Content but missing a piece of ... something, I don't know what though.

Hi, My Friend, No, I don't think that this is a matter of growing up. You were abandoned, as many of us were-in your case, not once, but your B-mother chose to keep appearing in what was likely a good family life, and then "reject" you all over again. Some of us don't ever say the "real" words, but quietly FEEL abandoned and rejected. I have to say that (unless you are not feeling enough permission to say otherwise) that you were one of the lucky ones who was adopted by folks who truly loved you and it sounds like they never made you feel anything but part of a loving family. Is this true for you, or do you want it to be true? I ask, because I was not so lucky, and my A-mother never really wanted children, found ways to avoid parenting, and finally admitted to me that she had never wanted children. Most awfully, she told me that after having adopted me, she did not want yet another child, but went along with it when my father insisted. I do believe that my father loves me and my sister, but in early years would not be around (he worked late in the city) except on Sunday which he spent with his children. My mother hated caring for sick people and often sent me to school with a high fever. She claimed that I was a hypochondriac, and pushed my doctor (never a pediatrician, but a diet doctor to whom many friends went) to believe this. That stopped after years of stomach pain ('"invented" by me) turned into an acute appendectomy. After the doctor made a house call, he was shocked to find how real was my pain and how seriously it had been overlooked. I was in surgery and my appendix out within 1/2 hour. I was in great pain, and the room was terribly overheated. My A- mom ( who volunteered at this hospital as it was "expected") left me in hospital, alone-never visited even though I called home asking where were they; she treated this as a vacation from what very little parenting she had done. That said, there came a time when we became "friends. She didn't care for children, but once I became of college age, there were a few idyllic years. It all felt different; we moved to a small "gentleman's farm" which I adored. I had always wanted to live on a farm. We had several picturesque Christmas and Thanksgiving times. Slowly, I realized that I was doing more and more of the work. I had a tiny top floor bedroom and, when they had moved my A-mom tossed out most of my things. Once I went to college, I came home to find only one drawer of belongings. At that, she then asked me if I wouldn't mind cleaning out that drawer before I returned for the semester. (I took the drawer and emptied it all into the trash; I was in real pain). Rather than going on, suffice it to say that my B-mother (or so I was told) gave me up at 18 years old, my A-parents wanted me to leave "home" (a home I truly and finally loved but my A-mother hated) at 18 years old and somehow get out of their way. So, it is hard for me to know whether you have that rare, special family who does not see you as other than a "real" daughter. If you have that, you are truly blessed. But, that will not help you feeling abandoned, and like many of us it may make it hard to stay in relationships. Most of the time, when I began to love someone or have something to lose, I "jumped before I was pushed". It was painful and an awful thing through which to go, but I guess it was safer for me to leave love than to feel abandoned yet again. You ask if this is a need to "grow up"; rather I think it is work we do to feel all right about taking care of ourselves. (For a long time, without understanding why, I bought things for myself that I did not need. I realize now that I was trying to fill that hole or "loss" about which you talk-that "sting". I think that it is great that you can come here while still young, and do the work of identifying the name of your pain. How you deal with it is another topic for a thread which I will, having remembered much-thanks to your post-perhaps begin. I will say that I really could relate to your post. After having my own first child, I was SO in love with him and subsequently, with his little brother that I began to realize the difference. No one could take them from me! :rolleyes: I wanted to give them the world! I realized then, that neither of my sets of parents had felt that love for me. It took years to work through anger/pain and more years to work on a civilized relationship with my A-parents. At nearly sixty, I am not sure what, if any relationship I want or need with parents. I think that we are all here to explore. Thanks for helping me remember some of my own work to do! Hugs, and blessings, LLAWEN

Makes perfect sense! All our lives we hear "blood is thicker than water", "she loved you enough to give you away", "there is nothing like a mother's love" and all those cliches and guess what, our Mom's gave us up! How can those things be true, and if they are, then what the heck happened? Seriously, there is something special about DNA, even if the person who supplied it isn't our ideal, or the person we want. There are TV shows about wanting to know our ancestry, and people are fascinated with genealogy. Why should we be any different? What becomes obvious though, is we don't live in the same family as our original history. Having the best family in the world doesn't change that. Hopefully, you'll learn to reconcile those things. No one wants to be given away, especially by the person society tells us should never leave us. You're normal. Some of us feel it more than others. I'd venture to say everyone on the board feels it to a degree. Not everyone here is interested in reunion, but simply meeting others who get being adopted.

