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I would really just like to express myself and recieve any advice or suggestions for my situation. Please do not judge me because I am simply being honest and trying to do what's best for me and my baby. I have a beautiful one year old but everyday is like a nightmare and many days I wish that I would wake up and it all be over. My story is long so please bear with me. I have always wanted children since I was younger and I even remember saying that I wanted ten someday. Growing up I always knew that stability was very important to me and I even wrote my college essay about it. I also knew that I didn't want kids until I was ready and able to take care of them the way that I desired and I prayed for it many times growing up because I knew how hard it would be for me to deal with. I have multiple sclerosis and my doctors told me that I may not be able to have children someday because of the meds I've taken. When I was twenty I got pregnant by an old high school friend. We were never together and I never wanted to be with him we just got drunk one night and it happened. I began to have terrible morning sickness to the point where I thought that I was having an exacerbation with my ms. My ex boyfriend took me to the hospital and I found out I was pregnantt. I had mixed feelings. On one hand I knew that the situation was not ideal and I was not ready but on the other hand I was excited because I didn't even think that I could get pregnant. Me and my ex boyfriend have always had a very close friendship and that night we went to my apartment to and discussed the situation. I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do abortion but I also knew that I didn't want my baby to grow up without a father. I grew up in a two parent home and I wanted the same for my baby. At the time I had an apartment, full time job, and was a full time student. We joked about me having to move back home because I appeared to be doing so good but I immediately told him that I would rather do adoption if that were to happen. I know we laughed it off but deep inside I always knew that I meant it and that if things weren't a certain way that I would want to do adoption. He agreed that we both would raise my baby and he would be his father even though we were not together and had no intention of being together. I know it sounds crazy but we have always had a special relationship so it didn't matter to me that it was abnormal. He has always been the person in my life that I could talk to about anything and vice versa. Also I don't have many friends and he's always been like my best friend. That night after we talked we went shopping for groceries and he started crying at the store but I didn't understand why. I was so excited in the beginning of my pregnancy. I fantasized about how amazing it would be to have a baby of my own and the things that we would do together. I felt so in love. Growing up I was very close to my father but I always wanted to have a close relationship with my mother. I always thought that she didn't like me or was envious of me. My father was the first person I told and he immediatatley asked me if I was sure that I wanted to do this. I told him that I didn't believe in adoption and that was it. My mother even met me for lunch one day and asked me the same thing and I told her the same. Well one thing led to another and because of me being of work for so long because of my morning sickness I moved back home when I was five months pregnant. My mood immediately changed. Also my sister was in a terrible accident and I guess reality just hit me. I realized that I was not ready to raise my baby the way that I wanted or even if I could at all. I never had time before and I definitly didn't have it now. I tried to tell my family that I wanted to do adoption bud they would not hear it. I even tried to tell my ex boyfriend but he told me no and that I shouldn't do it. They told me that I was crazy and that I was just scared but I knew that it was what I wanted for me and my baby. I even found a good chri stian adoption agency but it killed me when I went to discuss the plans with them and I never got time to make the arrangements before my baby was born early. When my baby was born I knew I loved him and that he was beautiful. I just didn't know what to do. I took him home and began to care for him but I soon began to feel that I had to do adoption. I got back in touch with the agency and began to go through profiles. I found a good couple that I wanted to do the adoption with. By this time I knew that my family had began to have feelings for my baby. I got to the day that I had set up the meeting for me to sign my relinquishment papers but I knew that I couldn't just take my baby without telling my family. They yelled at me and I told them that I would kill myself if I didn't do the adoption. My family thought that I needed to see a doctor and if I still felt the same way they would accept it. So I went to my obgyn and she put me on zoloft and reccommended I go to a counseling group before I make my decision. She said that my baby is still young and I had plenty of time to do adoption. Also the week after I had my baby my mother was diagnosed with the final stage of breast cancer. The reason that this has taken me so long is because I didn't want to hurt my family more. My mom even told me that she wouldn't even try to fight if I did it and my dad told me that it is like murder to do adoption. My mom is very ill and to this day I remember the day that we met for lunch and how much she has changed in a year's time. I can't believe it. This situation has brought us closer than ever but I don't know what to do. Also while at counseling I had an exacerbation with my ms and was unable to finish. I lost my own health for months which delayed me decision even more. My mom is so sick that I feel bad about even trying to talk to her about it but I still try. Just yesterday when I was bathing her I tried to tell her and she asked was it just that I didn't want the responsibility and I didn't know what to say. I feel like so many people have tried to tell me how I feel for wanting to do adoption or what I should do that I have lost myself in this whole situation. I was even submitted to a mental hospital this year for evaluation. Also my exboyfriend had began to shy away from my baby and I. He will watch my baby for me sometimes but he only comes around when he gets free time. I asked if he still wanted to adopt my child and he said that he would like to work toward it. Wth is that? I don't have the option of working towards being his mom it doesn't work that way. Just the other day I asked him now did he see why I wanted to do adoption and he said that he just didn't want to see my baby go to strangers yet he does hardly anything with him. That's not his or anyone elses decision to make. Personally I think that adoption is a beautiful option. I know what it's like to think that you cant have children and I even considered adopting in the past. I feel like I made my decision no matter how late in my pregnancy and now I feel trapped in a situation that I don't want for my baby or me. Something so beautiful has turned so ugly and terrible. I have been to counseling and on meds but I still feel the same way. I feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands and thats a terrible feeling.
