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Last night while talking to a friend she told me of a book called the girls who went away. It tells the story of women who surrendered their children during the baby scoop era. Before Roe v. wade and how they were forced to leave their homes and go to a maternity home only to surrender their children and be forced to live their lives as if nothing had ever happened. It made me think of my own personal adoption story. How much adoption has changed but when I really thought about it, has it really changed that much? I am 25 years old. I am college educated and have an upper level degree. I knew my boyfriend for two years before we started dating and then we dated for another two years. When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't working because I was finishing school. I was living with my boyfriend at the time and it is what worked for us. I come from a broken home. A tale of neglect, poverty and a sting of horrible step fathers. At 23 I thought I had the world figured out. That it was fine to have sex with my steady boyfriend. That birth control was amazing and that things in my life would be fine. Around st. patricks day I went to the dr. I was thinking I was diabetic. Sure enough wouldn't you know it I was pregnant. Not just a little pregnant but I was given a due date in June. I was scared and the reality of the situation was huge. It was overwhelming. I didn't have your standard three options that a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy has. I had only two options, I was too far along to even consider the third. I loved little man from that first ultrasound. He became my reason for living. He was my whole world. I told my then boyfriend and he freaked out. He lost his temper screamed yelled and threw a trash can. It was horrifying and terrible. He insisted on adoption and I wanted nothing to do with that. At this point though I was very pregnant and couldn't get hired anywhere. My ex accepted a job up north of me and I was facing being homeless pregnant and 23. I wanted to parent little man but I was also very scared and very overwhelmed. I contacted my agency and they road in on a white horse. They got me into agency funded housing and provided me with everything I could need while pregnant. At the time I thought this concept was wonderful. I was so grateful not to be homeless and pregnant that at the time it seemed like a godsend. It's only now though that I realize the gravity of what was really happening. I also had the option of living with my crazy redneck family. They lived a state away but my agency didn't want me leaving CA where they were located. So it was the agency apartment that I lived in for the last month of my pregnancy. The thing of it is though had I wanted to change my mind and parent then what? I would have been forced to leave agency housing and would have had no way to get home. While they were more than happy to pay for my way out to their housing had I wanted to parent it would have been up to me to figure out my way home. That by living in their housing they were able to control what dr I saw. Where I got my groceries. Where I delivered and even when I was allowed to leave. The way they have it set up is after placement you are allowed to stay for 30 days and then after that you are on your own. However if you chose to parent you are totally on your own and must leave right away. It makes me think that while things have changed since "the girls went away" have they really? Isn't it pretty much the same concept. Go live somewhere once you start to show and then come home empty handed. Make it very difficult to change your mind and parent. Take you away from your resources so that parenting is nearly impossible. Help you establish a bond with the future parents of your child so that parenting is no longer about you and baby but also involves innocent people who have paid thousands of dollars for your expenses, poured out their hearts to you and loved you in one of the most trying times of your life. People who often have showed more kindness and compassion than your own family has. Then you are faced with not just choosing parenting or adoption but breaking your word and hurting people who have been nothing but good to you and are often just trying to be parents as it was something that nature has denied them. In this new era of adoption is it not just a different form of force? No I wasn't sent away in the sense that no one forced me to go. I moved into agency housing because I didn't feel like I had anywhere else to go. I don't want this to sound like I am angry or blaming my son's aparents. They are the bright spot in all of this. I love them. I think it's what has allowed me to cope as much as I have. They are my biggest cheer leaders. They have always done everything they have said they would and many times over so much more. Am I the girl that went away? The more I think about it the more I am against this sort of housing arrangement. I think it makes it almost impossible to parent. I have no doubt that agencies are well aware of this and that is exactly the reason they do this.
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How strange I was in the middle of responding to this post and then it suddenly moved over here. Anyway, I am not a fan of pre-birth matching or paying expenses, housing or any of that because I believe it can't help but be coercive. I have really struggled with recommending anything but state agencies for adoption to friends because of it. However, I do think times are different from the BSE because women at that time couldn't imagine that you could poor and unmarried and have a baby and be part of general society but I think our current day and age you see that all around you. The part that is NOT readily evident is the financial assistance to be able to accomplish that when you are in dire straits. I have ABSOLUTELY no hope that things will be different with support of poor pregnant women because I find our society being less interested in providing assistance to those who need it instead of more. Those who purport to be very interested in saving babies have little interest in improving the lives of the women who bring them into the world or providing assistance for children to live when they get here. As a note I am the daughter of a poor teen mom left with no support by her teen dad boyfriend. Although she was deny it to this day(because she thinks I don't remember) I have both virtually and actually homeless with her and hungry with her and seen her do things for money to feed me that a child should not know about but I know them FOR SURE. My dad (step parent adoption) literally "rescued" us and changed our lives. However, my mother NEVER accomplished all you she could have (not by a long shot) and that was because of her obligations to me. I mention this so you don't think I am giving you some "comfy chair" prospective on life.
