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After 39 years, I have make a connection with my son through his girlfriend. We have exchanged a few emails and are on FB. My sister-in-law friended me after I shared the news with my brother. Then she friended the girlfriend. The sister-in-law gave an invite to meet when she was ready. Now I need feedback...I am still relling from the discovery of my son. It has been 3 days. I am planning a slow "get to know you" and hopefully have some get-togethers to meet more members of the extended family. When I asked the sister-in-law to wait until I could do this, since this is my moment, her response was "Are you kidding me". I know I should be the adult, but this is my son. Shouldn't he and I decide who and when?
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IMO your SIL is way out of line. Like you said, this is YOUR son and you and he are the only ones who should decide when/where/if a meeting with extended family will take place. I would give your son a heads up that SIL in pushing and that he should let her know that you and he will decide when/where/if such a meeting will take place.
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Talk to your son about why you are holding back. It makes perfect sense. My bmom did the same thing when we began our reunion. She wanted/needed a little time and requested her family give it to her/us. She thought one of her siblings may not, and let me know why she had made that request, and it was all good. Your SIL is way out of line, and your son and his GF may have no idea how to handle it. Also, he may be excited to know more about the family and never considered that it would hurt you in any way.
Reunion after 39 years is delicate. Since your son made contact through his gf and not directly, he may also be cautious. If your SIL is too pushy/rushes things - she could scare him off. First - talk to your son. Ask how he feels about it. Then come up with a plan. Maybe you take the relationship offline. Maybe you & the GF (or your son directly) create separate fb pages just for communicating between you. I would be careful about posting anything that has to do with your son on FB. If you do - block it from your SIL. And definitely talk to your SIL. Actually, maybe have a group conversation with other family members asking for space, time and respect for the boundaries you and your son need. This isn't your SIL's relationship. It isn't his GF''s relationship. Don't let them hijack it. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
Your SIL was way, way out of line here. Reunion is very hard, and IMO, it's best to proceed slowly and have a foundation between mother and child established before adding other family members to the mix. You and your son need time to get to know each other and also, more importantly, to PROCESS the very strong feelings that will come up for both of you. If you start having other people butting in, it can complicate things negatively. Your SIL has no clue because she has not been through this. I would take this relationship off FB, communicate with my son directly, and revisit this issue with SIL. FWIW, I have been reuinted with my son over 2 years and STILL haven't included other family members. My son lives far from me and also has not expressed an interest in connecting with anyone else. There is a lot of drama and craziness with so many of my family members, and am not about to have anyone jeapordize my relationship with my son, so I've been holding back on this as well. Good luck to you and best wishes.
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