Advertisements
My adoptive parents both have severe dementia. Dad has Lewy Body and is rapidly entering Stage 7; mom has Vascular and is stable in Stage 6. Her mental capabilities are immensely diminished; dad has about 50% times of clarity. (If you do not know what it is like to live with and caretake for someone with Lewy Body, look it up. It is NOT pretty.) Since dad has refused to sign any paperwork for us (POA, Health Care Surrogate, Living Will, Will, etc), I had to look for mom's birth certificate one day. In going through the box, I came upon MY adoption papers. I was numb. They do not know I have this knowledge. My brother (their biological child) was in the kitchen, and I showed them to him. He said he was sworn to secrecy, at age 10, about my adoption. He kept that for 51 yrs. He realizes I've been hit was a very traumatic situation that I must now deal with through intensive counseling, etc. As I thought more about this *revelation*, EVERYTHING in my life began to make sense! I WASN'T crazy for thinking my brother could never do anything wrong, and I could never do anything right. I was verbally abused by my father - my entire life. Mom loved me; dad tolerated me. Since I read in the papers that my birth mother was a "distant relative", I asked some family who she was, and her connection to us. Within 24 hours, I got volumes of information. I have siblings out there, and instead of being the baby in this family, I am the oldest. I know the city where she lives. I will wait until my adoptive parents die before arranging for a meeting. I may be open to calls and emails, etc before that time. My feelings have run the gamut from shock to numbness, to intense hate for the lies. The actual adoption doesn't phase me; it's the web of lies that have surrounded it now and continue to surround it - for over 51 years. And, I can guarantee that if I were to ask dad if he's ever lied to me or kept any secrets from me, he'll say, "no". I'm SO incredibly thankful for an incredible support group locally to me and with distant friends who are a call away. Unfortunately, since my caretaking duties are at 100+ hours/week, and higher when there are doctor's appointments and stuff, I have no way to get out and meet with anyone. My counselor is making special arrangements for me, as she KNOWS this is a huge issue we have to work through slowly. I've read Primal Wound and it describes me nearly perfectly. Because of the lies and secrets, I am open to a fault, and I correct errors - no matter what kind. In the past, dad has forbidden me to speak about things, but, in following that mandate, I'd be lying, so I'd just say what needed to be said. Yes, I had a nice life and a roof over my head and a great education. But, "I" was a fabrication of "their" creation. It's been three weeks today since the discovery. I've accepted it with my head; I've not begun feeling it with my heart. I'm afraid I'll begin to cry and not stop, and I'm not a crier! One thing, though, is that I DO think it'll be very cathartic for me in that I will rid myself of the TOXICITY in my life from my adoptive father. Honestly, it will be a relief when he dies, because then I can begin to live MY life, becoming the person I was born to become. So, that's the nutshell version. If you have questions, I am open to answering. Oh, and for the record, I am 51 and never married. One long time boyfriend once told me that I needed to "deal with my issues with my father" before I was ready for a committed relationship. And this coming from another adoptee! At least he always knew about his. This revelation has removed those issues in one fell swoop. Lisa
Like
Share
Advertisements
I am 56 this year and adopted. Just so you know my perspective. I read all of this and I am furious for you. You will find your anger. It's there. You have the right to it. My adoptive mother died with her insecurities intact and despised the idea that I wanted to connect with my birth family. Selfish if you ask me. But she will meet her maker if we all believe there is one who will sit upon some chair. I want to say just one thing. How much effort is your brother putting forth in day to day care. It's sounds as though you are certainly putting an immense amount of time in.Life is short my friend. You have some good years ahead. Start the process of dealing with this now. Don't wait. Get the counselling and call your brother to inform him he's up. On deck and that's just the way it is.You owe these people nothing more than you have already given. That may sound harsh but it sounds like you have been stifled. When I hear you say that your brother "could do no wrong" etc. and that someone else observed the issues with your adopted father it resonates.Don't let care taking for these people overshadow the clock. Time is ticking. There are people out there who might have something more for you. Whether it's a new friend, a relationship or reconnecting with your own siblings etc.Why are you waiting until they are gone. Your adoptive parents is who I mean. They had information for years that they held and now are likely too old to apologize or to imbedded in their own entitlement to see that they have impacted you.As my birthfather said one time "You owe them or me nothing". It's quite true. He was referring to the harsh words my adoptive mother had for me when I searched. I kept that perspective. I was an infant. I had no choice in the matter. I was also influenced in a myriad of ways to feel I had to care for my adoptive mother emotionally. It's a prison of the worse kind submerging your own needs out of obligation for another.