Txrnr, Hi-thank you for your feedback...You are right about everything you wrote. I guess my other issue is the guilt at having just about everything and still not being able to rid myself of the abandonment crap. After writing out all that I have in my prior post, I suppose some of the feelings that I have, as well as others, need to be accepted and not fought. I fight the fact that I was given away rather than embrace that I was chosen specifically by a pair of people who would sacrifice anything for me. A huge thank you for saying that I am normal. As I'm sure you know sometimes people like us don't always feel like we are. [FONT="Garamond"][/FONT]

Your bio mom giving you up was probably not something she wanted to do (as you stated) she was forced. I can only imagen how hard that had to be for her. You sound like you have a wonderful life - I bet your bio mother feels quilty that she had to let you go, and is probably having a hard time dealing with that choice. You have to give yourself a break and her. I can tell how much you love your parents but also wish to have a connection with your birth mother. Don't give up, give her sometime to work this out in her head. Best of luck.

This situation sounds similiar to my adopted daughters. My dd is 10 now but she came to us through fostercare when she was a year old. Her birthmother had trouble getting her stuff together and ended up having another baby while still trying to get her first back. Our dd almost went home to her when she was 2 1/2 but everything changed at the last minute and birthmom was faced to make a choice. Sign away her rights to dd or risk loosing dd anyways as well as having her new baby come into care and loose her as well. By her actions she was forced to make that difficult choice to let go of my dd, even though it was not something she would have chosen had it not ocme down to that. We have remained in contact with dd's birthmom after her adoption but dd has many of those same feelings you describe. Since her birthmom relinquished she went through a real rough time with drugs initially and then changed her life around and continues to parent dd's birth sister. It hurts dd to know that her birthmom changed for her sister but not in time to get her back. There is an extra sense of rejection there (choosing one over the other) that maybe doesn't exist in other adoptions. My dd loves our family and wouldn't want to part from us but at the same time she feels a deep desire to be in the family she was born into and that abandonment really hurts her. She goes between anger for the choices her birthmom made that seperated them and sadness because she misses them and misses the life she might have had with them. I am sympathetic to her pain, I wish I could take it away, I wish we were "all" she needed but I know we aren't and that's okay. I understand her hurt and longing. I like what you said about perspective because at the end of the day you can't change the past, and you have no control over other people, but if you focus on all you do have rather than all you lost it makes a big difference. I wish I could see a future for my dd where the pain is gone but even if she grows to develop this amazing relationship with her birth family later in life, it won't change or make up for their lack of 'being there for her' when they needed to be years ago.

Yes it will be part of you forever. We are products of our environment, upbringing, Genes, plus our imagination and desires. These things make us who we are but we decide what we will become, sure we will all have our "hours of darkness" when feeling of hurt,despair and abandonment come to the fore. those times usually get shorter and less frequent as you progress through life. If you find your feelings are getting worse and more intense then please seek help, you are far to valuable a person to waste your life over what is after all the failings of another. Remember it's not your fault and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled.My thoughts are with youDave

Hi appetitw145, I do sympathize with her sometimes...however it has been 5 years since I found her and not much has changed. I feel that if things were handled different initially we would not be as far apart as we are now if that makes sense. Sometimes I think it's too late, I know it's not but since having cut off most ties with bio family my life is not as stressful as it was when I found them. I'm not as angry or sad. Sometimes, yes but not like before..I suppose at this point it's something where, I know where they are if I need them but I can live without it which sounds harsh but I feel I went out on a limb and did just about everything I could to accomodate them and their feelings and their handling of it was more of a slap in the face rather than them saying, "hey this is rough please give us time." So for me it's tough to cut them some slack when I feel like that's all I have ever done...thank you for your response and I consider your words as I think you are right about most of it. Take care and thank you again.

