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SORRY - VERY LONG...
My DD is 6 year old, adopted from Guatemala and brought home at 13 months of age. She has cerebral palsy, learning disabilities, visual issues, and celiac disease. She has some gross/fine motor issues due the cerebral palsy. She is extremely smart, has an unbelievable memory, and is very articulate and friendly. She's had some behavior issues during the past several years (uncontrollable tantrums, screaming, hitting, etc.). Her behavior seemed to improve drastically when she started kindergarten. However, we went on a 2-week vacation last month and since then things have been terrible. My aunt, who used to work at our pediatrician's office, witnessed one of the tantrums and said she has never seen anything like that before. If DD's routine is disrupted, she just can't deal with it. The tantrums are completely out of control, she throws things, spits, pinches, screams, says she hates us, that we don't love her and we think she's stupid. She told me she can't stop/doesn't know how to stop the tantrums.
When she has a tantrum, I remove her from the situation if possible. If I try to put her in time out because she has said or done something unkind, she will immediately apologize and resist being put in time out. She will scream that she needs a hug and grab on to my clothing.
I am reading a book called The Explosive Child which says to find out what is causing the tantrums so they can be stopped before they start. I can't find any reason for her tantrums nor can I predict when they are going to happen. We were in the store the other day and she got angry for no reason. She was bouncing in her wheelchair and screaming. I asked her several times to stop bouncing because it was unsafe and said I would have to take away her award if she did not stop, which was an Icee (slushy drink). I gave her 3 warnings and then told her she would not get the Icee. This set her off and it just got worse. I tried to ignore the screaming and finished my shopping. When my back was turned, she removed her glasses and crushed/destroyed them. Her behavior is extremely disruptive and stressful for our family.
My friend is taking classes to become a foster parent and the classes talked about various issues, including fetal alcohol syndrome. My friend thought that my DD could possibly have FAS, based on her behavior issues. I agree that it is extremely likely. I took DD to our pediatrician last week who referred us to a psychologist. She is also going to evaluate my DD for ADHD. We have not seen the psychologist yet. She does not have any behavior issues at school and the doctor felt this was a positive thing because she was able to control herself sometimes.
I just feel like the worst mother in the world. I don't know what is wrong with her or how to help her. I am mentally exhausted. My husband works a lot so I am often alone. I am also terrified that her behavior will get worse. I also have an 11 year old daughter and I feel bad because I have to spend so much time dealing with these behaviors, not to mention all of the therapies and appointments that she often has accompany us to. My older daughter is very patient and loving toward her sister.
Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything specific I should talk to the psychologist about? Thank you.
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((((HUGS))))! I so get it. First of all, you are a great Mom. You are reaching out & looking for solutions for your daughter. People who have never parented a traumatized child don't get it. Traditional parenting methods typically do not work. Time outs etc backfire at my house. So, we do time-ins. Your daughter is telling you what she wants. She needs you to hold her to help her calm down. Go ahead & give it to her. She can't control it at times. My daughter is the same way. There are times when behavior goes off the charts. I found that taking my daughter on errands makes things worse. So, I had to hire someone to run errands for me. My daughter loves to go to stores but she just gets too overwhelmed by it all. Transitions are hard on her. We had a 7 hour transition time once to get in the car to go to Target. We never made it to Target. That is when I realized that going into stores freak her out. No wonder she would beat me up all the time. My daughter came to me at 4 weeks of age. I started seeing behavior issues at 14 months of age. They only escalated. Not normal behavior for her age. It was out of control tantrums. What helped us the most was taking the Beyond Consequences parenting class online. The program is designed for children with a trauma background. Heather Forbes, who developed the program, is a Mom of 2 children adopted from Russia. So, she gets it. Totally different parenting model. I would encourage you to check it out. [url=http://www.beyondconsequences.com]Heather T. Forbes, LCSW[/url]
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When you went on the vacation, did your dd go along, or was she left with a caregiver? If she was left home while you were gone, she is reacting to you leaving her. Kids like this are very fearful of losing another person in their life. Or maybe just the change in routine was what set her off. My adopted kids NEED a consistant routine... otherwise they go crazy !!:woohoo:
We went away for 2 days once, and my 4 year old, wouldn't talk to me for a week,and had horrible tantrums. He normally doesn't do that.
Have you read much about attachment disorder? Sounds like that 's what you could be dealing with. Perhaps an evaluation with a therpist that specializes in dealing with adopted kids could help you out.
