
I would find a new doctor. I agree that expecting her to be an expert on adoption would be unrealistic, but especially with transracial adoption it's probably going to come up at some point, and you do have a right to expect someone to be educated enough to have an appropriate response. If you weren't asking her for advice on these issues, but they instead just came up in conversation, she has no business offering you advice even if it were good advice (which it clearly wasn't). I had problems with C's first pediatrician (who, surprisingly, is also an TRA mom, but still doesn't "get it"). I stayed in the same practice, partly because there are only two pediatric practices in town and the other one isn't taking new patients. I was okay with possibly getting her in an on-call emergency situation, because I could keep it very straight-forward about the specific emergency, and her inappropriate comments weren't biased or anything, just ignorant. We have now found a pediatrician in the same practice who seems to work out well for us - she is straightforward and more likely to ask (appropriate) questions than to give unwanted or unhelpful advice.
We mentioned we were adopting in our initial/PRE-adoption interview when we were choosing a pediatrician Because we wanted to know how comfortable he was with lack of medical history information (not knowing at that time how much ongoing communication we might have). We mentioned it again at the initial visit after Peanut was born because he was born with marijuana in his system and we needed to be sure they got the records from the hospital and did not just rely on our reports (which I'm sure they would've done anyway, but new parent and all...) other than that, it's not come up. But even then I did not get the inappropriate comments you did. I agree that we can't expect all professionals who work with our kids to be experts on adoption, but we SHOULD be able to expect them to be PROFESSIONAL. I don't think she was. And regardless, it sounds like it's already impacted your opinion of her. You need to be able to trust your pediatrician, and I wonder if you will after these experiences.
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Any doctor worth their weight in salt would be attentive or at very least go out of their way to listen to a momma..
An momma who has a "feelig" or gut instinct that a doctor is not a good fit I urge you to pay attention to your instinct.
YOU are your child's voice and advocate. As a nurse I cannot tell you how many times I have talked to friends and other mothers about this.
Doctors are not always a good fit with patients be it children or adults. You MUST be able to trust and communicate with a feeling of confidence with your doctor. If that is not there then this is not the right doctor.
When I worked in a hsopital setting I would always tell new parents that they could always ask for a different doctor if they felt for any reason they could not communicate with them or if the felt the doctor was not attentive to their concerns.
I have had parents terrified of the doctors afraid to voice their concerns because of miscommunication.
So I'm a pediatrician and I almost NEVER recommend changing doctors... It's usually not good for continuity of care and things that parents get bent out of shape about are not things that impact the child's care.
HOWEVER, in this case, I'd run (and write a letter to the practice) if all the things you say are accurate. She need some adoption training to integrate into her practice.
My now-ex husband of 26 years became a physician while we were married, so I went through every step with him. I spent a great deal of time at the medical school and was as involved as I could possibly be. I did the same through residency, his Air Forces service, and the first decade of his private practice. I was very involved in patient education and that kind of thing. Of course along the way, I got to know many, many people who either were physicians or on their way to being physicians. Getting to know them, personally, rather than professionally, can be very enlightening.Based on all of that, my pet peeve is physicians who behave as if their MD renders them as experts, even on issues they know nothing about. The best ones will go to the effort, on their own, of educating themselves about issues that come up in their practices. Unfortunately, many do not.I have, on occasion, tactfully confronted someone, over dinner, or something like that, over some issue that came up in their practice that they were making strong statements about, that I suspected that they had no basis for their opinions about. The response was usually something on the order of, "Well, I heard that... such and such, etc." In short, they were going on hearsay, not information.It sounds to me like your pediatrician falls into that category. She has no basis to counsel you on anything to do with adoption or AA issues. When someone compares AA issues to being German or Irish, you know that is a person who is clueless about it. No one is an expert on everything, and that's fine. But, when an issue comes up that they know nothing about, they should be honest, rather than offering a totally uneducated opinion. I wouldn't be able to trust a physician who did that.
I would get a new pediatrician if I were you. Our pediatrician has been nothing but understanding and kind in regards to J's adoption. We haven't had any issues like you have had. If we did, I would find another doctor. In fact, I would search out a doctor who is Black or biracial too. My dd's first pediatrician was Black and if I ever had a problem with our current doctor I would probably go back there. My problem with his office was the loooong wait times though, and now we have moved about 30-45 minutes away from his office.
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Just for some perspective. Our pediatrician was great when we went there with our first child. Well, okay, not great on everything but okay about the adoption part. He would chat on and on to me in this really loud voice, even though people were waiting in the waiting room and could here that he wasn't talking about necessary stuff. But he was friendly and even offered to come to our house if there was an emergency, given that I'm legally blind and can't drive. He was even positive about us adopting a second child and sent good recommendations to the social workers, but then he got the second child's paperwork and suddenly he's all cold and frosty. He insisted that I park my stroller outside in the rain because "other patients" need the stroller space in the hallway outside the waiting room, even though the other patients generally can drive cars. He is terse and unfriendly and pretty much just hands out prescriptions for anitbiotics that we don't need without explanation and sometimes lying to me about what the prescription is really for every time we go there. It took me a couple of months to realize that this wasn't a bad day but a real pattern and to realize that it changed right after he got our son's paperwork and to reread the paperwork and notice that the first line of the orphanage medical report lists his ethnic background. So, this doctor somehow missed noticing that our older child had a dark tan in the middle of the winter and couldn't possibly be entirely white and now he's freaked out about the whole inter-ethnic conflict in this country. Okay, the only point to this story is that it can be worse. There aren't even any other pediatricians within reasonable transportation distance, so we're stuck with him. Thank goodness our kids almost never need a doctor.
If you're uncomfortable, then I'd switch. And you *may* be able to find a pediatrician with adoption experience. Ask around.
We got a referral to our pediatrician through an adoption organization. She had adopted internationally and had lots of experience with foster and adopted kiddos. She is only part-time and ALWAYS running late... but I love that she *gets* the adoption and attachment stuff.