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I'm 28 now, and I was adopted at birth in a private adoption. My birth mom (b-mom) was 19, married to an abuser, and was pregnant by a friend of her husband's. Let's call him George. George is my biological father. My b-mom lied to him and said that the baby was her husband's, and that she was going to have an abortion. She even scheduled a fake appointment and pretended to go to it. Then, she left George and went back to her husband. George has no idea that I exist.
After I found out I was adopted (at 18 - yeah, my parents suck sometimes) I found my b-mom's address and contacted her. She sent me the whole story surrounding my conception and adoption, including what information she remembered about George. I met her a couple of years later, and send her occasional updates on my life. I think she wants more of a relationship with me, but I'm not quite ready to go meet the family. I think I will get there eventually, though. I'm really glad I know her, and she's really glad she knows me.
I've never been incredibly curious about my b-dad. My b-mom didn't say much about his personality, but didn't paint him as such a nice guy, and I have a really good relationship with my real Dad. The other day I was bored and messing around on ancestry.com, and wondered how much I could dig up on him. 6 hours of hardcore internet searching later, I found him!
It's so crazy how much we look alike! We seem to have a lot in common, too. He's a musician just like I am. I also know that he has a daughter of his own, and she's the spitting image of me. I know this because I found her blog - younger people have a much stronger online presence. We have so much in common! She even wants to go into the field I work in now. It's seriously like reading my own blog from when I was that age.
Obviously, though, he may not be thrilled with me contacting him, and even if he is happy to hear from me, I seriously doubt he's going to be like "hey, feel free to contact my 15-year-old daughter!" I wouldn't blame him for that in the slightest - what parent wouldn't want to protect their child? I certainly wouldn't ever contact her without his permission. So, I now know I have this sister that seems like someone I'd actually want to be friends/sisters with, and it's likely that I won't ever get to meet her. That is far more upsetting to me than his rejection alone. I have a great Dad, but I have never had a sibling, you know? I'd be such an awesome big sister! I wish I had never found her blog. :(
I didn't hesitate to contact my b-mom because I got the impression that she had REALLY not wanted to give me up. It's different with George, though. He doesn't know I exist. What is he gaining from this? On the flip side, though, what is he losing?
I get the impression from the stories and music he's written that he's a pretty nice/sensitive person. He's divorced from my half-sister's mother, but recently got remarried. That's about all I know.
I'm going to email my b-mom and get her input on the situation, since she knows him better than I do, and has always offered to help me contact him if I want to.
I have a good letter written out. I imbedded a few pics of me and briefly explained my life. I make it clear that I'm not asking for a relationship or facebook friendship or money. I'd like a medical background, and I'm open to anything else that he feels comfortable with. I'm not mentioning his kids at all, since I feel like that might make him uncomfortable.
I don't even know why I'm writing this post right now. I'm so nervous to send the letter, because I only get one shot at this. I guess if anyone else has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.
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I heard from other people that it's possible that my biological mother already died. It bothers me all the time that I never had the chance to write that letter or call her. I even got a last known address for her but never got to meet her. It's not because I put it off or anything. She just died before I started searching. If you have the chance you should take it. You never know what will happen tommorrow.
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Life is too short to not do it. You will never know unless you try.
Your reasoning sounds a lot like my reasoning when I sent my first email to my birthdad (wasn't looking for a relationship, only wanted to know medical history, didn't want to hurt my "real" dad...). For me, those were all layers upon layers of built up walls that were keeping me from being hurt (it worked pretty well for 40 years...but when the door was finally opened I realized that those walls needed - and wanted - to come down and the real healing began).
It is not easy, this thing called reunion. I thought I was prepared and "tough"; I was sorely mistaken. I'm not saying this to scare you, as meeting my birthdad was one of the greatest days of my life, but the reunion took (and is still taking me) on a ride that I was unprepared for.
Human emotions (and baggage) is a tough, tough road to dive into. Prepare yourself for the ride. Breathe in and breathe out and take time for yourself. Before hitting "send" I would STRONGLY recommend reading "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Verrier (skip right to the REUNION section and read it and re-read it). It might not make a lot of sense to you since you haven't hit "send" yet and the emotions haven't come out, but it will at least prepare your mind - and heart - for what to expect. I wish I would have read more before I hit send...not sure if it would have helped, but I wish I would have...
Peace and blessings to you on your journey. This site has helped me process my feelings so much; there are a lot of caring people on this site that understand what you are going through. Lean on them and enjoy the ride!
Thanks for the responses. I hadn't thought of him dying - that would really disappoint me.
I guess I am being sort of casual about the emotional aspect because I didn't have a very emotional reunion with my b-mom. I wasn't told I was adopted until I was 18, so any emotions involving my adoption are less "I felt abandoned" and more "I'm still pissed at my adoptive parents". I've never had any confusion about my identity or anything, even after I found out.
However, I did sort of get a weird thrill when I finally saw the pic of my b-dad. I had done some online searching a couple of years ago that had lead me to the wrong guy. I found him online, but I never had any desire to meet him. I was 98% sure it was him, too. But as soon as I saw the pic of my b-dad and sister, I instantly wanted to meet them. So, there's definitely something powerful there, despite the fact that I didn't grow up thinking I was adopted.
I figured I should clue everyone in...
I emailed him! He responded in <24 hours, eager to get to know me! Talk about a best-case scenario! He doesn't seem to be mad at my b-Mom, which is good.
I'm going to give him time to process everything, and just hope he eventually tells his kids about me. Trust me, I've thought about seeking her out anonymously online, but that feels too much like crossing a line. I probably would have tried something like that when I was younger, but I think now that I'm (UGH) 29, I understand the parents' POV more. I mean, I'm technically old enough to be her mother. If I had had a kid when I was 15, anyway.
I feel kind of guilty, though. I wasn't this eager to get to know my b-mom, and we don't talk much. She's always wanting me to visit, and even though I do plan to, I'm always putting it off. She has a son that's only a little older than I am, and he's been dying to get to know me, as he remembers his Mom being pregnant with me. I'm not sure why there's such a big difference. I have a pretty rocky relationship with my Mom, so maybe I'm projecting that onto my b-mom. Who knows?
Anyway, it worked out! Yay! :clap:
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