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Hi.
My struggles with my reunion are well documented on this site - what a ride, what a ride.
I've had some new feelings surface that I'd like to see if anyone could help me with. I heard someone refer to my situation as "half-adopted" and I kind of liked that.
I grew up with my mom (my biological mom) and was adopted by my step-dad when I was one year old (he is and will always be just my dad - no "step" will ever be involved when talking about him).
My adoption was a secret per my mom's wishes until my dad told me at 15 years old that he wasn't my biological daughter (he told me this because my parent's were getting divorced and he wanted me to know - maybe he didn't feel like I'd still wanted him to be my dad...not sure...).
Anyway, I've reunited with my birthfather. I have totally forgiven him for leaving me and my mom when I was a baby. I don't have it in me to hate him - especially now that I know him; he is a part of me. There was definitely a time in my life when I did hate him and never wanted anything to do with him...took me 25 years of searching in my heart to reach out and contact him and it changed my life - made me more "me".
The question I have is that I still have so much unresolved anger towards my mom, the one that kept me and raised me and loved me. I know - or think I know - that that time in her life was very painful, that maybe my biological father, at that time, was very controling, maybe even physically abusive to my mom and didn't want me (they broke up soon after my mom because pregnant and divorced right before my birth).
I know I should be thankful that my mom kept me and loved me, but sometimes I am just so angry at her. I hate that it was a secret. I hate that she won't talk about it. I hate that she "pretends" like this isn't a part of my life; it is a huge part of my life.
I am able to talk to pretty much everyone about it except her. She told me she wanted to be a part of this reunion and walk this path with me (I didn't want there to be anymore secrets and shared with her that I was searching) but when I try to bring it up, she won't talk (this isn't unlike any of our conversations - she really has a hard time communicating / carrying on a conversation, even with her own children...it's mostly one word answers about everything - so frustrating!).
I know I'm expecting too much from her - on a good day it's like pulling teeth to have a meaningful conversation with her and now I'm expecting her to just freely talk about one of the most painful times of her life. But it's about ME and my feelings too - about MY life that she decided to save - and that she is so closed off about it hurts me.
Does anyone have any suggestions about opening dialogue with her? I've tried many different ways - emails, letters, talking in person. Or, should I accept that finding my birthfamily was MY wish, not hers, and just pretend when I'm with her that it isn't a big part of my life.
I'm so sick of living a lie and want to live an authentic life now, but maybe I just need to realize that I can live that authentic life with everyone except my mom.
Oh, BIG sigh. Sorry this is so long, but I just needed to get it out. My husband keeps telling me that I'm too hard on my mom. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.
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Once again, your post has hit close to home with me. My mother didn't talk to me very much about my bfather, either. In fact, for the first few years of my life, she vowed to never speak to me about him at all, and made other people swear they would never tell me either! Luckily, as I got older, she changed her mind, but we never really ever talked in great depth...she only told me a few things. What's so sad is that she passed away 6 years ago, and now I have to live with the fact the she and I can't really ever settle anything with each other about the subject. When she was alive, I was still in the place in my life where I didn't care about my bfather or meeting him, so I didn't know I would regret not talking to her about it. But in the last 2 years or so, it suddenly became very important to me to know him, and to find out where I come from. And now, like I said, it's too late to find out anything more from my mom.
Maybe you could try telling your mom that life is uncertain and tomorrow's aren't a promise....tell her you don't want to have regrets that you and she didn't get to really talk before one of you is gone. I hope she really thinks about that and will finally have the courage to discuss it with you. Also, ask her if she can't talk to you face to face about such intense things, then maybe she could write it in a letter...I think letters are good because they take some the "face to face" pressure off, and you can really plan out what you want to say.
Good luck! I hope it works out for you!
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