Advice for an Adoptive Mother

Hi, I'm an adoptive mom, too, but not from foster care. My son's first mom chose to place, family and children services was not involved. I want to share something I've learned through my work. Let me start by saying that I have the luxury at the end of the day of being able to go home to my healthy son. I don't have to look into the eyes of a child who has problems related to his mom's bad choices during pregnancy. I cannot imagine the anger, frustration, and whole hosts of other feelings I might feel if I were in that position. So I realize my input is coming from someone who doesn't live every day watching her son face challenges that could've been avoided. That being said... I work for a behavioral health agency. There is a particular therapy model that I am trained in, and I will co-lead a series with another therapist to give some on-the-job training. After the complete series is finished, I will move on to another site, another co-leader, another group. I finished a series just before Peanut was born. Once I returned from my family leave, I started at a program for women with addiction, prioritizing services to women who are pregnant or with babies. This has been a wonderful experience for me, and I'm sure I've learned more myself than I have taught them. I had some pretty strong biases prior to working with these women...all thanks to some family history of addiction. These women, for whom I might not have had a whole lot of empathy before, have taught me that it's not always black and white. Before, I would think "how could she use drugs while she was pregnant! How could she love the drugs more than her child!" but I've learned that most of the time it's not that simple. Most of these women were in abusive relationships. With no education, no work experience, they felt stuck. Most were from families of addicts, and never saw a different way. Even when they wanted something different, none of them had the skills. We serve 14 women in this program. We have a waiting list of over 100. Treatment is not easily available everywhere for those who want it, and so many don't feel they deserve it. Some have gotten their children back, some have voluntarily relinquished, and some have lost their parental rights; They all struggle with self-hate for the choices they made. All of these women made bad choices during their pregnancies. All of them love their children. While it's hard for me to understand how both can be true, these women have taught me that it IS true. I've learned over the years, and most especially this past year and a half that no everyone has the same opportunities in life. Not everyone has the skills and strength and supports to overcome their challenges...that even when they want to do better, they don't always know HOW to do better. That making bad choices...sometimes the same bad choices over and over and over again doesn't mean that they are bad people. Maybe some of these things will be helpful as your son gets older and learns more of his story. He's very lucky to have you.

Adoption may seem heroic but the mother is not doing the adopting - she is being encouraged to surrender her parental rights, legally abandoning her child and turning her child into an "ophan" on paper. This "sacrifice" is known to cause the greatest loss imaginable for a mother - her grieving may be delayed but intense, as she misses out on the opportunity to raise her child. And of course, the child suffers the loss of mother and family as well. They will claim that there are so many mothers who "just don't want" their children. They will rationalize that the mothers are all on crack - but at the same time, the so-called "loving" couple will likely make sure "their birthmother" tests negative for drugs and "the product" they puchase is healthy. Despite all the claims about everything being in the "best interests" of the child, the adoptive "parents" themselves may not be drug tested at all. [URL="http://www.platinumplaymates.co.uk/"] Leeds Escort Agency [/URL]

I am adopted. My mom always told me that I didn't grow under her heart but in it.I have always known I was adopted. Even when I was younger. I didn't always know what that meant but I knew that I was loved, etc.