What do you do when you believe in something but the world is telling you that you're crazy. I am still working to do adoption but please HELPPP!!!!
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I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. There is no one single easy answer. The things that come to mind that I can suggest are 1. getting involved in regular weekly counseling sessions so that a professional can help you work through the situation and your feelings 2. Join a support group for young mothers so, at the very least, you have someone to share your feelings with who can relate to you 3. Get someone to help you take care of your baby. Look into affordable daycare centers or preschools in your town, for example. Or find someone who is willing to care for your child for a few hours a day in exchange for your helping him/her in some way with housework or whatever. Taking care of a child all day is a tremendous amount of work even when you're healthy and feeling good. Search, search and search some moer for childcare options that will give the care that your son needs and the space that you need to sort through everything.It sounds as if you're in a fairly desperate, and maybe even dangerous situation. If you don't know where exactly to turn, find a social service agency that might be able to refer you to counseling, to support groups and to childcare facilities in your area. Accept that you are human and that there are limits to what you can handle on your own.Good luck to you!!
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Are you still taking Zoloft. If so be careful. It sounds like you went to the hospital after having taken it for some time.
Zoloft is a derivative of Prozac and it has very bizarre side effects for some people.
You need to follow your gut. If you feel you are not able to parent your child you have the right to make that decision. Forget your parents and your boyfriend's opinions and get in touch with what you are capable of doing.
Reading your comment made my head spin. I can almost feel the manic part of what's going on for you. Go to a doctor and try to tell him when this started.
You have enough on your plate as it is. Parenting isn't easy and with a significant health issue and the issues with your mother and the lack of insight from your boyfriend although you say he's your friend...no wonder you are overwhelmed. Listen to your gut.
Contact an agency and explain the situation. It will give you some breathing room. Maybe you just need some space and time to come to a clear decision. You can't please everyone and you sound like you are trying to do that.
This child will need a clear and present mother. You need to have some time to decide what you are capable of taking on. Take your time and stick to your guns.
Maybe they could set up a temporary foster situation where you could get some help. That child has bonded to a degree I am sure. It's never too late to do the right thing. If you wanted to give the child up in the first place and you are still feeling that way it seems the decision has been made already and your are fighting against your better judgement.
@murphymalone I am no longer taking Zoloft but another med. I realized that it was making me crazy and when I spoke to my neurologist she took me off of it and put me on a better med for my condition. I feel like what's driving me crazy is that I know how I feel but I have been holding it in because everyone around me tells me that I would be crazy to do adoption. Another thing that makes my decision harder is that I still live at home so it's not like I can just do the adoption and be alone or around supportive people. On top of all of this I have developed a bond with my baby which makes me even crazier. I don't think that anyone has ever even realized how hard it was for me to even come to this decision in the first place. Thank you for your advice and I think you're right about the time aspect. I need some time to be alone to think and sort my thoughts out. I really don't want to do the foster care for the sake of my baby. @saltyqueen thanks for your advice as well and I will definitely try.
I had my own issues with Zoloft that's why I said something. A bonehead Doctor put me on it and when I listened to the people around me and went back to see him he said "oh it takes time for it build up just keep taking it."
I was spinning like a top. Turned out I was having an allergic reaction to the crap. If fact I was on the verge of a significant situation. Sweating, red faced, couldn't concentrate. Terrible.
Anyway I hope that you can find the answers you need. Good luck to you. I can fully understand why it would be hard to use foster care. I hope everything works out.