I would always advise an expectant mother who is considering adoption to go to an agency, not a lawyer. Most agencies provide some form of counseling...which is extremely IMPORTANT. Lawyers usually treat expectant mothers like another business transaction, and I've met so many women throughout the years who were just left hanging out in the wind once they signed the relinquishment papers.
ETA: The only circumstance that I think going through a lawyer is appropriate is in cases of kinship adoption or when the expectant mother knows the potential adoptive parents in real life. In those cases, I think it's fine, especially if there is some sort of provision included in the paperwork that allows some postadoption counseling for the birth/first mother.
Partially agree, partially disagree.
I would agree that a birthmother shouldn't go straight to a lawyer. An adoption plan should be just one of many options carefully considered, and these options should be presented by a counselor, not a lawyer. Although the counselor doesn't necessarily need to be a fee-based adoption agency. There are pregnancy crisis centers and faith-based agencies which will provide a birthmother with free counseling.
Once a birthmother has received counseling, and has decided adoption is the right path for her, there's no reason to eliminate private/independent adoption as a potential source for a match. The very first question should be whether the adoptive parents have an approved home study. If so, they have gone through the same process to meet their state's requirements for adoption as anyone else. Have they had the same training in dealing with adoption-specific challenges? Maybe, maybe not. All it takes is asking the question to find out.
I'd agree that many lawyers will treat it like a business transaction. That doesn't mean all will. And I know beyond doubt that many agencies are also treating it as a business transaction. My wife's brother was adopted, and things were amazingly different 40 years ago. My in-laws can't believe what we had to go through and what we spent to adopt our son in 2011. We continue to receive solicitations from various contacts, and it's frustrating that the first piece of information presented is the agency fee and birthmother expenses. What about the birthmother's preferences for an adoptive family? Her interests? Her hopes and dreams for her child? It truly gives the impression that it's more about money than about matching. What would it look like if I redid our profile book and stripped all mention of our lives and talked only about our salaries and assets?
We've decided to pursue a private / independent adoption for our next child. We have an approved home study in place. We've retained a lawyer who has a passion for adoption and has adopted both her children from foster care. Our meeting with her was exciting and energetic, and a pleasant break from talking about money with agencies. We've attended training in various aspects of adoption and are approved for newborn up through an older child in foster care, which we intend to pursue if our home study expires without an infant placement. We consider our son's birthmother to be part of our family, and if our agency disbanded tomorrow, we would continue our update books directly to the birthmother (we know her last name even though we shouldn't ... hospital staff weren't very careful). We keep in touch because we want to, not because we're contractually obligated to, and we go above and beyond the number of contacts required, and send presents and cards to her whole family on special occasions. We know a couple at church who adopted one of their children through private and completely open adoption, with a total stranger, and they have become very close. In fact, the adoptive mother was in the birthmother's wedding.
So, I would disagree that private adoption through a lawyer is only suitable for people who are related or know each other. I would challenge anyone who says our family is a less desirable match because we aren't using an agency. I would disagree with a blanket statement that a lawyer is going to be less caring and helpful than an "adoption professional." Yes, care must be taken to verify the credentials in a private arrangement. Yes, I'm sure there are horror stories. In most cases the birthmother doesn't even know what she doesn't know and won't be prepared to stand up for her own best interests. That's why I believe a counselor is critical for an adoption plan. But counselor doesn't necessarily mean agency, which will do everything they can to shield the birthmother from adoptive families that aren't contracted with that agency or with an agency with which they network. The current adoption landscape is very strongly biased towards agency adoption and there are a lot of obstacles to those wanting to network on their own. I think that's a shame and that birthmothers should be made aware of ALL resources available to them for finding the best possible family for their child. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a birthmother using an agency, but there's also nothing wrong with a birthmother pursuing a match outside an agency. In fact, if a birthmother's desired adoption plan includes an open arrangement with visitation, I would argue that finding a local match would provide a very convenient possibility for achieving that.
