Adopted Adults-common issues and coping strategies

What a loaded question! :) Well, I can agree with you, I've always had a love for sci-fi/fantasy books, movies, TV shows. I thought it was because my a-mom was obsessed with original Star Trek, but maybe not... As for the birthday thing, I don't recall ever getting really sad or angry around my birthday as a child. However, as I got older, I liked my birthday less and less. Now that I'm in my 30's, I can't stand my birthday (well, most women my age can't) and I have noticed I go into a bit of a funk around that time. It will be interesting to see if this year is different since it will be the first birthday I've had since reuniting with my b-mom. The relationship thing is SO spot on. I've always had an irrational fear of abandonment, to the point that I tended to find a way to sabatoge my relationships so I could leave when I felt they were getting too serious. If I'm not the one that's doing the leaving (and that's happened twice), I fall apart. Like, epic style fall apart. But, according to my a-parents, I've always been overly dramatic in my reactions to things. I'm not quite sure how to overcome this, although I suppose recognition is the first step. I've tried to become more aware of my own signs so I can try and quash my self-sabotoging behavior. Of course, my divorce was a major set-back, but I'm trying to really look back and evaluate my marriage to see if maybe I wasn't as over the self-sabotoge as I thought (however, nothing excuses my ex having an affair).

:coffee: My thoughts clearly stirred up some of your pain; I really did not intend that and am sorry for how betrayed you feel. I've had three marriages and two husbands who cheated on me. I will say that with a LOT of marriage counseling (it took us four counselors to find a really good one, which is, I think, the hardest part of it), I was able to overcome my feelings and work out very tough solutions. Staying put long enough to do that was a real endurance test as my "flight" instincts were (justifiably?) on high alert. I don't ever remember having a happy birthday (and when you get to my age the early thirties years look like the best ones). But, I am glad that you DID have some-perhaps this is my own issue either not adoption related, or related specifically to my adoption. Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. I know it was of benefit to me and I hope, to others. :love: Blessings, LLAWEN

The fight or flight instinct is really quite heightened in a lot of us, isn't it? I think awareness of it and awareness of your own unique signals is a huge step in overcoming it. Knowing that you have specific triggers or feelings gives you an opportunity to step back and remind yourself why you're feeling what you're feeling and that you need to really think about whether your instinct is related to the person/situation at hand, or if it's just a deep-seeded self preservation tactic.

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Hey all, just a few thoughts to share regarding how to control your feelings and fight.From the beginning, as an adoptee, the pathways i came up were very long and hard. I guess thats a mark of being a true adoptee.What seems to have helped the most in fixing the depression related to the whole adoption sentence, was to fight.I gave up the victim status. When the grief, loss, abuse feelings brought on by triggerscame to the surface, I stood my ground and admitted that those feelings hurt. I continued to admit that they were painful until i found the strength to force them out.I was not required to suffer through them, it was just something that happened. Because the adoption grief and loss came up, didn't mean I was low class and born under a rock. I was afterall, an adoptee, not necessarily a victim for life.What I found was that if I refused to accept what those negative feelings offered, i could win.I may be an adoptee with a sordid adoption past but that doesn't make me an alien. I still bleed, feel sad, blue, hungry, irritated, frustrated, happy, angry, glad, like the rest of the population. I'm not trapped any more. I can fight the demons and win, even though I can't change the pathway from childhood to an adult.Those strengths carry over and can be put to good use in terms of others who still try to use and abuse. You can objectively look at the whole adoption scene and take the freedom to make changes so that you are not tied to a victim adoption sentence. As an example, I called my abusive family together and indicated they were on their own. I would no longer accept my slave status. They were not to try to reach me even in terms of catastrophic events.Journaling will build strength and define the courage that is needed to care take for yourself. It has it's own price but it brings on the familiarity with all the demons. You get comfortable with them and recognize them when they appear. Once that experience has ended you will have the strength to deal with all of them. At that point it is possible to bundle all those experiences together and put them in a closet. You wont need them any more because you already know every story.I wish you the best.

I definitely am really sensitive about my birthday! I didn't know it was related to being adopted until last year when I had an extremely bad birthday, felt abandoned by my friends so I got out of the car in the city at 3am and was determined to find my own way home by walking over an hour and a taxi. It hit me then what I was so upset about and how it was related to being adopted. I have an extreme fear of commitment and also rejection/abandonment. I have read about the Fearful/Avoidant attachment style in adults and I feel like it fits me exactly. I couldn't really find any information about it being specifically related to adoptees though. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style: A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They may try to just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings but, instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for love is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others. As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when their partner comes toward them. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. People with fearful avoidant attachment may even involve themselves in an abusive relationship.

Yeah. I can't get too close to people, but want to. And I want to leave before they hurt me, but don't want to be abandoned. I mean, the person who birthed us abandoned us... makes sense that someone would have abandonment issues if their very lives on this earth began with being abandoned.