Who do you tell?

I don't consciously choose when I do or do not tell someone, if I do tell them it usually comes out at random. I don't always like talking about it openly in close circles because the questions and comments I hate always come up, i.e.:Do you wanna meet your birthmom? Why did she give you up? Wow, you're so lucky. I wish I was adopted.You must feel so loved.

For years, I never told anyone but close friends. The people who mostly knew were old friends of my mother who knew her before the adoption took place and our family. My mother and first father were married during her pregnancy and we lived together as a family for the first few years of my life. They eventually divorced and my first father stopped coming around to see me and pay child support. My mother remarried and my step father adopted me within a few short months of the wedding. I almost never told people I was adopted by an adoptive dad because it hurt when people would say, "Your dad is not your REAL dad!?" and things llike it. It hurt because I knew I had a real dad who was in my same town and never saw me or felt a need to be my father. Having people know it made it something I had to face and it hurt too much. So, it was easier to pretend it wasn't there by not talking about it. Also, to live and act like my adoptive dad was "my all over dad" made me feel more normal. I think I felt these things because I had vague memories of my first father and remembered meeting my adoptive dad. Even as a young child, I always knew he was the substitute. I had an unsuccessful reunion with my first father and my attitude changed. Now, I will tell it to some people when it is an appropriate time or related to some discussion. I do it because I have found it helps me to accept what happened and that I have had a good life with some traumas as the result of being a daughter with father wounds.

Hey Richard, I read your post on sharing the fact that you were adopted.I never shared my adoption story unless there was a reason, or I was particularly close to a special individual.My reasons for not sharing were basic. First I never felt anyone not being a part of the adoption triad would have any interest in hearing an adoption story.Secondly the few people with whom I shared my story nearly always had the same reaction.They wanted to pity me as tho I had a terminal disease, or they got overwhelmed and left. I never saw them again.When I was young, up till the age of 15 we lived in a small town and my most important goal was to be an equal like all my school mates and buds. I thot I could do this by getting acceptance from my a-family. Once they recognized that I had merit and could be valued, they would let me in to my a-family.By having value and gaining admittance to a family, I was sure this would wash away my adoption and I would become an equal with everyone. Nothing could have been further from the truth.I never got the worth I was seeking from my a-family, and no family admittance.But then we moved away. No one asked about adoption, and I never shared.I was never admitted to my a-family, but the "outsider" status didn't matter once we moved. If I never shared my adoption story, no one knew and I was an equal.From then on, my story stayed locked away and I never worried who or how anyone would know. To all my friends, school buds. and people in general, I was an equal.I wish you the best.

Richard, I think the reactions you will/do receive will be different than what I received or Drywall received. I am from the BSE period where mothers really had little to no choice due to societal expectations and most period knew someone or someone who knew someone who disappeared for a period of time to a maternity home or relative under the excuse of caring for a sick relative. Most in my generation understood it was just the way things were - they either took the risk of having a back alley abortion (and the consequences) or going away and coming home without baby. Of course growing up old biddy's talked behind your back about being born on the wrong side of the blanket, or how your mother didn't wait until marriage and about the shame, but no one as an adult peer thought a lot of it and just accepted it as what happened. You are from a time period most will assume was truly voluntary (although I believe many mothers really had no choice). You may experience a small percentage who will react negatively - asking if your mother was drug addict of some sort, or cold hearted, or be over the moon with she chose life because you could have been aborted*. Overall - most will just accept that it is what it is. They may have some questions about what it is like - but they really are because it is the opposite of what they have experienced. Just normal curiosity. *You should think about the "you could have been aborted" statement and how that will bother you or perhaps be okay for you. To me it is not okay because it makes an assumption that "abortion" would have even be something my mother would have considered, and is an arrogant judgemental assumption about someone they have no insight into. I react to the "be thankful she chose life" as a direct slap in the face simply because they have judged her. I don't deal with that type of individual and choose not to have them as friends because their character is judgemental and harmful. I don't disclose unless it is relevant to the conversation, but eventually the fact does become relevant at some point in any relationship. Then I just say I am adopted. Usually it doesn't made any difference - probably 98% of the time. Being adopted is different than the norm but it isn't shameful. It is just different - we don't share genes. I share different amounts of my story to different people depending on the relationship. Kind regards,Dickons

Hello, here is my input, I never tell anyone except very close friends, because I hate talking about it, it's a very sensitive subject for me, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or ask me personal questions.Have a nice evening :) Sophie.