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Beachy, I totally agree with you about the stigma and shame of being a single mom (or unwed mother as I was called back in the day) not being present in today's society. I'm sure that's one of the major reasons relinquishment/adoption rates plunged after the BSE ended. Some people claim it was the legalization of abortion that resulted in fewer adoptions, but the stats have never borne that out. Also, the fact that teenage mothers are the least likely group nowadays to relinquish their babies leads me to believe that it's the social acceptance of single motherhood that's behind the drop in numbers of adoptions.
I also agree with you about pre-birth matching and expenses. Those two issues seem to be at the core of a lot of problems, both for PAPs and emoms. A lot of people aren't aware of this, but out here in California, you can still voluntarily relinquish your newborn through the state (well, actually the county, which acts on behalf of the state.) I often find myself hesitant to tell people that I went through the County of San Diego's Department of Public Welfare (as it was called back then) to relinquish my son. I figured in my teenage mind that the county social workers would do a better job at screening potential adoptive parents than the other two adoption agencies that were available in that area during the early 1970s. I also was adamant that I did not want my son's future parents paying any money for him -- it just felt too creepy to me for a lot of reasons. Therefore, I went through the County, which actually treated me better than the other girls in my high school who went through private agencies were treated at the time.
Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself with us tonight. I'm sure a lot of parents assume that their kids won't remember their early years, like your mom assumed. I know my own mother was shocked when she realized that I remembered the early years when both of my parents struggled to put food on the table and clothes on my back. We ate a LOT of homemade potato soup and Jello salad for the first few years, while my dad worked two jobs and my mom worked full time. I love potato soup to this day, by the way, but my mom hated the stuff and would never touch it again after they got on their feet.
RavenSong
A lot of people aren't aware of this, but out here in California, you can still voluntarily relinquish your newborn through the state (well, actually the county, which acts on behalf of the state.) I often find myself hesitant to tell people that I went through the County of San Diego's Department of Public Welfare (as it was called back then) to relinquish my son. I figured in my teenage mind that the county social workers would do a better job at screening potential adoptive parents than the other two adoption agencies that were available in that area during the early 1970s. I also was adamant that I did not want my son's future parents paying any money for him -- it just felt too creepy to me for a lot of reasons. Therefore, I went through the County, which actually treated me better than the other girls in my high school who went through private agencies were treated at the time.
I am so in agreement with all of you. Birthmother housing, adoptive parents paying extensive living expenses, etc. are all forms of coercion I believe.
Agencies should be there to support expectant mothers through this process and help them find the resources they may need (housing, food, medical assistance, etc) REGARDLESS of whether they decide to parent or not -and help a woman get in a position where if she decides to parent, it is easier for her to do so. And maybe some do this, but I think the vast majority just pass the cost off to adoptive parents for food, housing, utilities, etc. This creates what I view as a "dependency" on the adoptive parents.
Furthermore, it does absolutely nothing to help a woman get in a position that should she decide to parent, it is easier to do so and she has at least "some" of the assistance and/or preparation she may need. I often wonder what happens to so many women after the adoption - when the assistance from the adoptive parents is gone and the agency has done little to help her truly get on her feet. I firmly believe that it is an agencies responsibility to help an expectant mother explore all her options and help her prepare for those options - and that includes the option to keep her child!
Believe me, I am grateful every single day for my amazingly beautiful little daughter and for her wonderful birthparents. But during this adoption process my husband and I set up firm guidelines about what we felt was ethical (not coercive) and what we didn't (ie: no long term "match", no extensive expenses, etc). We ended up helping financially for a few weeks just prior to our daughters birth and provided some postpartum assistance and that was it. While she supported herself throughout her pregnancy, financially it would have been very difficult for her after the birth to stay home and recover like she needed and I really wanted to ease any burden on her during this time. I did feel OK about this, but also believe that this support should really come through the agency - for example agencies charge a flat fee to adoptive parents which covers any assistance an emom might need. If all assistance comes out of an agencies "fee", then it might provide them with an incentive to really help expectant mothers find the resources to prepare for their future - again, regardless of whether parent or not.