By the way your adoptive mother may have been more loving but she had two feet and the ability to challenge her husband on his behaviour. How dare he or anyone else feel entitled to exclude or treat you like a second class citizen. I hope to God you are insuring that at the very least you are secure financially upon his demise. Find the will. Call a lawyer now. If this situation unfolds where he continues his exclusion of you financially upon his death; you will have started the process to insure that you are compensated. In fact keep a journal or log of all of the hours you have invested in direct care.
"Care for the caregiverOne of the most important ways that you as a caregiver can help the patient with LBD is to make sure you also take care of yourself. Help yourself cope by learning ways to prevent burnout, garner your own support, and improve your state of mind.Take regular breaks. While you may feel like you should be focusing all your efforts on the person with LBD, you are more likely to be able to support them if you can take time out for yourself. Recharge your own batteries and prevent isolation by seeing friends and keeping up activities away from care giving.Schedule daily mini-workouts. Regular exercise releases endorphins that actually keep you happy. Ten-minute sessions sprinkled over the course of the day can be easier to block out than an hour away.Keep up your social ties. Stay connected to friends and family and welcome the support they give you. This will lighten the load of caretaking.Talk to others in similar situations. Caring for someone with dementia can be very hard work—both physically and emotionally. You may find it a relief to speak frankly about your experiences with other caregivers.Seek opportunities to relax and have fun. You don't need to talk to in order to play. Most people enjoy playing nonverbally with babies and it's also possible to play nonverbally with dementia patients." I know you have already read this or something like it. But I want you to see that this is a whole heck of a lot to deal with. I respect your ethics but holy hanna; you deserve to have some time to yourself especially after the shock. Go do something just for you.Get that brother to take a leave of absence from work; hire someone or whatever and go find out what you need to know.Do it now.
Advertisements
My brother and I live with our parents. It is their house. We BOTH do the caretaking for them equally. Dad doesn't think that what I do at night (listen through the monitor and respond when called, or when I hear something out of the ordinary) counts toward his caretaking. He thinks that Rick (brother) does it all because I'm trying to sleep during the day. Dad believes that I should be out working (I've been unemployed with no benefits for nearly 2 years). They do support me with a roof over my head and food and meds. Financially, I have nothing now. I'm starting back to graduate school next week and working toward being able to teach both in both HS and community colleges. God has sustained me to now; He won't let me fail. Though dad doesn't think what I do counts; God does, and when two absolute strangers at the VA yesterday hugged me and said blessings over what I'm doing, I know I'm honoring God with my work. That's what counts for me. I don't expect either parent to be alive much longer and that's why I'm going to wait to meet. As I said, I am open for communication before then. We had a Hospice admissions nurse here on Tuesday. When I told her that he feels that way about my overnight work, she nearly started crying in feeling so badly for us. I used to work for Hospice and my brother went through Hospice care (yes, went through). I have been doing caretaking of some type with this family since Oct 2005 when mom had her stroke to trigger her Vascular Dementia. (BTW - because of dad's wishes to be kept alive, we do not qualify for Hospice care at this time.)I know how to force the issue to get us the help we need. Dad is a Veteran, and at his doctor's office yesterday, they said they are going to begin providing us with more help. This will be for my brother during the day, but, it will ALSO allow me uninterrupted sleep so I'm not woken to help move dad. It takes us both to do anything with him now. He's gone from using a walker to needing assistance sitting up - since January. As aggressive as his LBD is, I don't expect him to be alive even by my birthday in Feb. Regarding mom standing up to him - never would happen. He's one of the most domineering men I've ever met. She's never driven a day in her life; he had her entirely dependent on him for everything. He can't stand that I talk back to him and am more intelligent than him and am basically the female version of him. He made me that way. And now that I know this about the adoption, I don't