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Okay, could you please go on faith here that I can't move... yet.
Any advice that can actually be done? My children have one real friend of color, an Asian adopted child. My 3-year-old daughter considers her to be her best friend, talks about her constantly, even when she doesn't see her for two months. We live in an area with almost no diversity to speak of. I am very invested in keeping the friendship of the family, partly so that we can have a little diversity around. Their children, both their bio child and their adopted child, are sweet and thoughtful and good at being friends. The mother of the family has become quite difficult for me over the past year in a lot of ways, saying insensitive things to me or taking advantage of me in various ways, but I decided that I didn't care. I am polite and keep dignity but do what it takes to keep our children's connection. Now, both parents of the other family have started making lots of racist comments, some about Roma (my children are Roma) and some about other races, though not about Asians (thank goodness, I suppose). These are things like using very derogatory names for Roma as if they are normal words and ignoring our rule that we don't use those words in our house. Or opining that Roma don't like to work and then a half an hour later, out of the blue, claiming that Africans don't like to work and then another half an hour later with no apparent reason the same thing about Mexicans. Any ideas?
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These are not people I would maintain a friendship with for any reason. Racism is taught & children living in that enviroment will have the same beliefs. Even if you ask them not to speak that way in front of your child it does not stop them from teaching their children & you will hear it from their mouths as soon as they can talk. Good luck.
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Well normally I would agree with the previous poster -- but I know your circumstances are unique. And yes, I would then suggest moving, and I know you can't. SO ... a skill your kids are going to need to know in your environment and locale is how to deal with daily, in your face, racism. You have said that over and over again that it will be a daily part of their regular life (sadly). My suggestion is that you maintain the friendship for the sake of the kids (there is value in that) but specifically and continually counter-act the racism your children are going to hear from this source and every other source, over the course of their life. You might want to be direct with the parents, or not. BUT you should be direct with your own kids as to what you believe and why you believe it.
Dear Ms. Ridge,My reply is not going to be helpful and I apologize for that, but I feel compelled to write.It is indeed a sad day when I come to realize that being a Roma kid in Eastern Europe in 2012 is as bad or probably worse than being a Jewish kid in Eastern Europe in the 1950's and the 1960's. I was the latter.Please be aware that the school teachers are going to be so abusively racist (up to trying to flunk an honor-roll student), that your racist friends, neighbors and pediatricians will seem friendly by comparison. Ask me how I know.I do believe you when you state that you cannot move. I am so sorry.(Also, if and when a move becomes possible, I do appreciate the magnitude of sacrifice it will take, especially for your husband who has probably never lived outside of the Czech Republic. My eldelry parents made that sacrifice for my sake 34 years ago and sadly, they never grew new roots in our new country - they lack/lacked the required "cultural flexibility".)My thoughts are with your beautiful family stuck in a dark era.Again, please forgive me for being unable to offer any helpful advice.
One idea I have is that by interacting with these people I can model good coping strategies for my children but, as I've read on these boards, white people can get away with responses that Roma probably can't. The situation here in terms of social norms is not too different from the southern US in the sixties, though there are technical differences. Can anyone recommend responses that might be good to model for my children, so that they can respond but not get into too much trouble?
My response on the day I described earlier was to stop the conversation after the third time offensive things were said and call attention to it and ask directly why they were going out of their way to say these things. The children were all asleep at that point. My response clearly didn't fix anything but it did stop it temporarily. I have, in the past, had lengthy conversations with this family, in which it appeared that they understood and were sympathetic, but now they have drifted back into the general mold.
My husband says it is because the media racism is so constant that people absorb it, even when they intellectually know better. Just yesterday, there was an ongoing report spread throughout the day on the radio about Romani refugees who have fled this country to the UK. Each segment was introduced with the words, "Romani families have gone to the UK in order to take advantage of the more generous welfare payments available there" but then each segment went on to interview Czech Roma in the UK who were working, doing well in integrated schools and enjoying a much better life (a policeman, a business owner, a bricklayer). While the facts clearly showed something else the introduction remained the same, absurdly defying all logic. This was the country of Kafka after all.
P.S. Goodvibes, I understand what you're saying. We plan on homeschooling as long as we are here. My husband previously was against leaving the country but he is increasingly supportive of the idea. He simply has very non-transferable skills and little English. I can't drive due to a disability (the primary reason I came here initially), so I am looking for online work that could support us in the US. He has finally agreed that if I can more-or-less support the family, we'll leave.
It will be very, very hard on him. Both his status and his self-image will take a hit. He will feel uncomfortable in his new environment.I witnessed all this in my parents. I think it took them 30 years to start seeing our new country as their home.Your husband will have to remember the purpose of his personal sacrifice - saving his precious children from a life of abuse.I am not trying to scare him off (on the contrary, I believe he has absolutely no choice but to take the plunge), I am only suggesting that he should be prepared for the challenge and the shock - he will have to cope with it and it will be hard.
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