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My STBAS has three older siblings who are in relative care. We attempted to create an OA agreement with the birth mom, the maternal grandma, and a maternal aunt (who has guardianship of the three sibs). We set up meetings with an OA mediator and were disappointed when the birth family did not show up. We were told, by several people, that it's unusual for the adoptive family to push so hard for an OA and be completely rejected by the birth family. We REALLY wanted some form of openness for our STBAS's sake.
Fast forward six months and our CW told us she just realized another family on her caseload is a paternal cousin. The cousin has kinship care of some other cousins and they are in constant contact with the sibs to my son. She asked my permission to give out my contact info, since we were so hoping for openness. We gave our permission and the cousin called, very excited about the possibility of our kids knowing one another.
That was over a month ago and I haven't called back. I don't know WHY I haven't called back and I realize how awful it is. This is exactly what we wanted and now I'm petrified. If I had made the phone call he made, and not received a reply, I'd be devastated. I know it's not to late to call...and I want to, but I'm unprepared for how scary it is to make that call!!!!
Help!!!!!
Thanks!!!!
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I totally understand. We had our kids for about 18 months when I started supervision of visits. They had had visits with their half brother and his paternal grandparents for that entire time, and I briefly met them at a fast food joint when I picked them up. The first time I was to do a visit, it was the half-brother's birthday party at the grandparents house... and DH couldn't go! I HATE being in situations that I dont know what is going to happen. But I went with it.
Fast forward a year or so later and we have a decent relationship. We make sure the kids get together about once a month. We comisserate about their birth mom and concerns about what might happen. However, they are very supportive of the adoption, were at court, their baptism and adoption party. I dont know where we will go from here, but I'm glad I went down that road.
So, yes, its scary. Just give it time. Take it slow. Maybe make the call (for me email is much easier) and maybe set up a park day. Somewhere easy and neutral.
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I feel ya. When we adopted our son, we wanted contact with bio grandma (mom was not available for contact and we never met her), aunts, whoever we could get our hands on. We even had monthly visits with his foster family, who had cared for him for 4 months before we adopted him. I told everyone, "I want him to know all of you. He can't have too many people to love him." Well, bio family all backed out, and foster family has disappeared on us a few years later.We are now in our first placement, and DH is looking ahead to what-if... What if we adopt him? He has a HUGE family (of (mostly) felons) and of those we have met they are very nice and care a great deal about him, despite the circumstances. I cannot imagine have OA with this huge family AND with whatever family adopts his sister, who also is in care, and who we could not possibly take. I want no part of any of this! Simple solution, obviously, is not adopt him, but I am surprised at myself for being so closed to the idea when I was so open before.
We adopted 4 through fostercare and I know how your feeling. All of our children have different levels of openess with their birthfamilies, even so I find myslef in a similiar position. Sometimes the idea of what we want or hope for gets us excited for contact and then the thought of the reality of it all comes crashing in and can be scary. It's hard to trust people you don't know, especially in circumstances like this.
Make the call.... this road isnt about what best for your fears it's about whats best for that little one your in charge of raising and making as stable as possible. Lets be honest kids who know where they came from and have ties to that do the best. They have a sense of who they are and where they come from.
I am in a kinship placement with my husbands god daughters children. So the family will forever be involved in mine & my STBAD's life. I am one who wants to run my daughter in to the far end of the planet where she's mine all mine however; I know it's best that she knows her entire family. Criminals and all it's her reality.
Thank you to everyone who replied. I know you are all right!!! I just needed to hear it from people who know...as opposed to my friends and family who try hard, but don't really understand.
I compromised, to an extent. Since the CW and I get along very well, I asked her to set up a first meeting so the kids could meet and the cousin and I could meet as well. She will attend this as well and help us get acquainted, etc.
We've been talking for about two weeks trying to find a day that works for everyone.
I'll keep you posted!
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