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Last Saturday I found out I am a grandmother through a third party which is another story - son has a baby son - but my son doesn't want me to know. We haven't had contact for a long time anyway. Apparently it's not just me he wants completely out of his life forever he doesn't want his adoptive family in his life either. The person who told me did so because she felt I had a right to know but asked me not to contact him.
It's taken me a week to post as I've been very depressed. I was also having to deal with particularly malicious cyber bullying over a few months which became very vicious last weekend. Today is the first day I have managed not to get tearful. I learnt to deal with knowing my son doesn't want me in his life but now I have to deal with knowing I have a grandson I will never get to know.
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lost - so sorry to feel your pain. It never ends does it? Nobody told us when we were oh so young the pain would last until they planted us in the ground. And yes, although there are court orders out there that show we relinquished our babies, I don't believe that anywhere is it stated that we also give up all our rights to all future offspring of those relinquished children (grand-babies). There is nothing I can say to ease your pain, for I also feel it most days. Just know that you are not alone.
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My heart goes out to you. It just ain't fair is it. I cant imagine how I would feel if this happened to me. I have had some real rocky bits in my reunion with daughter but not to this extreme. And I feel sad for the wee boy who maybe won't get to know part of who he is. I say maybe coz none of us know what the future may bring.It sounds like he is punishing you and his aparents. Oh boy what else can I say...just take care of yourself, hope you are okay.
Susie
Oh, Lostmother, I'm so, so sorry! I am in reunion with my son and I know it would be so hard if we stopped communicating. If, on top of that, I became a grandma and was shut out, I know it would be devastating.
I wish things could be different for you. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better not knowing.....
When we are making this "decision" at such a vulnerable time and often when we are very young, we never know how far reaching it will be. I believe the full impact of relinquishment cannot be known at the time, and after decades of living it, there are always new things that crop up that are so very hard to deal with.
((((Lostmother))))) I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. And I'm sorry for the cyber-bullying, too. That has to be so scary!
Thanks so much for the messages. The cyber bullying stopped then restarted again and I do have my suspicions that it might be someone I know and hiding behind a username due to what's being said and posted. Apparently I am a twisted liar (about being coerced into surrendering), this person has 'caught' me 'out' as a liar, my son 'doesn't want to know' me because he knows I'm a 'twisted liar' and insists on posting a link regularly 'proving' I have lied. The link the person keeps posting has absolutely nothing to with coerced adoption and is about how reunion affected my marriage. It's got to the stage that we are finding out how we take legal action out as cyber bullying is a crime in the UK.
It's upsetting me so much that I feel like retreating from the internet completely even though the internet is where I get the most support. I never realized how much adoption would destroy my life until now.
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Oh boy that sounds like total @#$%^ to be living with. None of us knew how far reaching the consequences would be, and sometimes I could just scream!
I have also been at the end of someones lies (not adoption) and I realize how soul destroying it can be to be thought guilty when you are innocent. Its horrible. Having to justify yourself is so exhausting. I really really feel for you. By the way I am a Kiwi...just noted that coz see you are from UK. A wee bond along with the birthmother bond!!
Feeling better today and managed to get through yesterday without crying at some point. We've managed to find out that the UK takes cyber bullying seriously as it's a form of harrassment. I'm keeping a 'diary' as evidence with links and the actual comments made.
It makes life a whole much better getting support. Adoption affects people in different ways and it's a sad life when people who are supposed to be on the same side use someone else's personal experience to attack them.