really struggling with it all

i forgot to mention i suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for few years they stopped 2 years ago and have now come back in last month :(

I think you have to weigh it out. It's important to assess the toll it's taking on you. Trying to deal with all of the emotions is overwhelming. I don't really understand how anyone should be expected to embrace everyone in the family's issues when you are dealing with the unresolved issues with your adoption and reunion with your birthfather. That being said no one operates in a vacuum and of course his partner is someone he wants to insure is comfortable. I think the best thing is to be honest and to insure that you inform her it's okay to tell you straight up if she's feeling left out or whatever. Trying to reassure people isn't easy and you are not to blame for your father's reaction nor are you capable of reassuring her regarding her place in his heart. Take it slow and easy and don't feel obligated to make rash decisions. It's takes time. Give yourself some slack. Nobody is going anywhere and you have all the time you need if you both just realize it. Take care and good luck.

Star99 - what you're feeling is completely normal! Don't for a second think it's not. It is very common for this to happen around the 9 month mark (coincidence? I don't think so). Please don't worry about feeling needy. Psychologists have reported that very often (this def. happened to me) that we regress when we're first in reunion. First parents are often taken back to the time when you were lost to them. They feel much younger, have a spring in their step, may act a little reckless or immature and adoptees often cycle through ages 4 to current in split seconds. Ever get that feeling that you're acting younger than you are or feeling like you did when you were a child? Needy and blurting things out like children do? It's not your fault and is to be expected. A very wise friend of mine explained that reunion doesn't bring pain in and of itself but it allows the pain that's been buried so deep for so long to come to the surface. When it hits you in the face all that you've missed there are bound to be enormous feelings. They don't have to overwhelm you. You don't have to fear your feelings. Even though it may feel like it, they won't kill you. I'm not making light of this because it really can feel like they will kill you. Allow yourself time to process all your feelings. Start a journal. Make lots of feeling statements. We can often go into over analysis mode of situations without actually acknowledging how we really feel about them. Lots of statements of I feel X (mad, sad, angry) because X. It helps to put things in perspective so you don't feel overwhelmed. Don't feel guilty if you have to let your dad know that you need to slow down for a bit. You are only responsible for your own feelings and not those of your dad's partner. The reality is that you have to grieve all your losses. We were not allowed to do that and reunion starts the grieving process. Many get stuck in denial, believe that reunion is the cause of the pain (it isn't - adoption is) and stop contact without ever resolving their feelings and pain. This unresolved pain and anger can then leak into and taint every other relationship. Anxiety and panic attacks are very common, too. Once you lose the fear of your feelings these will subside. For some excellent information that will help navigate you through this process please visit [url=http://www.adoptionhealing.com/]Adoption Healing[/url] I also recommend the facebook group Adoption Healing Network where you will find a dynamic group of adoptees and first parents. "Fitting In by Joe Soll, LCSW, author of Adoption Healing... a path to recovery At one of my weekly support group meetings, Reverend Mark, an adoptee, asked me what I thought 'acceptance means and how to achieve it. It made me think of how I was able to find a way to truly fit in. First, I had to stop thinking of myself as non-human. Just because I had a very different life experience than most people does not mean I am an alien. Just because people do not understand me, does not mean I am a fake. I did a lot of logical thinking and then explained this to my inner child. As a child, I was put in the wrong movie immediately after my birth. No clue as to the plot or what had transpired before I was in the scene. I had to find a way to adapt to the script laid out by others. As an adult, I was able to see I had choices. Without being in touch with my inner most feelings, I could never know who I truly was or what I truly wanted to do with my life. So, I went on my mourning journey. I had to cry about everything I had lost. My mother, my relationship with my mother and the special moments I would have had with her. I had to cry about my lost heritage, losing my clan. I had to give up and mourn the magical thinking that one day the nightmare would end and I would be able to start over with my own mother. I had to cry, soul cry actually, until I didn’t need to cry anymore. I needed to do this crying with others who understood and who could give me words of comfort, words no one gave me as a child. Crying until one doesn’t need to anymore does not mean there is no sadness... it means that the sadness is no long a problem. It’s in its proper place with my other life experiences I had to learn healthy ways of expressing my rage about all that I had grieved for, all that I had lost. I had to express my anger until I didn’t need to express it anymore. Expressing anger until one doesn’t need to anymore does not mean there is no anger... it means that the anger is no long a problem. It’s in its proper place with my other life experiences. When all this grieving and anger was all dealt with, I could start to let people in, start to feel connected. To do that I had to realize that I could not be abandoned so that even if I let someone in and they left, it would be sad but not an abandonment. The inner child work that allowed me to do this allowed me to feel connected to people which allowed me to start to feel connected to the world, to the human race. When I found out through DNA testing that my natural mother was part Asian, I immediately started to learn and speak Korean and Mandarin, even sign my name in both languages. This gave me a connection to my past, the only truth I know about my beginnings and was the final piece I needed to truly fit in. To belong here on earth with others. By doing this grieving, ranting along with the necessary inner child work, I was finally able to enjoy holidays and even my birthday. I came to believe that my mother is with me all the time. I was part of her body and still am and she is part of my body and therefore part of my life. All of this brings me joy, peace and contentment. Finally I feel whole and at one with life. During this process, I realized that to appreciate what we do have, we need to grieve what we do not have. This will allow us to enjoy Holidays, Birthdays and other events that we now avoid! One other thing. I came to realize that my strength to face my demons is genetic. The strength to do this work is genetic, our looks, our intelligence, our talents are genetic. All of these blessings are from our natural family. I became proud of my genes and that too, is part of the healing process and part of fitting in. Finally, I have come to know that given the horror of losing my mother at birth, an unchangeable fact, I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life than I’ve been doing. I’d change the hand I was dealt at the beginning, but I’d not change how I’m playing it! This process really works if you work it. I pray you do."

