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It's been 2 months since we placed our child. The TPR went through on 9/11. We are still grieving but we are coping and it gets a little easier each day. We talk about our decision often and no matter how many different angles we examine things from, no matter how many times we consider if we could have made it work, we still end up back at our original decision to place. Although it is a great loss, both for us and our son, we know we made the right choice for him, and made a huge difference in the lives of a childless couple.
So at this point, we are getting weekly contact via e-mail, they send us weekly photos and updates. We comment on the photos and updates and let them know how our week went. My husband is pretty comfortable with everything.
But I am sort of unsure of what my role in Jed's life is at this point. I gave birth to Jed, I am Jed's birth mother, but I am not his mom. Amy is his mom (or will be in the next several months. The adoption itself will not take place until 6 months after TPR). The fact that I am not Jed's mom is only now really hitting me, and it's a little scary not really knowing how I fit into Jed's life at this point, the lives of the adoptive parents, and how I will fit into his life in the years to come. Will he love me and want me to be a part of his life? Will he hate me for giving him up? Will we be really close? Will we grow apart? Will his parents include me in important events in his life? Will I be invited to birthdays, high school graduation, his wedding? (They had told us prior to Jed's birth that they considered us part of the family and implied we would be invited to important events, but they may feel differently over time. Already we were not invited to his christening, which they were up front about us not being invited as it was planned for shortly after placement, but I do not feel very secure about future events) How should I handle gift-giving? (I like the idea of having a child in my life to spoil but am not sure gifts from us would be well received or appreciated by his parents, maybe we'd do better to just purchase savings bonds to mark important occasions such as birthdays and Christmas, or to let them choose a gift from us and we'd pay for it) These are all things I find myself asking and which I realize only time will tell.
So what is my role in Jed's life now? What is a birth mother in the life of the child she gave up? How can she go on to have a good relationship with her child and his family? Would welcome any comments from other birth mothers who opted for open adoptions, adoptive couples, and adoptees who have relationships with their birth mothers.
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I always give gifts, usually things that were mine when I was a child or replicas of those things. Or things from trips that I have taken. I think it is important that I do things that are from my heart and not just something his mom and dad choose.
I am not invited to anything like birthdays or holidays. That is just how it is, and really that is fine by me.
Every open adoption is different. You will have to work with his mom and dad to decide what role you play.
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I wish I had some good advice;all I have is a cyber (((hug))).
For Christmas, how about a special Christmas ornament every year? Then, as an adult, he will have a set of ornaments just from you.
Make copies of pics of yourself and bdad and send them to be put in an album--give the album with the first ones. Start a diary and add to it over the years to give him as a young adult--share your thoughts and love.
I wish my husband had anything from his bparents--he was adopted overseas during the closed era.
It is all depending upon the relationship you have and the openness with the family. But what if questions are just that my son is now a teen and I'm not sure what the future holds for him and I but I know my choice to have him was the best and mychoice to give him away was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I have a GF who has adopted two sons both via open adoptions. She throws away things the birthmother sends because she decides they are unsuitable. IMO open adoptions are a salve to delude a woman into thinking she still has a role in her child's life but the adoptive mom has all the control. As a birth mother from long ago with all sealed records and as a woman who had secondary infertility and investigated adoption, the entire triad in America is still on the side of women who want children and are even willing to take stolen children from China. It might take a village but most US states let one woman decide everything.
Its true that it really depends on your relationship with the aparents. I go out of my way to be as accommodating as possible even though sometimes its hard. But 9 years in and I have full contact with dd. I have a friend who has an open adoption with her ds but she only visits with him once a year and gets pics a few times a year and she is happy with that. So it can also depend on how much you want to be involved. Best of luck and HUGE hugs to you!
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