Hi there, I somehow missed your post and am so glad I saw it today. I feel sorry for your daughters feelings, however I take some comfort to know that there is someone else who has gone through almost the same situation as me. For a while there I thought I was the only one with said situation. I'm sorry what does the abbreviation dd mean? I have never seen it before. Trust me, on top of the anger and hurt and sadness etc I myself feel guilty because I don't want me parents thinking they are doing something wrong because I feel this way. And I think they do know that but I still feel like I hurt them with my own feelings regarding my adoption. It's such a sticky process, adoption. I could not be more grateful of the life I have been given but I hate the negative feelings that come with it. There are times I wish I waited to find my bio-family. At 18 your thoughts and feelings are different than those of when you are 23. And I could not agree more with the last thing you said about being there when they needed to be. I hope your daughter can come to terms with how things turned out...I was not at a good place with myself when I found/contacted my bio-parents, I think that had a lot to do with it. Please let her know that it might be best to find some sort of peace with herself before she goes on to contact and form a relationship with bio-family. It has lots of ups and downs and is extremely difficult to maintain, bio-parents are just as lost as us bio-children it seems. I went to therapy for some time to help me cope-however she decides to cope remind her as I'm sure you do, that she has a family who wanted her before they even knew or saw her. I believe the love my parents, those who adopted me, is stronger than any love I may have had biologically. Best of luck to both of you and thank you for your response, it is truly appreciated.

Good afternoon, I appreciate your bluntness. You are right...I feel like you were brutally honest with your words, and that's something a person needs sometimes, so for that I thank you. I guess my next step is accepting and dealing with the fact that it will be a part of me forever. I suppose once we stop fighting something that is when we can move forward with it. I look forward to the times when those hours are shorter and less frequent. As always, thank you for your feedback, I take great comfort in knowing there are kind people like you and everyone else on this forum. Thank you for your thoughts--

This is an honest question and truly not meant to be argumentative. Does it bring comfort to adoptees to believe they were abandonded and rejected? There is a reason why I ask this. I'm not sure if adoptees are unaware of the adoption industry and its tactics or if its society's pervasive views that cause this. The fact is, the huge majority of mothers did not 'abandon' and 'reject' their children. That most did not have a 'choice' but their children seem to almost universally (at least initially) refuse to believe that their mother had NO choice - even when shown documents that forced her to relinquish. Are adoptees aware of the numerous psychological studies that have been used and perfected so they can coerce women into relinquishing? That social workers and others use these tactics routinely (and may not even be aware of it)? I would be very interested in having adoptees read through the following information then still explain to me how they can believe they were abandonded. I understand that the child within may believe it but I don't see how the mature, intellectual adult can. [URL="http://www.originscanada.org/modern-day-coercion/"]Modern Day Coercion[/URL] [URL="http://www.originscanada.org/sales-and-marketing-techniques/"]Sales and Marketing Techniques[/URL] Withholding information is a form of coercion, too. [URL="http://www.originscanada.org/what-the-adoption-industry-does-not-want-you-to-know/"]Don't want you to know[/URL] Coercion is used subtly even in the everyday language we use. [url=http://www.originscanada.org/?s=coercion]coercion Language[/url] [URL="http://www.originscanada.org/coerced-adoptions-evidence-from-researchers/"]Evidence from researchers[/URL] [URL="http://adoptioncritic.com/2010/11/17/adoption-studies-on-taking-babies/"]List of studies on how to influence for adoption[/URL] Society and families 'abandonded' the mother LONG before a child is ever adopted. I have seen so much pain alleviated when it is understood that you were loved and wanted. If you can understand the forces at work and realize that most mothers didn't stand a chance, you will have much, much more compassion and empathy and much less pain.