Thank u for both taking time to reply, i guess like any reuion theres lots more to it, i guess what makes my story bit different is my dad walked away/was pushed out by my nan so my mum moved on and married someone else and he apodoted me, my dad seen my mum when i was 13 but he said no bout meeting me, even though ive had good upbring i have alway felt like outsider like i was only blond hair blue eyes left hsnded had perticular allergies so small but like there was something missing now i know what! Lsst sept when i meet my dads family it was like i instantly belonged that hole was filled my half brothers had blond hair blue eyes left handed same random allergies, and they instantly made me feel like i ws part of there family i felt i belonged, now i feel i dont have right to b part of there family, and i feel im grevieing for that missing part of me that was filled in sept but not now :(

Thank u for both taking time to reply, i guess like any reuion theres lots more to it, i guess what makes my story bit different is my dad walked away/was pushed out by my nan so my mum moved on and married someone else and he apodoted me, my dad seen my mum when i was 13 but he said no bout meeting me, even though ive had good upbring i have alway felt like outsider like i was only blond hair blue eyes left hsnded had perticular allergies so small but like there was something missing now i know what! Lsst sept when i meet my dads family it was like i instantly belonged that hole was filled my half brothers had blond hair blue eyes left handed same random allergies, and they instantly made me feel like i ws part of there family i felt i belonged, now i feel i dont have right to b part of there family, and i feel im grevieing for that missing part of me that was filled in sept but not now :(

Thank u for both taking time to reply, i guess like any reuion theres lots more to it, i guess what makes my story bit different is my dad walked away/was pushed out by my nan so my mum moved on and married someone else and he apodoted me, my dad seen my mum when i was 13 but he said no bout meeting me, even though ive had good upbring i have alway felt like outsider like i was only blond hair blue eyes left hsnded had perticular allergies so small but like there was something missing now i know what! Lsst sept when i meet my dads family it was like i instantly belonged that hole was filled my half brothers had blond hair blue eyes left handed same random allergies, and they instantly made me feel like i ws part of there family i felt i belonged, now i feel i dont have right to b part of there family, and i feel im grevieing for that missing part of me that was filled in sept but not now :(