I truly believe there are so, so many changes that need to take place to make adoption an ethical process that supports both expectant mothers and adoptive parents.
Jilly-I think your agency did not want you to go out of state because in California mothers can sign a waiver to their 30 day revokation period. The period is then, if I remember right, 24 hours.
When I was looking into adoption, I spoke to an agency who turned my stomach. They said they put the mothers up in housing, alluding to the fact that they would not be talked into keeping their babies by family and friends. They said the housing was in California, and they had the mothers sign the 30 day waiver, they encouraged me (subtley, but I got the point) to lie about the fact that we had three bio children and actually told me some parents take pictures of neighbor's home for the "birthmother" letter. They consistantly called the emoms "birthmothers". They told me most mother's say they want open adoption but it is not enforceable and that most of them after birth drop off the face of the planet. Needless to say, we did not use that agency. None of this was in their literature, it was on the phone and kinda in "code" somewhat.
On the other hand, not only is matching early and paying birthmother's expenses coercive to the e-mom, it opens up the potential of extra heartbreak for the PAPs. There has even been cases of fraud where the mothers have had no intention of placing.
I ultimately decided to continue fostering and simultaniously TTC. It seemed to me that with the ethical agencies that promoted open adoption I might have difficulty being matched. (40's, blue collar, DH cancer survivor, 3 bio kids, modest home, working mother,rural area) The adoption system needs an overhaul.
Somewhat off topic: On the subject of single parenthood being destigmatized...:clap: . As a society, I would also like to see placing a child for adoption destigmatized. If a woman makes that choice she should be treated with respect and kindness. I see how people treat my niece and it chaps my hide. She did what she thought was best for her children and it was the most difficult painful decision she ever made. To then make her feel like crap about it is plain ugly.
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Calling emom's birthmom's is pretty standard. I don't get too upset over it because in the bigger picture there are far bigger things to worry about. As for the waiving of the 30 day period my agency told me that it is very important to waive it so that baby and amom can bond. Also that if you didn't want to waive it that you aren't serious about placing. It's just all such a mess. I was fine with it all at the time but the more I step back and look at it the angrier I get. I am forever separated from little man because I hit a poor patch in my life. It's so crummy and I hate it. I wish I had fought harder. I wish I had found help. I wish I had just left my ex the day I told him I was pregnant. I am just really struggling with it these last few days because I thought I was so smart and had the whole thing figured out. :(
Jillie_sweetheart
As for the waiving of the 30 day period my agency told me that it is very important to waive it so that baby and amom can bond. Also that if you didn't want to waive it that you aren't serious about placing. It's just all such a mess. I was fine with it all at the time but the more I step back and look at it the angrier I get. :(
It is what it is. I was kind of up against a wall at that point. I didn't really have a ton of choices. It was like you either agree or you can't move in and if you move in you have to do things are way. I changed dr's because they prefer theirs. I changed hospitals. It was very clear that they have a very specific way of doing things and that it works for them. If you didn't want to waive the 30 day period they said it's because you don't think you want to place and if you don't want to place that you need to not live in agency funded housing. Has always bothered me.
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Jillie,What your agency said to you and did is flat-out unethical, but it doesn't surprise me in the least. I've spent a lot of time the past couple years reading all the different agency websites, and there are quite a few out here on the West Coast that offer luxurious "birthmother housing" and also claim on their sites to have 95 to 97 percent relinquishment rates. Anytime the actual relinquishment rate is that high, you can bet there is some heavy-duty coercion and unethical practices going on.I've also read many, many posts in recent days from adoptive parents who are pointing out unethical and deceitful things being practiced by agencies, so it's not only birth moms or emoms who have noticed this crap. Until we get some sort of federal regulation in place over the adoption industry, corruption is going to become normalized. We need serious reform from the bottom on up, in my own opinion. I just don't know how to get agencies and facilitators and lawyers interested in cleaning up their own lies, though. There's just too much money at stake...
I can't even begin to tell all of you how many things were said to us by agencies during this whole adoption process that made me cringe. And during the search for the "right" agency, I literally called countless agencies all over the country. I was just determined to find an agency that operated in an ethical manner and to me that meant they really cared about the the expectant moms and their future by assisting them in preparing for life should they decide to parent (or not), and obviously treating adoptive parents well and not just as some limitless source of money. Do you know of all those agencies I called, I can honestly say there were probably less than five that I really had a good feeling about. And we also turned down potential opportunities to adopt because of various circumstances we did not feel were ethical. Adoption reform is really necessary.
