What's the point of meeting a birthfather

I can't speak as an adoptee...but I can share with you what my son's feelings were on this subject back when we reunited 22 years ago. He wanted to meet his birth father and asked me to be the go-between. I gladly did so on his behalf, although it opened up a very old wound in my heart when I saw his natural father. My son wanted to meet the man who had helped give him his lifehe wanted to see the similarities in personality, mannerisms, physical traits, etc. He wanted to learn more about his paternal half-siblings, to see their pictures, to know who they were. I'm glad I was able to facilitate a reunion between father and son...because his natural father was killed the following year in a work-related accident. I took our son to his funeral, and it seemed to give him a sense of closure.

So what is an adoptee supposed to call the birth father? Does the adoptee just want to meet and then move on? Any consideration given to the birthfather? (and birthmother too). I focus on birthfather here because many birthfathers didn't know about the adoption until much later and it must hurt them. Like it rips open a wound to see the birthchild and be denied the chance to be a dad.

There are no set rules -- each adoptee has different reasons for wanting to meet their birth fathers. I've known some who just want to meet once, obtain their family medical histories, and maybe meet their siblings. Some want to develop an ongoing relationship...and some don't want to contact them at all. Most birth parents, both mothers and fathers, usually leave what to call them up to the adoptee. Most seem to call them by their first names; some want to call them Mom or Dad. My son called his birth father by his first name, but he calls me Mom from time to time. Usually he calls me Raven, but he oftens addresses his letters and emails to "Mom." Don't assume that most fathers were never told about their girlfriend's pregnancy or that they weren't told about the adoption. Back in the Baby Scoop Era, which encompasses the years 1945-1974, many of them ran for the hills, rather than marrying the mothers of their children. There's a lot of literature about this subject. If you haven't had the chance yet to read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, I highly recommend that you pick up a copy. It will give you a lot of insight into the mothers, fathers, and babies of the Baby Scoop Era.

I haven't met my father yet. I don't know if he will even want to meet me, but I have a need to know about my origins. First and foremost, he does know of my existence, and he does know that I was adopted. I believe that I have two fathers and two mothers. Nature and nurture usually go hand in hand, but, for adoptees, one set of parents is the nature, and the other set is the nurture. Both sets of parents helped determine the person I have become. I want to see where my traits, my interests, talents, appearance, etc. comes from. By meeting and learning more about my biological family, I will get a better idea of what was innate and what was acquired. I find that type of stuff to be fascinating. But, mainly, I want to meet him because he is the only man who could have created me. I want to know more about this man.

galaxy, From your original post your husband had issues with sharing a child with the father of the child. Is that what you are trying to ask here? Because the mother of the child you are considering has already passed away so won't be a threat but he is still alive and will be to your husband? Are you trying to find just the right answer to reassure your husband that all adoptees are only interested in their mother and fathers mean nothing? That if they were curious they wouldn't call him a father or dad, and perhaps would only want to meet once and move on? Just ask straight out - we are all adults here. This adoptee refers to her father as her father and no I have never met him or will meet him. 50% of my genes and heritage come from him - you can't wash or wish that out of who I am. You really need to do some indepth soul-searching to find out whether both of you can accept the fact that before you, the child existed and had a life and history and family. If you can't then please reconsider adopting. Kind regards,Dickons

For me personaly I feel that if I met my biological parents and we had a good relationship I would call them mom or dad and I would continue to call the parents that raised me mom and dad to. I don't believe there is a rule you can only call 1 set of parents mom and dad. My take on it.