Thank u for both taking time to reply, i guess like any reuion theres lots more to it, i guess what makes my story bit different is my dad walked away/was pushed out by my nan so my mum moved on and married someone else and he apodoted me, my dad seen my mum when i was 13 but he said no bout meeting me, even though ive had good upbring i have alway felt like outsider like i was only blond hair blue eyes left hsnded had perticular allergies so small but like there was something missing now i know what! Lsst sept when i meet my dads family it was like i instantly belonged that hole was filled my half brothers had blond hair blue eyes left handed same random allergies, and they instantly made me feel like i ws part of there family i felt i belonged, now i feel i dont have right to b part of there family, and i feel im grevieing for that missing part of me that was filled in sept but not now :(

Thank u for both taking time to reply, i guess like any reuion theres lots more to it, i guess what makes my story bit different is my dad walked away/was pushed out by my nan so my mum moved on and married someone else and he apodoted me, my dad seen my mum when i was 13 but he said no bout meeting me, even though ive had good upbring i have alway felt like outsider like i was only blond hair blue eyes left hsnded had perticular allergies so small but like there was something missing now i know what! Lsst sept when i meet my dads family it was like i instantly belonged that hole was filled my half brothers had blond hair blue eyes left handed same random allergies, and they instantly made me feel like i ws part of there family i felt i belonged, now i feel i dont have right to b part of there family, and i feel im grevieing for that missing part of me that was filled in sept but not now :(

Can you explain why you don't feel like you have a right to be a part of their family? Have you been able to have an open conversation with your father? Do you fear that he'll want to stop having a relationship with you? You are his blood, you have every right to have a relationship with your father and your siblings. Can all those good feelings and fitting in that you describe be wiped out by one action from father's partner? I don't think so! I suggest you have a conversation with your father because my feeling it's not as bad as you are thinking. Sometimes we sabotage relationships because we fear the vulnerability that comes from loving others. We don't want them to hurt us so we cut it off before they can.

I guess I feel I can't be part of my dads partners family as she is main person in it etc, I feel like I'm Intruding in on her family and it isn't mine, me and my dad talk he only has spoke to me about life like doesn't talk to anyone else including her which I know she doesn't like, which does make it a bit awarkard at times I want him to talk to everyone, I do tell my dad what makes me sad he knows I blurt out it all to him, he's v complex its hard to explain

Tracing your biological parents is such an emotional journey. I have traced both my parents my mother has since passed but I am very close to my biological father and speak to him every day. But I wasnt prepared for the problems which it has caused within his and my family. When I traced my dad I was totally besotted by my him and couldnt talk about anything else and think about anything else and felt it just took over my life. I dont know if anyone else has felt like this but this in itself can cause problems within the family and perhaps this is what is affecting your dads partner she might be feeling a little excluded.

Fitnfunky I totally haveing same thing, I can not think of anything else and it's the same for my dad as he tells me so I guess that's not good for his partner, my fianc has had issues over it but we r talking more about it now which is helping, we used to speak ever day but that has become more like very other day/ few days as it was too much, can I ask how old r u? I'm 29 does he have any other children? R they related to u at all?

Hi Star99I am now 51 years old I traced my dad for the first time when I was 26 and due to family dynamics as I said before we didnt keep in touch. My dad lives in Washington and I live over in UK. We spoke now and again but that was all. Then after over 20 years I just felt i wanted to make contact again and see him as I had lost my father and mother that had adopted me and didnt feel i was betraying them. So I contacted him and went to see him two years ago now and we have been in contact every day since. He has a daughter who is younger than me and a grandson who is like his son. Heres my email address drop me an email and I will talk to you more fitnfunkyshaz@hotmail.com. Shaz x