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I've disappeared for a few weeks I know... I've been struggling to deal with my 4 yo, E. As many of you know, her older brother recently joined us in the family. The new dynamic was difficult for all of them because T was abusive to the younger two before they entered care 1.5 years ago, but the time apart has helped them all heal, and now most of T's major issues, like acting out his anger on his siblings, have been reduced. C also struggled with accepting T back into his life, but the boys are now reforming a bond and are doing better, it seems, as a result. My DD K also had issues with no longer being the oldest, but we now have grown closer since I have been more attentive to her needs for one on one time with me.
So to make a long story short, T is doing better, C is doing better, K is doing better... And E is getting worse. She always had MAJOR behavior issues, but those have escalated beyond what I could have imagined. We always had excessive tantrums, no attachment, etc. Now, she has started with dangerously violent behavior. Not just hitting or something when mad, but I caught her stealing matches from the kitchen the other day (we now have no matches-I should have thought of that before) which she wanted "to burn you down." That is so scary for me to hear as a mother! She has also tried to keep knives in her room. She is now not just difficult- she is only 4, and I am afraid of her. I can't imagine what this must be like for parents of children who do this in the teen years, when you have so much less control over a child's world...
What can I do to help my DD? I love all 4 of my children, and we are approaching adoption of the 3 besides my bio DD. But it doesn't seem that E can handle living in the same home as T. She obviously is terrified in her own home because of him being here. I don't blame her for this, but I don't know that these two can live in the same home.
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So sorry to hear about this.
If it were me I would first try to rule out that, God forbid, nothing abusive is happening between the siblings that could be triggering E's behavior.
Is T left unsupervised with E at any time? Even night time etc? E bringing knives to bed sets off some alarm bells for me. I know it's a horrible thought but for me that would be the first thing I would make sure to rule out.
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I think you're 100% on target to ask those questions, unfortunately, and that was my first thought: is he doing better because he's venting rage secretly? Is there sexual abuse going on?
The answer is, I don't think so. I've been sooo worried about accepting T's placement, and given that he came to us from residential, we had the house fitted with camaras, door alarms (E's door already had one) and locks on dangerous items. I'm glad we were prepared, but we haven't caught anything. I'm a SAHM and E is physically disabled and has some delays, so it is not much added work to do line of sight with her. I almost have to just to meet her basic needs. T is also close to line of sight. And although I had one awkward encounter with T masturbating, he was just in his room alone... No harm done to anyone, and he is 11. It's not too unusual for a boy at that age, so I just reminded him that although his door doesn't lock, he really should warn people not to come in when they knock and he isn't dressed :rolleyes: and that that is private behavior only. He seemed fine with this, and he's never acted out sexually in any other way.
So I think E's behavior is rooted in past abuse. It seems, from what information could be gathered, that it was mostly physical, but there could have been sexual abuse then. I don't think it could be occurring now, just because E already is in line of sight:(
ETA: Our house has 4 bedrooms: mine and DH's, K's, T's, and C and E share. I allow this because although they are opposite genders, we've never had a problem with this arrangement (I originally intended E to share with K), and that is the ONLY WAY they will sleep. I've video'd their room at night, to ensure that nothing was going on between them, and I've never found anything. E cannot get out of her crib (she won't sleep if she isn't in a crib, so we got her a large one for older toddlers) because she doesn't have the fine motor skill to work the latch, and trust me, she's tried. So I doubt any abuse is happening there either, though that arrangement may not seem like the safest.
Marleygirl99
If it is not going on currently, could E be reliving some trauma that occurred before and is now afraid it will happen again because T is back in the home with her? I am so sorry for what you are going through.
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lovemy6
Please don't finalize until this behavior is resolved.
In MY experience, when a dramatic change in behavior has happened in a child after a new kid has been added, there HAS been abuse.
I learned that I will NEVER again take a kid older than my already here kids!
Somehow, things have managed to get worse with E. Today she found a knife at her preschool and attempted to stab a teacher. It was quite blunt and he wasn't even bleeding, but it was clear the attempt was serious. He mentioned she stopped being herself before it happened-even more so than what she has been doing lately. He said it was like she was a machine trying to hurt and kill :( I've also noticed an almost dissociative tendency with her. Any ideas as to what might be going on? My first thought was PTSD. It seemed just like how some of you on adoption.com have described your kids with PTSD. Should she be evaluated for that? Is it even possible in a 4 year old? I'm just so exhausted and at a loss as to what I can do for my child:confused:
What *I* suspect is that the older boy has gotten to the other children and your little girl is telling you with her behavior that she is either being hurt or threatened. It COULD "just" be ptsd, but my gut and experience is that she's being either hurt or threatened.
I HOPE I'm wrong! I pray I'm wrong!