Daughter found her Bmom on FB?

With the Internet it would be impossible to stop her. Stay close to her, be encouraging, stay involved. If she gets hurt, you will be there for her. Not an easy thing to do--I hope you and your daughter become closer through this.

Personally if you decide to do this I would suggest you make the first contact and get to know her and together set up some ground rules between the two of you - just like you would for any adult coming into your daughters life at age 14 - pretty emotional age usually without the maturity to make good choices. I would like to gently point out the huge difference between her "they are just the people Im forced to live with because my real mom didnt want me" and her "who she really is". The who she really is speaks to a common need to know your genetic roots, your story, your family line - this is pretty/very common (whether or not acted on) and is about filling in the missing pieces of your story and life and having a genetic mirror to another / many different people within your family. This is something that every single [adoptive] parent needs to accept as completely and utterly normal and has nothing whatsoever to do with anything "lacking" in your family. The people I'm forced to live with statement is very very different and is about not accepting your family for whatever reason whether she feels like an outsider, not fitting in, etc. and feeling very rejected by her mother - which reason is more prominent is hard to say but the rejection factor can be really, really hard to deal with as a child and if not the main reason it likely triggered the other feeling. Because of the rejection feelings she has spoken to you about (despite it not being said nicely she reached out to you and said it which means she trusted you with it) I would ensure if you haven't already that you find a therapist who works with adoptees available in case she needs a safe person (one she does not have to worry about her words hurting you for instance and can be frank). Kind regards,Dickons (adult adoptee)

I agree with this advice. I think if she's a teenager and has always been interested in finding out more about her birth parents, then you can't really stop her. Just let her feel as if it's her decision, you support her, and you'll be there for her whatever happens.

I have 3 teenagers and 3 little ones and have walked this road :)My advice is that YES you will agree to help her facilitate contact BUT she is 14. It is your job to set the guidelines for her safety at this point. I would initiate contact yourself with her birth mom. Let her know that your daughter is interested in contact and set up a process for that to occur. Maybe exchanging emails at first with pictures, then facebook, then phone calls and maybe a future visit if YOU (as her parent) consent. Take it slow - and honestly, be really honored she told you about finding her birth mom. Often, reunion with teens happens and the adoptive parents dont know.

I concur with taking it slowly and guiding your daughter and setting up some "grownd rules" around the contact for now. I was in my 40s when I went through my reunion with my son, and as wonderful as it was, it was tough emotionally. We took things very slowly (probably too slowly for some), but I'm glad we did. I like the idea of taking this in stages, going slowly, and making sure your daughter (and you) have time to process any of the feelings that come up. Pacing things is so important, IMO, in ANY reunion, but especially with a young teen, who will surely need guidance and boundaries.

When I was two, my mom cut off contact between my dad and me. She also decided not to parent for a while and I went to live with family. When I was 6, she decided to be a mom again and very shortly after had me adopted by her then husband. She never spoke badly of my dad though and always indicated it would be my choice when I was “old enough” if I wanted contact. Here’s how she determined “old enough” – when I began to bring it up and continued to bring it up and discuss my dad and wanting to meet him, when it wasn’t a 1 and done conversation, when I was able to understand the potential rejection that I could receive from them, and when I could understand how painful it would befor them for me to initiate contact and then decide I didn’t want it any more. Those things came together for me at 14. After several discussions, she mainly wanted to be sure I wasn’t going to have 1 contact and walk away, that I really was interested in trying to have a relationship with my dad and his family, she wrote my grandparents a letter and we waited. It felt like a long wait but it was really quite short. We corresponded by mail for close to a year. I think we had some phone calls too. Then they drove to the state I lived in and we spent an afternoon together, just the 3 of us (my dad and his parents). We continued phone/mail contact and the next summer started having a week visit in the summer. That continued into college. We have a wonderful relationship now, although it took time.I plan to use the same type of logic with our adopted daughter if the adoption hasn ‘t opened more on it’s own in the meantime (which I am hoping for).I know I’m being long winded, but I think it’s important in this situation to understand what your daughter is looking for from this contact, and whether or not she’s truly able to handle rejection again should that happen. Additionally, based on how she’s felt in the past, I’d want to know how she feels about her first mom and the adoption. I think it’s important to be sure in any initial contact that you try to share what she thinks she wants right now understanding that might change. Helping her think about what she wants is a good first conversation in moving towards contact. Make sure she doesn’t think that you feel threatened by this contact. She needs to feel supported and still loved. This really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. I know my experience is different but if you want to talk more about it feel free to pm me.

Sometimes all the unconditional love, understanding, non threatening heart and a mother who has given her all to her child makes little difference. Love sometimes isn't enough for the adopted child/adult. I have met many wonderful families who have given all the above and their child left them and have very limited contact with the loving family who raised them. It's easy to think it wouldn't happen to you when your kids are young. They are yours and you are theirs. It is just good to be prepared knowing it could happen and there are other families out their who have been through it and understand. Rejection hurts.