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We adopted the most beautiful little girl 2 1/2yrs ago. We knew the birth parents (BF lived with us for several years from 11-14yrs old). For many reasons I dont' care much for his mother, mainly because of how she treated her own son.
We did an open adoption, however no terms were ever agreed on or put in writing (not sure why, our lawyer never brought it up). We have a great relationship with BF still. We moved out of State last year and BF followed us. We think of him as part of our family and he calls and visits often, our daughter thinks of him as Uncle. birthmom is in another State and we have little contact with her by her choice.
My problem lies with BF mother (I will call her BFM). She still lives in our original home state and recently came for a 5 day visit. I did not offer to let her stay with us even though she hinted around to it.
BFM insists on calling herself Grandma to our daughter and encourages her to call her Grandma too. She takes lots of pictures and posts pictures of her "granddaughter" with "grandma and grandpa" on her Facebook page. This wasn't a big deal before as our daughter was to young to know the difference. As she gets older it's starting to annoy me. BFM was a horrible mother to BF and while I don't mind BFM seeing our daughter I don't want her to refer to herself as Grandma. Our daughter has 2 sets of Grandparents already.
Any idea how I can stop this now? BF is just happy his mother comes around to see our daughter as it means she will see him too (otherwise she would never come to this State to visit him), so I don't want to hurt him. I know BFM is already planning her next visit for next year. By then our daughter will be in her 3's and understand more what Grandma means.
We have agreed with BF that although our daughter will always know she is adopted, when she is old enough the 3 of us will sit down with her and explain her history. I honestly don't believe we owe BFM anything and only allow her visits because of BF and because our daughter may want to know her later on.
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I have to say that it seems like there are so many emotions about the past and her bad parenting that you are overreacting on this little piece. She is your daughter's grandmother and is it really that big of a deal for her to be called grandma? I'm not adopted, but was raised with 3 sets of grandparents due to a divorce/remarriage before I was born. It was never confusing to me and it was awesome to have more grandparents. My daughter has 4 sets - 2 on our family's side and 2 on her birth family's side. All of them are known as Grandma or Grandpa _____. There's no such thing as too many grandparents, especially when it sounds like you are caught up on the word itself. You seem to have a lot of legitimate issues with her that I'm sure will impact the relationship she and your daughter have, for good reason. However, does that have to manifest as being territorial over the name "grandma"? When your daughter is an adult, will she think it was worth whatever tensions it adds to your/her relationship with her birth grandmother? Just some things to think about - she seems very challenging, but maybe your energy is better spent dealing with other things than the name.
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Thank you TacoSalad. I really listened to what you wrote and have been thinking alot about it. I think you are right and I am taking alot of how she treated her son and applying it to my daughter. I guess I feel if she wasn't a mother to her son why should she be a grandmother to my daughter. Regardless, her son strives for a relationship with her so maybe I do need to loosen up a little. I think have alot of feelings toward her that I need to work out.
She is respectful of us and the decisions we make for our daughter and never tries to overstep. I really do thank you for your giving me another perspective to think about and consider.
I'm glad that you were able to step back and try to look at things in another way - I was afraid I had come off a little harsher than I intended. I think I saw it from that angle because I've had to go through a similar process. My dad left us when I as 5 and didn't re-enter my life until I was 30 and, even then, totally acts like he's a great dad. When we adopted our daughter, I really struggled with the thought of calling him Grandpa. After reflecting upon it, I realized I was thinking of being a grandparent as a kind of reward for raising a kid, which made me want to withhold that from my dad. It seemed like something he had no right to claim, since being a grandparent to my daughter implied he was a father to me and he wasn't. I decided I had to be the better person and not act out of hurt or anger and we do call him Grandpa now. My history with him and his own instability will impact the relationship I allow him to have with my daughter as she grows up - that feels more like a parenting decision based on what is best for her, not an action I'm taking out of spite. Good luck as you figure out the best way to proceed.
tacosalad
I'm glad that you were able to step back and try to look at things in another way - I was afraid I had come off a little harsher than I intended. I think I saw it from that angle because I've had to go through a similar process. My dad left us when I as 5 and didn't re-enter my life until I was 30 and, even then, totally acts like he's a great dad. When we adopted our daughter, I really struggled with the thought of calling him Grandpa. After reflecting upon it, I realized I was thinking of being a grandparent as a kind of reward for raising a kid, which made me want to withhold that from my dad. It seemed like something he had no right to claim, since being a grandparent to my daughter implied he was a father to me and he wasn't. I decided I had to be the better person and not act out of hurt or anger and we do call him Grandpa now. My history with him and his own instability will impact the relationship I allow him to have with my daughter as she grows up - that feels more like a parenting decision based on what is best for her, not an action I'm taking out of spite. Good luck as you figure out the best way to proceed.
I let my AS birthfamily refer to themselves as mom, gdma, gdpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc. It just seems to me that his birth mom gave him life, so why should I say she can't be called mom. Her parents gave life to her, etc. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be his Mommy today.
When you get right down to it, does what they are called take anything away from you or your child? JMHO
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If you feel comfortable with her being called grandma that's great; however, I think that it's totally up to you. The relationship is the important part, and if it makes you uncomfortable when she refers to herself as grandma, that will impact how you act toward and around her. If you aren't comfortable with it, it's absolutely okay (and important) to have a conversation with her about it. Maybe another term would be more appropriate for your family. Maybe you could come up with some variation or another pet name. You have a lot of choices, but remember it is your choice, and it's okay whichever you choose.
Someday though it will be your daughter's choice to decide who she is to her. Will you be able to step back and let that happen? Nothing makes me more irritated than the fact that my dad gets bent out of shape over how I refer to my first parents as an adult. Should be my right to define them, just something to start thinking about now.
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