Wow...just flabbergasted..not even sure what to think...

Good for you, for standing your ground and sticking to the agreement. As the caseworker she should have easily answered birthmom's questions about "once the adoption is finalized" Who will be notifying birthmom when the adoption is finalized? How will she even know that it's time to write you and start asking for a visit? The caseworker? I can understand the question. But it's a heard one to answer since you probably aren't even sure of your adoption date. It seems reasonable that birthmom would like a time frame though of when everything would begin and when she could start expecting things. I will tell you that a similiar thing happened in our case (though we had no legally binding agreement). Birth family just asked if we would remain in contact and we agreed that we would do our best. We immediately started getting phone calls wanting to talk to our dd and asking for visits with her. We told them several times that we wanted to wait until after the adoption had finalized but they kept calling and pulling at my heart strings and giving me what seemed like good reasons why they wanted a visit (for example the first time the birthgrandma was about to go back to jail to finish some time she had to serve for a prior incident...birthgrandma was close to dd, closer than birthmom even, birthmom said she would be locked up for 2-3 years... so I agreed to meet with them. It turned out she only went back for 10 days. But this happened several times with the phone calls and the visits before we could even finalize. It made settling limits really hard from the get go. So when I would finally have to set limits or pull back they would get really upset and hurt. Looking back, I wish we would have stuck to our guns and waited to have contact until after the adoption was finalized. It was such a difficult transition for all of us and it would have been better if we had a bit of distance between the signing and the finalization. It would have also given us more time to consider what kind of a relationship we actually wanted to have with them, before jumping into it and finding hard to pull back into what we felt was best for our family.

Thanks for the reply! I had *no* problem understanding bmom's question...but, honestly...it was a question for her attorney, or if the cw...then, the answer was just as you said...once it is finalized!I knew we had to maintain the boundary, because I know this mom...she would see this as us dropping the actual "rules of engagment" so to speak and she would think it was a free for all...there was a reason we required her to contact us via smail mail...it takes some follow through to do that...not a ton, but for a woman with drug issues, it takes more follow through than she typically has in her unless she is clean! Handing the caseworker a note, or worse...just asking the caseworker to ask us for a visit(which is where this was going) is only going to cause problems! She has some work to do to prove that she can be appropriate anyway! We really want this to work...but, we have no intention of enabling her to walk all over us...and she would. She has serious entitlement issues. And, there is *no* way she sees us as the parents yet anyway...who knows if she ever will!

I think you handled it perfectly. I don't get why some people think the agreed to requirements in a legal document are "suggestions," but it's not only case workers I've seen fall to prey to this kind of thinking... boggles my mind every single time.

Exactly! What was the point of all that negotiation and conversation and nailing it all down and then *agreeing* legally...on paper...if we are not going to act like it is a legal agreement! I don't get that...but, I do get what a mess it would make not to! Thanks for the reassurance...I did contact the worker and told her that I hoped it didn't sound too off putting...she said it didn't...and that she understood. We have to advocate for the child and our family!

I don't have experience with this with a cw or due to fk, but I do have experience in my BS father doing the same thing. Thinking court papers are just for fun and he can change or request things when he wants. Ugh...very frustrating. But on the same note, I was thinking about this same thing earlier today and decided this is one of the things that will make me be a great FM. I have experience in dealing with things the correct way even if the other think they can call the shots. Hang in there. I think you did great with laying it all out for the CW also.

How will she know when the adoption is finalized? I've never met one single birth/first mother who was ever informed about their children's adoption finalization in a court of law. Will you be sending her a notice when it's time for finalization and the OA agreement is ready to go into effect?

I agree with Raven about this. I understand with the history why you want the visit request to come in writing, to you directly. I guess I don't really get saying that it tiers off finalization-- while this may be legally true it is not something that the biomom is even going to be aware of.

This is an old thread that got bumped up -- I believe the OP has already finalized. So here's to hoping that the CW is officially out of the mix, the first mom was notified of the finalization, and everyone is following the terms of the AA. :cool:

Just saw this, sorry...yes, we finalized on November 17th. And, the OA does become official and in effect as soon as you finalize...the birth parents gave up any right to knowledge of court proceedings specifically related to the *adoption* itself...but, by virtue of having an OA...(which is a legal agreement between all parties in this state) which is *filed* with the finalization papers...she will recieve her copy of the OA in the mail once it has been officially filed, just like you would recieve a certified copy of any other legal document(ie divorce/custody papers, etc) once they were signed into affect and filed with the court...so, she knows...and we are officially on the clock. So far, she has not requested a visit. edited to add the last sentence, etc.

I wonder if this is the same in my state. I will have to ask CW when OAA goes into effect!

I am having a similar issue with my case as well. Adoption is in the works, OA states 2 annual visits - Mom has to contact in writing 30 days prior. Someone (ahem, the Department) was kind enough to type a letter for Mom where she only has to write in the day she would like the visit to occur. No signature on it, no date. I'm guessing they made lots of copies for her for the future. The first time she requested a visit, she called the CW numerous times and I had to remind the CW that the request had to be made in writing (which likely prompted the blank letter for Mom to use). She even called me. I refuse to give her any leeway when it comes to the terms of the OA because I was not comfortable with the terms, but felt backed into a corner by the Department. She has already lost her pictures/update because she allowed copies to be made. The CW was the one who told me that Mom let a relative make enlargements of the photos I sent. The OA is the only means by which I have control over the contact Mom has with the kids. She was well aware of the terms when she signed the OA, so I don't feel as though there needs to be any kind of leeway, unless it is truly warranted (as described in the OA).