care what I say to him. From what I have gathered about my adoption, my mother was contacted by her sister to take the step daughter's out of wedlock child. That is me. I was taken as a newborn, but, the official adoption didn't happen for nearly 5 years. Mom could have no more children after Rick. That's why I say I know she loved(s) me. She wanted me. Dad does whatever mom wants, so that's why I say he just tolerated me. He says to this day that he can't understand why he "can't get through to me" and "why we have issues". Hmmmm.......could it be because of the LIES??? He infuriates me. I am doing what is necessary with my counselor. She is making special arrangements to help me out. We know one another from church years ago, and I've been going to her off and on since Fall 2006, when I was dealing with my brother and his cirrhosis. So yes, she's familiar with the toxic nature of this house, and the issues with dad. My brother has always been the "fragile" one; I've always been the strong one. I have ALWAYS been detached. Now I know why! I have ALWAYS been the one with the most common sense. I am a trained Emergency Manager. I can manage things with disasters. I see "big pictures". My brother and father get mired in the minutia, even though dad has always been a boss. Everyone BUT dad knows what I am doing is heroic. My doctor hugged me in June, telling me it was not forever. Strangers hugged me yesterday. Dad's doctor nearly hugged me yesterday. My former Hospice boss has said that what Rick and I are doing is valiant. Mom and dad do not want to leave this house; they will die in it. Legally, it goes to us both. I have that right. I'm sure 90+% of "people" would have placed both parents in a nursing home by now and just let them stay there until they die. We have not done that, nor will we do that. My hope and trust is in God and it is by His Grace that I have been able to do what I do to this point, and He will continue to get me through it to the end.I am taking a trip, for me, in a month. It will be 4 days to Chicago to get with some very close friends. I have a FANTASTIC support group. Having worked as Hospice, I know how to take care of me. I make sure of it. And if I'm stressing out - I force the issue.
Oh yes, I understand that emotional prison, murphy; been in one for 51 years. This revelation has opened those doors and given me the freedom to FINALLY become the WOMAN I know I am outside of the tidy little bow I was wrapped up in by their web of lies. The web has kept me as a child to this point. NO MOREDuring my overnight caretaking hours, I use the time for me. I do the things to take care of me. The close friends who have seen me through everything are so happy that I have resolution now, and CAN do what is necessary to blossom - finally. As I said to my Chicago friend yesterday, it's time for the WOMAN in me to finally come out. It's time to let someone take care of me. I deserve it! I never thought I deserved it until now.
Life is all about choices. The choice to give up a child to adoption; the choice to adopt a child; the choice to keep it a secret; the choice to be open. All of these choices affect the adopted child who has no choice. But as an informed adult we have many choices. We have the right - the deeply needed right - to be happy. In their present state your parents probably could not tell you the truth if you asked. The sooner you start searching the sooner you can start to heal. Even if you don't find anything out right away just knowing that you are doing something for yourself can help start the healing process. At this point in your life it should be all about you. This is not a selfish attitude, it is something that should have been done long ago. I wish you the best in your search. Quote: "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are" Theodore Roosevelt
Advertisements
Thought I would give an update here. Dad died on March 25, 2013; mom died June 20, 2013. My birth mother died on Oct 17, 2012. I have found her obituary. I only have one remaining aunt who is alive. My brother and I are still living in the family home, as I will ultimately have to deal with his demise (he nearly died in 2009) in the coming few years. I did find out through talking to the one aunt that I have Huntington's Disease in the family. I will be getting my records from Florida (the adoption was done here) instead of through CT, where I was actually born. That is a huge blessing. To be honest, I really don't spend too much time now thinking about this part of my life. It's just a fact of it, and once my brother is gone, then I will reach out to the birth side that is available. At least, though, when I am filling out insurance and medical forms, I can be somewhat truthful. Maybe I will be around a bit - not quite sure yet. Thanks for reading. Lisa