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My Bson wants nothing to do with my mom due to actions/things said since his birth! His Amom told him what the social worker had told them about me the day I went to court. J and I had agreed that we would never lie to each other. Now I feel that maybe I should have fudged the truth abit. My mom did and said some ugly things before and after J was born. When he asked me certain questions, I told him exactly what had occurred. I do have alot of anger etc. towards my mom and am trying to work through it with therapy. Did I subconsciously sabotage my mom by telling the truth? Is my hatred and anger still so deep that I did it to punish her? Do I just let the situation alone? J says she doesn't deserve to know him.
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I have no advice, but I do sympathize with you. My Mom has been nothing but mean and hateful about my Bson since she found ut I was pregnant with him (18 years ago) , of course in her own underhanded way, and only to me. I have not discussed it with him yet, and don't know what I will say when it comes up. I am also in therapy to work through the issues I have with her, but it is not getting very far I think I am just not ready yet. I hope it works out for you.
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My mom said and did some ugly things to me before and after my son was born (21 years ago) also. My son and I have only chatted a few times via email and fb so far and he has never asked me any questions about his past. I probably will not tell him the truth about her if he ever asks. She is such a narcissist that she doesn't even recognize it in herself and would deny it. Also, it was a lifetime ago. What would I gain by telling him the sordid details about that time in my life? What would he gain from that? That's how I've handled it so far anyway.
I agree Alleykatz - we shouldn't lie to our children but like Gwen72 we needn't over burden them with all the sordid details. I think its important to let them know the reality that our mothers were not supportive of us. It is the truth. As any relationship progresses we may feel comfortable with sharing more, or not.
I don't blame any adoptee that refuses to have a relationship with a grandmother. It is their right and I think it is a natural consequence to the horrible way their grandma treated us. Their attitude may change over time but I would let them take the lead on that.