Hi, I am an adult who was adopted, sold to my A-parents as a 2 week old infant. In those days there was a terrible set of books on adoption (with much mis-information) which was given to my A-parents. I literally always knew that I was adopted, and the book had my A-parents continually using the word "Adopted" whenever they told me that they loved me. It came out badly, awkwardly,and my parents were not the type to talk much about loving children. And making them say "Adopted" each time that they said "love" was awful; it came out forced. Very forced. When I had my own two boys, I fell deeply in love with them. I read everything ever written on raising children (which did not stop me from making my share of mistakes). However, one thing that worked for any information I wanted to impart was to clearly tell them something using age-appropriate language and give them plenty of time to ask questions. You might begin with "do you know how you got to be Mommy and Daddie's girl/boy"? After waiting for an answer, you might add "we were so happy when we were told that we could adopt you"! If my child didn't ask for more information, then I would wait six months and repeat this. The classic adoption joke is when the child asks "where did I come from" and both parents go into carefully crafted adoption stories hoping that each word is perceived as meant. The child, then frustrated, says, "NO!, I know that Ginny came from Maine-where did I come from"? When telling my older son about his baby brother growing in my womb, he was more concerned about pecking order and informed me that he would be delighted to have a baby brother and would help set up his room-in the garage! My older beloved, precocious and funny son is missed beyond measure as he was killed in a car accident two weeks before his 22nd birthday. We will never be the same. Basically, without hiding anything important, I think kids tell us what information they are ready to receive and change the subject when they feel uncomfortable. The one thing that you want to avoid is having other friends or family members discuss this subject without knowing how they perceive it. A well meaning aunt of mine (mother's sister) never failed to tell me how lucky was I to have been adopted by my parents while scaring me with awful things that could have happened. A friend of my mother's daughter went to school into which I transferred; she told all of my classmates that I was an orphan. As for designating the Bio-mom, I think I would call her the BIO-MOM. It is a correct term and avoids the question "why didn't I grow in YOUR tummy, Mommy. As well, "Tummy Mommy" will get too precious as your child gets older. Just my opinion. I hope that I have helped; if I've inadvertently upset you in any way, I did not so intend. Blessings to you and yours, LLAWEN

Thank you for thinking of your son's feelings at the very beginning! I was adopted and although I have had many feelings of abandonment and actually never attached to my adoptive mom (I was raised in an abusive household)- the one thing I think my parents did right was tell me about my adoption. When I was very little, my dad would tell me a bedtime story about how they picked me out (I was of the 'chosen adoptee' era) at the home, and they were arguing over my name thru the nursery window. He said that the nurse came out and told them to just call me x-y(both names strung together) and to shut up. My dad would embellish the story and make it sweet about how he was afraid to hold me the first time since I was so small ... it was a cute story the way he told it and made it clear that they 'got' me rather than being 'born' to them . Also- we picked up my adopted brother when I was 2.5 yrs old from JFK airport- he was delivered to us by two completely frocked nuns and he ran straight to my dad- I remember everything about it- down to the outfit I wore! At 18 months, he was walking and talking a foreign language, so it would have been hard for them to keep us being adopted a secret. Both my husband & I are adopted and reunited with our birthfamilies so our children are growing up with many, many grandmas-my adopted parents divorced, his birthfather is married, etc... When they were toddlers I used the term 'belly mama' to explain why I had two mothers. One who carried me but couldn't care for me and gave me to grandma who couldn't have a baby in her tummy but raised me instead. I only gave as many details as they grasp at their age and my oldest daughter asked many questions while the youngest rarely did. I changed the term over time because it wasn't necessary as they matured. I think as long as you use it in an age appropriate description and not in a deprecating way it shouldn't be insulting. I think if your 15 yr old son were calling his birthmom tummy mommy it would be different but you would be using it in a way to explain where your baby/toddler came from. My birthmom didn't and doesn't care what I call her; she just counts herself lucky that I searched, found and wanted a life that included her. I do not call her 'Mom' in front of my adopted mom because my adopted mother would be insulted, but I started writing 'Mom' in my letters a few months after I found her and it was a natural progression for me. She's my best friend. She will never be my mommy. (I did not search for a replacement mom-even though I had a horrible one- I wanted to know more about me and why I was so different from my adoptive family.) We've missed out on alot but we have had the last 20 yrs together and the future is ours. Don't worry about what others will say...this is a special story that you will tell your son. Its about him and though you will write the beginning...his actions and questions will tell you how to continue. There will be times when you want to tell him more but let him dictate what he wants to know. Questions will come out of the blue...try to go with the flow. Tell him the truth as he asks for it - about his birthmom and her situation and addiction. Don't talk bad about her just explain that she wasn't able to make good choices for herself or him and that you were lucky enough to be given the chance to love him. I think its great that you are giving her the chance to say goodbye and that you are open to communication in the future should she recover and stay sober. All of this will have a great foundation for your son to grow into his own self.