Jillie, it sounds like you might have used the same "agency" we used to adopt our son. They did offer housing to emoms. Our son's birthmother chose to remain in her state, however.
I agree that adoption needs reform and regulation at the federal level.
I think there are a lot more choices for expectant parents now than in the BSE. Neither of my children's birthmothers lived in agency housing. Neither of my children's birthmothers asked for much in terms of expenses either. I think that agencies try really hard to convince pregnant women that they have to stay with the agency, but that's not true. If you Google "adoption" or look in the phone book under "adoption" then you'll get hundreds of agencies, attorneys, and facilitators to choose from. You'll get parent profiles. You couldn't get that 20 years ago or earlier.
I think that, for girls and women who choose to go the agency housing route, it really may feel like there aren't that many differences between now and the BSE. But expectant mothers have more choices now, so it doesn't have to be that way. I wouldn't say that the BSE is continuing. Certainly, my children's birthmothers didn't experience anything, as far as they've told me, like what birthmothers experienced in the BSE. They both remained at home, kept their families and friends, and, in my son's case, people knew about the pregnancy. (My daughter's bmom chose not to tell very many people. Interestingly, it was because she didn't want to be told she should parent, when she knew she wasn't able to.)
I'm not a huge fan of agency housing, although I can see where it would be helpful. Unfortunately, there just aren't enough well-funded programs to help people who are in crisis while they're pregnant. Agencies and facilitators take advantage of this.
Adoption reform is, indeed, necessary. I think that adoption reform looks different to everyone, though. It would be hard to reach consensus. Which isn't to say that we shouldn't try...
:hippie:
I find it sad to read over and over that because more choices exist that it seems as though women aren't being coerced. Maybe we aren't sent away to hide, but surely people can see all the coercion that is present in the world of adoption.I promise you that my son's parents would tell you that I wasn't coerced. They don't know how I felt though and I would never tell them because it isn't their problem. So if you have adopted and your children's first parents haven't said they felt coerced, don't assume that they don't feel that way. They might, they may just not want to say anything. Jillie, I see where you are coming from. I can only imagine how you felt. I didn't live in any kind of housing but I promise you if I could have gotten out from under the thumb of my boyfriend and the agency, I would be parenting my only child. Instead I succumbed to the pressure I was placed under because I didn't realize I could do it on my own, because the agency did a bang up job of making me feel worthless.
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I haven't replied on here because I didn't want to derail the thread, but I can't figure out where best to put it, so I will instead just apologize and ask my question here.
I have in general felt that the agency I went through was really ethical and non-coercive. In the references that people can call they even included not just aparents, but also a bmom who had gone through them. I talked with her as well as aparents and she gave a glowing recommendation, but anyone they listed as a reference would, wouldn't they? Everything I know about the agency still says they try to help emoms (and edads) find all their options, but how do I really know?
And that brings me to my question. As an aparent, one of my top requirements in an agency was that they be non-coercive and ethical. How do we find this out? I would hate to think that my son's bparents were or felt coerced, and if I adopt again in the future I would like to make sure of the same thing. So, again, how do we know?
Ruth,I appreciate you asking the questions. I would research the following from any agency I was planning to do business with:How do they recruit their pregnant clients?Are they associated with a crisis pregnancy center?Do they traffic pregnant women from out of state cutting them off from their natural support systems?Do they suggest to their pregnant clients that prospective adoption parents should be included in doctor's appointments, labor, delivery and the hospital?Look at their advertising for pregnant women. How enticing is it? Does it offer housing, clothing and other expenses at or near the top of the list?How do they pitch time requirements for signing? Do they stress that requirements are minimum timeframes?How do they treat expectant father's rights? How do they ensure a father is properly and ethically notified?Does their counseling for expectant mothers include options other than relinquishment? Is the counseling conducted by a professional not directly employed by the agency?If you really want to know how many steps backwards we've come, spend a few hours taking the NCFA's online training on how to counsel a women considering adoption for her unborn child... There's also a very telling paper on their website titled, "Adoption Practices in a Humane World". I think it should have been named, "how to further beat down a woman's self worth and get to the gold". But, I might be a little cynical.