I'm was transracially adopted so its always been obvious with my parents being white and me being black. I'm not one to openly talk about anything really. if someone asks about it I'll answer as long as they actually care and aren't just curious. basically Everton.e who knows my family knows I'm adopted. I try to keep the details to myself. only my close friends know them. I just hate when people use adoption to say that I have to think a detain way. ie. since I'm adopted I can't support abortion. the political stuff is also why I don't talk about it.

I don't view adoption as shameful, so I don't feel the need to be secretive.For me, hiding the fact that I am adopted would make me feel as though I am taking on my b-mother's shame. And, I am not ashamed. I am adopted. It's just a fact.I say it in a matter-of-fact manner, so people just hear it and move on. Sometimes people ask the questions. That's okay with me. Most people don't know any adoptees. It's oky to ask. I've only hear one comment that I did not like after I told someone I was adopted: "Oh, we love adoptive parents." It irked me. It was done in a sing-song manner. Adoptive parents are just people. They didn't save me from a miserable existence. I don't like the implications within that statement.But, on the whole, telling people I'm adopted is like telling people I am Italian. It doesn't cause a lot of discussion. It's just a fact.

Same here. That assumption really angers me. I've never hid it. There just never seemed to be a reason to hide it. It doesn't often come up, but if it does I have no problem talking to people about it.

I am pretty open about my adoption, have been ever since childhood. I don't bring it up unsolicited, but I don't hide it. I think this was due to the way I was raised and my a-parents' attitudes towards adoption. I really don't mind when people ask me questions, because I enjoy educating people on things that they otherwise might never know about. And it gives me an opportunity to reflect on my own experiences.I've learned to take people's reactions with a grain of salt though. In trying to predict on how someone will react you might as well be rolling a 20-sided die. Everything from "that's SO cool!" to " I'm so sorry!" to "do you think your brother's hot? I mean, you're technically not related so...." Sometimes I feel like people treat me like some sort of freak side show: "everything you ever wanted to know about adoption but was afraid to ask" and it's a lot of pressure because I DON'T have all the answers and still navigating all of my experiences and feelings. It gets to me sometimes, trying to be patient with them, but every so often I meet someone who seems genuinely interested and understanding and DOESNT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS. They ask questions because they're interested in ME, not interested in the fact that I'm different. God, it's so nice when that happens. :)Part of what has really gotten me to be more resilient is the fact that I'm gay so I've had to come out to LOTS AND LOTS of people over the years and had to choose how I will deal with this delicate piece of information about myself. I kept it bottled inside for a very long time until I finally learned that it's better in the end to just be open and candid with people even if you might get some weird reactions. I try to treat my adoption in the same way.

It's kind of an interesting question. I've never really considered it I guess because I just grew up knowing I was adopted and that was that. It doesn't tend to be a topic of conversation for me, any more than I imagine it's a topic of conversation for people who were born and stayed with their b-families to talk about their experiences. I will say that if the topic does somehow come up, the responses and attitudes that people have amaze me. I usually have to do the basic explanation of when I was adopted and so on, and I pretty much know that I will need to take into account that (IMHO) unless the person I'm speaking to has been involved in an adoption, they have no frame of reference to understand the guts of the topic. They may understand the process, who does what and how it works but when it comes to how the process makes participants feel and the impact it has on our lives they are almost always out of their depth. Well meaning, nice, supportive and engaging people, but out of their depth nonetheless. The only time the topic of being adopted has come up where it feels like a major issue is going to the doctor. When they ask me for what health problems ran in my family and I have to answer "I dunno because I was adopted" that feels like a failure of sorts. Which, of course, is one of the reasons for searching. ;)

I don't tell people unless it's relevant. That is unless I think they are worth telling. There are many people who forget to engage the switch to their brains if they have one before they start chirping. Luckily I have a pretty good handle on who they are before we are in range of having to have any conversation. Growing up in a small town there were no secrets everyone knew. Back then I was unique. I think there was only one other kid in school who knew like I did and we eyeballed each other from a distance. Funny we never really connected and talked about it. It's was kind of like having an extra toe not a big deal unless you got close. I will sometimes let people know because I get a sixth sense they might have some insight or something based on "hints" people drop. Then it's amazing to hear all the different strategies of coping with it. I am always gobsmacked at adopted people who have no desire to make a connection or search. It's kind of weird to me as I am sure I am to them.