Considering an open adoption: Advice please!

Not that I have ANY experience in this (we are just starting our process) I can say that I really think you should go with your gut. Listen carefully to what that voice is telling you. If you do decide to maintain contact - set clear boundaries from the start. And has horrible as it sounds - maybe get it in writing so that everyone knows how things will be. Now, in a couple of years - you might want to change the agreement and thats OK. So - just two cents from someone with no experience! :) Good luck to you!

We have contact with the paternal grandparents of our kids half-brother (no biological relation). Visitation started when they were FKs. We were not allowed to be there for fear that the kids would want to be with us rather than visit. About a year ago, we were allowed to start supervising visitation. We get together about once a month and let the kids play, visit, etc. It has actually been really good. I would take it slow and just see how things go. In our case, the bdad of half-brother is not allowed to come to visits - which made for some hard questions when it was half-brother's birthday party! But they have been very respectful of our kids needs and are very happy that they still get to be involved in their lives. It is nice to see that they have other family that loves them since we have never met any birth family.

We have continued contact with our girls grandma (the girls lived with her for a time before coming to us) We send her pictures and letters and keep in touch via email and Facebook. I think that it has been wonderful for our girls to keep that connection to their past. We have tried to meet with grandma once a year but she is out of state which makes things difficult. I would encourage you to keep that door of communication open. In the long run I think it is so important for our kids to be able to have a connections with their birth families.

I guess one thing I am struggling with is the fact that now grandma seems to expect weekly phone calls. How do I figure out what is best for all parties? How do I ensure our privacy? And how do I ensure grandma isn't passing on info to bio dad? Also, I guess their is a family friend that grandma has been told isn't allowed to have any contact with the children (including gifts) yet grandma bought a gift from this woman, who went on and on about how she loved them as if "she had carried them in her womb". I am not for sure how to feel about all this. I don't want to be obligated for weekly phone calls, nor do I like being made feel guilty when grandma sends a email stating she is disappointed she didn't hear from the kids as often as she likes. I am really torn...grandma does seem like a nice person and I want to do what is best for my kids. I just don't know how to figure out how much, what type of contact will be best!

Evaluate the situation -- Does Grandma know you don't want weekly phone calls? Have you set any boundaries? You need to find those boundaries, set them, and decide on the consequences if those boundaries are broken. She can't know she is "too much" if you haven't told her what you expect.

I would start out very slow. It's good that you got a chance to meet her before the adoption was finalized. It will give you an idea of who she is wether it's a good idea or not based on how she interacted with them/you and the rules. It seems you already have an issure with her working around the rules and that may be a problem. I would not set up weekly visits/phone calls etc. That may be overwhelming for you. Think long and hard about "long term" what you see best for your children. You said this was great-grandma so it sounds like she won't be around for long (or she may be, depending on her age and health). What kind of relationship do you see having with her 5, 10 years from now? I would definatly recommend keeping the door open but I would come up with a plan that fits your family regarding contact. How often and in what ways you feel best meets the needs of your children and family and go from there.