:grouphug:
parenting-over-40
((((HUGS))))! Time outs etc backfire at my house. So, we do time-ins. Your daughter is telling you what she wants. She needs you to hold her to help her calm down. Go ahead & give it to her. She can't control it at times.]
Thank you for your responses. We took our dd with us on vacation (I could never be away from my kids for more than one night!). On our trip, we drove from the Northeast to Florida and she was an ANGEL on the car ride. The second we arrived in Florida, she was a mess.
I do find that it helps to outline our plans for the day. I also give her expectations for her behavior. I had a sticker chart for a long time which really helped and when we went on vacation I stopped doing it. The doctor suggested I start up again. I will also try the "time ins."
I have a call into the psychologist and will ask about attachment issues. I think there are so many things going on in her brain and she just needs help. We do have a lot of good days, but the bad days can be pretty bad. Thank you again for your advice!
I have two kids who have issues with changes of schedule. My oldest bio whose diagnosis is Aspergers. Many people just assume classic autism, but Aspergers can present very differently, my son is very smart, very articulate. He is in College now, but he had a lot of quirks when he was younger. Sensory things and fixations and could not handle changes of plans. One thing that helps him is on days when things were going to be different (think Christmas eve) I would give him a printed schedule of what was going to happen that day. He would carry it around all day. If I needed to make a change I would print a new schedule and exchange it for the old one, somehow having one printed from the computer was different than a hand written one and seemed to help. My other child with issues is also in a wheelchair. He has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder and a few other things stemming from early trauma. I do find that many specialists will overlook emotional issues like this in a kid with physical issues. I think they are just too focused on the other issues, my husband thinks that people feel it's not fair for a kid to have both so they will not want to believe the kid who has obvious physical issues can have emotional ones too.
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parenting-over-40
What helped us the most was taking the Beyond Consequences parenting class online. The program is designed for children with a trauma background. Heather Forbes, who developed the program, is a Mom of 2 children adopted from Russia. So, she gets it. Totally different parenting model. I would encourage you to check it out. [URL="http://www.beyondconsequences.com"]Heather T. Forbes, LCSW[/URL]
My son is 8 and also adopted from Guatemala. We brought him home at 7 months old. The "alphabet soup" for him is ADHD, SPD (sensory processing disorder) and possible ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). To say that he is a challenging kid to parent is putting it mildly.
He is currently taking Vyvanse for the ADHD and it does help tremendously especially at school. He is in second grade and has only had what I would consider age appropriate issues at school (talking, playing in line, etc.), but no major tantrums or melt downs at school. Like your daughter, he saves all of that for me at home.
Traditional parenting does not work for him either. I took him to a psychologist when he was 5 who told me that I just wasn't doing time out properly. I needed to be consistent and it would work. I'm sorry, but it should not take 8 hours to get a child to do a 5 minute time out while all the while he is screaming, hitting, kicking, spitting and destroying things. Time ins were definitely what worked for him. He was calm, I was calm and he was remorseful and apologetic about what he had done.
Vacations are always hard for him. It takes him 1-2 days to settle in and then a week or more for him to adjust once we are home. He was moved around a lot as an infant and I think that it is this trauma that causes this behavior. The psychologist did not agree with me and said that his behavior was/is manipulative. Needless to say we no longer go there. The professional that has helped us the most and "gets" my son is his OT. According to her the multiple moves and losses effect the same area of his brain as the ADHD and SPD. It may not be the "cause" of his other issues, but it certainly had some impact on him.
He also has separation anxiety beyond what is age appopriate. He only ever stays with extended family and never over night, but he is still anxious when he is away from me. Of course, the psychologist said that this is manipulative but I know that it's not.
We are going through a rough patch of behavior right now, but I haven't been able to identify the cause. I am rereading The Explosive Child right now to try and get a handle on him. Just the other week he got upset about something and we were sitting in the car together trying to calm down. He kicked a crack in the windshield with his bare foot! Thank goodness he didn't put it the whole way through, but the entire windshield had to be replaced.
You are NOT a bad mom. You are a great mom because you are trying to figure this out. I know how tired and exhausted you are. It's hard on the siblings, too. I wish that I had a magic answer for you (and me and everyone else), but I don't. Just hang in there as best you can, know that you're not alone and that there are people here who get it. I have almost no one IRL who understand what I go through with my son and understand his behavior. I get so tired of people offering advice that I already know doesn't help or feel like he can control this if he really wants to.